Culture Blues

Two Shows Enter: Celebrity Overload Edition

I saw a quote from Roger Ebert the other day, where he made the remark that he remembered when being famous and having talent were synonymous.  Indeed, the sun has set on those days.  The Jersey Shore and countless other television programs have reminded us that all you really need to be a household name is a camera shoved in your face.  I accepted this fact a long time ago, and most of the time it provides me with great amusement.  But sometimes there are shows that insult my intelligence to the point that I can no longer laugh it off.  When Madonna is giving out marriage advice, or Daryl Strawberry is attempting to run a business, I will be there.  I will be there making snide comments, and drinking delicious Bacardi Razz with Sprite.  Hey, if the Zotes people are willing to send something, I thought I’d give it a shot.

Here’s the word on the street about the Two Shows Enter Celebrity Overload Edition:

“After Kelly Rippa fixes my marriage, I’m hoping Pauley Shore has time to do my taxes!” – Brendan Haynes, Mechanic

“Win, lose or draw, I think it’s important to remember that I have enough money to make Jerry Seinfeld suck my dick in public.” – Donald Trump

The Marriage Ref

If you’re not familiar with this show, celebrity panelists weigh in on the marriage disputes of actual couples before the host makes the call on who is in the right.  There is so much I want to say about the concept of this show before I begin watching it, that my head almost exploded.  So instead of trying to narrow down my run-on sentences of bile and hatred, I think I’ll just hit the play button on Hulu and see what happens.  I’m not looking forward to this.

-Today’s celebrity panel is Kirstie Alley (-3 points), Jimmy Fallon (+1 point) and Sheryl Crow (-1 point)

-The host is a stand-up comic named Tom Papa who was apparently hand picked by Jerry Seinfeld.  He starts the show with one comment that caught my attention, that this is a reversal of the usual dynamic where we criticize celebrity marriages (+1 point).  I might as well award this point, because I can’t imagine there will be too many other opportunities.

-The first couple, Jim and Lynda, have an issue.  He is a ventriloquist, and keeps tons of dummies all over the house.  She wants them to go.  And just to show you how in touch with the common man these celebrities are, want to know Sheryl Crow’s honest to goodness solution for this problem?  Build a new house for just the dummies.  (-2 points)  Yes, you read that right.

-Kirstie Alley is like a giggly drunk Jabba the Hutt.  I can’t understand half of what she is saying, but I’m pretty sure she’s been discussing her pet lemurs entirely too much.  (-2 points)

-Tom Papa goes with Lynda here.  Honestly, the dummies are pretty creepy..

-The second couple, Milt and Stacy, are in a heated battle over the husband’s hair color.  I’m not going to dignify this bullshit with anymore text.  (-3 points)

-This reminds me of those countdowns on E! where they assemble a group of no name comedians who honestly will never have anything better to do in their whole gossip hunting celebrity sweating pathetic lives to just sit around and attempt to be funny.  I’m not adding or subtracting points here, I just wanted to use this space to call those countdown shows retarded.  Let’s carry on now.

-George and Elenna engage in a laughably scripted fight about him not cooking enough.  And, with skin color seemingly the only thing they have in common, Tom Papa says that George reminds him of Bill Cosby.  (-1 point)  Fortunately, Jimmy Fallon does a pretty awesome Bill Cosby impression (+2 points) and salvages this bit.  Tom agrees with the panelists that George is in the right.  I’m sure this iron clad ruling will be strictly enforced.

-Brian and Caren are seeking this show’s valuable input because he wants to put a urinal in the house, and she is against it.  Yes, this show was just renewed ladies and gentlemen.  (-1 point)  I do admire Brian’s detailed knowledge of urinals.  But when he says that he is looking for performance, comfort, and speed I have a few thoughts.  First of all I think that his bathroom experiences must be entirely different than mine, and furthermore Sheryl Crow is just not going to go for this.  And whatever you do, don’t disappoint Sheryl Crow.  Your victory in an irrelevant marriage scoring contest may very well depend on it!

-For the record, this irrelevant scoring contest is way better.

-Random thought: wouldn’t it be funny if one of these disputes was, “my husband drowned all of our kids!”  So no one else thinks that would be funny?  Okay, pretend I never said that.

-We end the show with Fran and Irma; he doesn’t want to do the dishes or something.  I’ve mentally checked out.  (-1 point)

Total: -10 points.

I wish I could say that this was about to get better for me, but I have my doubts.

Celebrity Apprentice

I would never watch The Apprentice voluntarily, but as far as reality TV goes the premise of the show was not entirely revolting.  But the assholes at NBC just couldn’t just let it be, could they?  They had to make Celebrity Apprentice. During a meeting I imagine one executive said to another, “we could do this with mildly famous people” and that second one said, “you’re a goddamn genius, someone call Sinbad!” On an unrelated note, while searching for this show on Hulu I came across something called I’m a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here and I have no doubt that my eyes will one day suffer that cruel fate.  Alright, I’m going in.  This episode is called “Muggles & Wizards”.

-I realize as I click play that this is a two hour show.  Oh, fuck off.  (-5 points)

-Immediately I feel pangs of sadness as I am informed that Daryl Strawberry was fired the previous week. (-1 point)  With a heavy heart I gather the cocaine jokes I had been composing all day, and rip them to shreds before tossing them in the fireplace.

-Here’s an overview: the teams are divided by gender, and they compete on various business related ventures.  Each week the teams have a different project manager that delegates responsibility.  This week those project managers are disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and Victoria Secret model Selita Ebanks.  The task at hand?  To create a three dimensional display for the new Universal Studios theme park, “The Wizarding World of Harry Potter”.  The two managers will be going to Florida, separated from the rest of their team.

-Donald Trump has no problem making repeated and uncomfortable jokes at the expense of Rod and his upcoming legal battles.  I approve.  (+3 points)

-Rod is entertaining throughout this episode.  (+1 point)  He explains the concept of text messaging to the camera, as if we are all aliens.  And then he promptly adds that he doesn’t know how to send a text, or use a computer.  In fact watching him try is rather hilarious.

-While the managers are away, we get all the useless footage we could ever want of the other “celebs” sitting around doing nothing.  Holly Robinson Peete, who the fuck are you?  (-2 points)

-Former pro wrestler Bill Goldberg in the house.  If he spears anyone, I declare this show the winner immediately and I can just turn this off.

-As the presentations near, it is becoming increasingly obvious that the women are more prepared.  Among the members of the female team?  Former NBA Inside Stuff co-host Summer Sanders.  I mean, seriously.

-Young Harry Potter fans arrive for the presentations. The female one seems to go off without a hitch.  They are all dressed like Hogwarts professors, or witches, or whatever.  They seem to have a good plan.  The men’s presentation is a jumbled mess.  Goldberg is dressed like a tree (+1 point for hilarious imagery), and for some reason Bret Michaels decides that to really get across the spirit of the Harry Potter films he should show up in jeans, a t-shirt and a bandana.  Christ this guy is a tool. (-2 points)

-Quote of the episode does go to Bret, however.  Upon seeing children wandering through their smoke filled maze with men making awkward wand references, he says: “We are all going to jail for this creepy castle ride”.  (+1 point)

-Make this show an hour, and it’s infinitely easier for me to stomach.  Would I watch it voluntarily?  No, but it wouldn’t be so goddamn boring.  (-2 points)  The problems with this show are the same that plagued The Biggest Loser, it just seems like there is no forward momentum.

-At the end of the day Rod Blagojevich is fired for his lack of an ability to communicate, or even learn the terms of the Harry Potter universe.  If this is how he handles a theme park presentation, I can only imagine how this bumbling idiot ran a state.  I would say I feel sorry for you Illinois residents, but that would be a lie.  I hope the Cubs lose a hundred games.

-Donald Trump is a pompous asshole, but I just can’t help but like something about how he operates, even if I can’t explain it.  (+1 point)

Total:  -5 points

Celebrity Apprentice (1-0) defeats The Marriage Ref (0-1) by a final score of -5 to -10.

 In an odd turn of events, the man that was fired was also named MVP of this contest.  His complete inability to function in a team environment was one of the only things that kept the show remotely entertaining.  When Culture Blues caught up with Rod Blagojevich, he had this to say: “I’m confident that with the pull that Culture Blues has with the Illinois General Assembly, that this will pretty much fix everything.”

Join me next time as I am once again hate fucked by television.

 

Tagged as: bret michaels, celebrity apprentice, donald trump, hiding baldness via bandana, horrible reality shows, jimmy fallon, muggles and wizards, rod blagojevich, the marriage ref