Tortured by Television: Academy of Country Music Awards
Every so often, one of our illustrious contributors can't come up with anything to write about. When that happens, we strap them down in front of a television and force them to take notes. The results are Tortured by Television.
Editor's Note: If we're being honest, we chose Jason for this Academy of Country Music piece because he happens to be a black guy. We have decided to preserve the occasional misspelled name and errant fact because 1) some of them are funny, and 2) we don't fact check articles about fucking country music!
Preshow: The MGM Grand in Las Vegas is playing host to tonight’s American Country Music Awards! I know very little about Country music and purposely did not do much research for this show. This is, without a doubt, the last thing that I would ordinarily watch on television tonight.
A few things I’m looking out for:
1) How does the production compare to other big award shows? There seem to be a ton of different country music award shows, where does this rank on officialness?
2) How much are they going to jock Taylor Swift? Is America’s darling still embraced by the country music crowd or do they look at her as sellout?
3) Any politicking. Nationalism in any form with do it for me… but a tea party reference will really give me the tickles.
Make Jason proud.
4) Any black people. I heard that Darius Rucker started a pretty good run in country music. Is he up for any awards? Will he be performing? I’m really, really interested in this.
8:00: Carrie Underwood, some chick who isn’t Carrie Underwood, and Brad Paisley start us off with a performance of “Rockin Good Time”.
[Editor’s note: “some chick who isn’t Carrie Underwood” is Miranda Lambert. Props to Jason for getting Brad Paisley, though]
8:01: What I’m in store for finally sets in.
8:02: I spotted a black guy in the crowd! He seems happy.
8:05: Charlie Daniels is sporting a big hat, a big belt buckle, and his trademark fiddle. When the song ended, he turned to the camera and said “That’s how you start a television show, son!”
8:06: I think back to a minute ago when Charlie Daniels called me “son”.
8:09: Reba managed her way through an awkward monologue that includes shots at Tiger Woods and Jesse James (for inspiring country songs about two-timing men) and Kirstie Alley (for, duh, being fat).
8:10: The ACM Entertainer of the Year award is being decided by text vote. And it’s being powered by Ram Truck. Really racking my brain on this sponsorship. What does a truck have to do with texting?
8:11: No big deal, that’s just Cher who came out to present the next performance. Of course she gets a standing ovation. She sure doesn’t look 80.
8:16: Billy Currington is on for the third (!) performance of the night. We get our first “C’mon AMERIKA!”
8:19: Fourth performance is Kenny Chesney, which puts us on pace for 36. Sidenote: I can totally see how this guy gets a ton of chicks.
8:27: Why fast forward through commercials when Kenny Chesney has a movie coming out in 3-D (let that marinate for a second), and CBS has a very, very awkward spot about getting prostate exams, including rubber gloves and a three finger pose.
8:30: First award! Top Song of the Year went to Lady Antebellum for “I Need You Now”; a song about drunk dialing.
8:31: And we get our first shot of tonight’s trophy! It’s a silver, phallic cowboy hat.
Laura Bell Bundy had the most memorable performance. Because she dropped in on a horseshoe, and not at all because of those chaps.
8:32: Reba promised that Laura Bell Bundy’s performance would “knock my socks off”. Laura Bell Bundy is so hot that I take my socks off just so that Reba could be right.
8:40: Toby Keith just gave an endearing performance dedicated to Wayman Tisdale. Wayman has a really interesting story that, unfortunately, ended very sadly. If you’re not familiar, you should look him up.
8:54: Lady Antebellum wins again! This time for Top Single of the Year. As a reminder, this is a song about drunk dialing.
8:55: There is an online vote for what song Brooks & Dunn performs tonight. I voted for “My Maria”.
8:56: Teaser: after the commercial break, LL Cool J is going to introduce Taylor Swift.
9:00: LL Cool J: “This is my first time at the Country Music Awards…” You don’t say?
9:05: Taylor Swift’s performance is mostly uninspiring (points for a crowd dive).
9:06: I braced for my roof to open up and lightning to rain down on me for my blasphemous remarks.
9:09: Best New Artist nominee, Joey + Rory performed a song about a “white trash ho”. Joey has “We miss country music” written on his guitar. Shots at Taylor? Country music diss tracks? When did this become The Source Awards?
9:23: Gary LeVox from Rascal Flatts has an iced out watch. Maybe this is The Source Awards!
9:25: Kristen Bell, FTW!
9:27: The production has been mostly good so far, but the first real hiccup of the night came when Miranda Lambert dragged co-writer Frank Lidell over to accept their Top Album of the Year award. Last time they won, she “was so excited I forgot about him”. Well after Miranda gave her short acceptance speech, Frank stepped up to the mic to start thanking God (he literally started by thanking God) when the lights went off and the cut music started. The crowd felt bad for Frank (kind of a dopey looking guy anyway) and booed. I’m not sure if I transcribed this well enough to get across how awesome this moment was, but it was pretty special.
9:44: Montegomery Gentry just won the Home Depot Humanitarian Award. A nice moment, you can tell that these guys were genuinely appreciative. Finished up their acceptance speech with “this is the best country in the world!” #america #fuckyeah
9:49: I lost track of how many performances there have been tonight, but in truly epic fashion, Jack Ingram just sung “Barbie Doll” and brought a TON of babes on stage. If I was scoring tonight (ala “Two Shows Enter”), that would have been +10,000 points.
*This*
9:58: Carrie Underwood performed “Temporary Home” (a song I actually dig) and then immediately accepted the Academy’s “Triple Crown Award” which is given to someone who has won Top New Artist, Top Vocalist, and Entertainer of the Year. I’m convinced that this award was made up just for Carrie Underwood; the pink rhinestones are kinda a dead give away.
10:03: Lady Antebellum won Top Vocal Group. Shocker.
10:16: Brad Paisley finished his performance by diving into a tub of water.
10:18: While presenting the award for Top Male Vocalist, Matthew McConaughey divulged that the last time he presented at the ACMs, he went back to the hotel and conceived a child with wife Camilla. What a bastard.
10:19: DARIUS RUCKER IS UP FOR TOP MALE VOCALIST!
10:20: Darius Rucker lost to Brad Paisley, who is still wet from inexplicably diving into a tub of water at the end of his performance.
10:21: Brad Paisley made a joke about his wife (Kimberly Williams-Paisley) playing McConaughey’s wife in We Are Marshall (“she said that I’m a better kisser. Although they didn’t have any kissing scenes, so I wonder how she knows that”). I like this guy.
10:25: The last Brooks & Dunn performance at the ACM ever. “My Maria”! My vote was heard!
10:27: So much falsetto.
10:32: Brooks & Dunn is up for Top Vocal Duo. No way they lose this, right?
10:33: They won. The ACM loses all credibility in my eyes (what was left after the Darius Rucker slight, that is).
10:40: UPSET ALERT! Miranda Lambert took down Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, AND Reba McEntire for Top Female Vocalist. Reba just performed too! That never happens. Plus, she’s the host. #shots
10:42: Darius Rucker is performing after the break, bitches.
10:48: Lies! Keith Urban and his girly hair take the stage. CBS gives us several shots of Nicole Kidman vapidly singing along.
10:55: Carrie Underwood just won Entertainer of the Year.
10:56: Darius Rucker is closing down the American Country Music Awards. Apparently the crowd is as excited as I am.
10:57: Fireworks for the Darius Rucker performance!
10:58: He’s still got it.
11:00: And we close…
So to revisit the questions that I came in with…
1) Was this show on par with other major award shows?
Yes- it certainly was. I’m certainly no expert in country music award shows, but this felt like the Super Bowl of country music award shows. The biggest names were there, everyone (and I mean everyone) performed, and the quality of production was very good.
2) How much love is out there for Taylor Swift?
Not that much, apparently. She got pretty good applause when she was mentioned, but she didn’t win any televised awards and had a very forgettable performance.
3) Any politicking/nationalism?
There were both subtle and overt America jocking (the ACM wanted to make sure everyone knew that the Zac Brown Band was touring with the USO), but the show was far too classy for there to be any egregious rhetoric. Reba took a swipe at a lot of people and events, but stayed away from any government bashing.
4) Diversity?
Yeah, not so much.
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I was really worried about a half-hour into the show. Country transcends music and really is a full-blown culture, of which I have no part of. But there was, surprisingly, enough entertainment to keep my attention. I know this show is a big deal in country music, so I was able to appreciate the significance of what was happening (Miranda Lambert’s upset, Carrie Underwood winning Entertainer of the Year for the second time, the last time we will see Kenny Chesney in 2-D).
I would never really watch an entire awards show, and I would never watch this specific awards show again. But country music has a very big reach and this really helped me put that into context, so I’m happy that I was at least able to see that.
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I was actually very proud (and fortunate) for the little fact checking I actually did. In a lot of cases, people's names were said very quickly on the telecast and as I'm sure you can imagine, I had no interest in rewinding much.
-Originally, I had "Charlie Daniels" as "Johnny Daniels" and paired him up with violin as opposed to a fiddle.
-Billy Currington was Billy Cunnington
-No way I knew how to spell "McConaughey"
Fire on the mountain.
Run, boy. Run.
lol Good Article Arican...this is about as much interaction as I've ever had with anything to do with country music lol. And i read every word lol--not just skimmed lol...good stuff....Fav part "8:02: I spotted a black guy in the crowd! He seems happy." lmao Though admittedly, by living vicariously through this transcribed account of how the country folk get down, i'd never torture myself to do the same in real time---Hell i don't even watch the BET awards lol
I'm old fashioned and remember when Country Music was uninfested with Hollywood, MTV, and especially idiots who can't express themselves without using the F word. Rory Feek has it right.