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The Twitter Report: Hot Moms Edition

Hotter. And hotter. And hotter.

In a Twitter exchange with @the_visible_man and @cjfarris_v2pt0 I was made aware of the fact that ESPN darling (and apple of my eye) Sage Steele is not only married, but also has three (three!) kids.

An observation/call to action was made:

... since our only concern here at Culture Blues is the satisfaction of our fans, I happily accepted.

Twitter is an interesting venue to find Hot Moms. On one hand, you’re missing a pretty significant contingency of Hot Moms who are not on Twitter (Selma Hayek and Courtney Cox, just to name two). But the Hot Moms who are on Twitter are even hotter because they’re so hip to technology! It’s like back in the day when you found out your best friend’s mom was into AOL chat rooms. So hot.

There is no way I could make this an exhaustive list (how could I?), but to get you started… I present to you Culture Blues’ “Hot Moms of Twitter”:

Mom Hot
I have broken this down into three divisions, because all Hot Moms were not created equal. This first division is for those who are “Mom Hot” in a literal sense. You wouldn’t openly hit on her (perhaps I’m giving you too much credit here), but women in this group are hot in the more traditional “I dig you because you’re older and a mom, and even though it’s a little weird, I’m attracted to that” sort of way.

Tina Fey (Mother of one)- Tina Fey has been all over lately (Vanity Fair, Vogue, Geek) and rightfully so. She’s really talented and she's attractive in an attainable way; meaning, a reasonably confident guy probably feels like he could get Tina Fey’s number. This gives her broad appeal. Bonus points for Fey’s daughter, Alice, who coined the phrase “I want to go to there.”

Throw a compliment her way and she’s yours.

Ibis Guillen (Mother of three)- Ibis is the wife of Ozzie Guillen. She doesn’t have a Twitter account but gets a pass because she’s in Ozzie’s avatar. Bonus points here because in my mind I bet she talks like Sofía Vergara from “Modern Family.”

Ozzie would kill me if he read this

Hotter After Kids

Clearly everyone here is hot to some degree (they are, of course, famous for a reason). But this group has women who got inherently hotter after having kids.

When a woman has kids, it generally indicates that there is some substance there; that this is someone who at least one other person in the world trusts is competent enough to procreate with. In the celebrity world, this is saying a lot. For many reasons, this is a list that Jennifer Aniston would probably never make.

This is probably my favorite group because, after having to deal with an actual toddler, these women wouldn’t mind taking care of an a-hole like me who just has toddler tendencies.

Candace Parker (Mother of one)- She’s always been super attractive, but now adds diaper changing to her skill set (which, oh by the way, includes DUNKING).

My wife can cross over your wife

Demi Moore (Mother of three)- The very definition of hot mom for our generation. Demi has just gotten hotter, and hotter, and hotter. Say what you want about Ashton Kutcher (I actually don’t mind the guy so much)… but at this very moment, he’s probably somewhere hugging up with Demi Moore while you’re sitting in front of your computer with muffin crumbs on your pants and a coffee stain on your sleeve. FYI- that infamous Vanity Fair cover shot was 19 years ago.

“Big Love: Celebrity Edition”

So Hot No One Would Know She Has Kids

Pretty self-explanatory, no?

Rania Al Abdullah (Mother of FOUR)- The Queen of Jordan; hopefully one day the Queen of Jason. Absolutely gorgeous and incredibly smart, Queen Raina is committed to various philanthropic efforts, most notably with her campaign to end illiteracy. Which reminds me, I’ve suddenly forgotten how to read and could probably use a tutor.

Halp. Kan’t reed or rite.

Britney Spears (Mother of two)- Yeah, yeah, yeah… she’s kinda trashy, went bat-shit crazy, shaved her head… whatever. Britney has always been fiercely hot, and has calmed down quite a bit in the last year or so. Thus further proving an absolute truth: very few people are built to party with Paris Hilton.

This works

Denise Richards (Mother of two)- I would never disrespect Denise Richards by writing something that has to justify her hotness.

Let us not forget that hot moms come with baggage. Kids.

The winner? Well, technically, everyone is a winner (because, um… motherhood is such a beautiful thing?). But the actual winner is Queen Rania Al Abdullah, a mother of four children and the only person on this list who can make you a King. You would literally be a KING. Hot. Hot. Hot. HOT.

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5 Responses »

  1. Thank you for introducing me to the wonderful world of Queen Rania Al Abdullah. Unfortunately, as a Jew, I will probably never be able to taste the sweet fruits of her much-exited loins.

  2. Anytime, Corey.

    I would argue that she is the best woman on the planet to be able to do a work-appropriate Google image search for. And she makes me want to be a more responsible person.

  3. This article needs to be removed until @jessicaalba is included.

  4. I tried to dodge this sort of thing by claiming that this wouldn't be an exhaustive list, but there is no excuse for not including Jessica Alba.

    The sad truth is I actually didn't even know she had a kid! Admittedly, I'm a little spotty on celebrity stuff... but who the heck is Cash Warren? When did THAT happen???

    Another notable oversight... @mslaurenlondon.

    Anyone else?

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