Culture Blues

Two Shows Enter: Pundit Punchout Edition

In Two Shows Enter, Ben Van Iten solidifies himself as one of the 156 greatest Wisconsin writers that compare television shows with an arbitrary scoring system. His mother is very proud.

When I first started writing for this website, I tried to decide on criteria for what shows might be out of bounds for this feature. One of the first genres I disqualified was news programs, and the following column will not infringe upon that. Self described news networks are in the business of turning out reactionary garbage that has crossed over into the entertainment category. If you believe that Barack Obama was created by communist scientists in a top secret laboratory and impales unborn fetuses in his free time, then I will recommend The O’Reilly Factor! If on the other hand you enjoy smarmy remarks that solve nothing, and believe that our president is a cross between JFK, MLK, and Superman, then check out Rachel Maddow. So who’s ready for some half truths about health care?!?

Here’s what people have been saying about the Two Shows Enter Pundit Punchout Edition:

“Dude, Alien Sex Files 3 is on Cinemax, I’m just saying.” – Thom Grinde, my neighbor

“NOW THEY FEAR BEING HEALTHY MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” – Gothicus, High Overlord of the fourth pit of Abhoth, and Fox News Fear Correspondent

The O’Reilly Factor

It’s hard for me to think of Bill O’Reilly without also thinking of hilarious Youtube videos of his exploits. Some of these videos even have dance remixes. But say what you will about him, he is here to stay. This is one of those guys that just seems scandal proof. I live in what some call a liberal island, so it’s rare for me to come across someone who supports Mr. O’Reilly, but judging by his ratings they are certainly out there. I have every reason to suspect they are breeding this very instant.  On this particular program, he has promised reaction to the passage of the much talked about health care bill. I just entered the no-spin zone. It’s dark and partisan in here.

-Has there ever been a segment more appropriately titled than “Talking Points”? If you are unfamiliar with this, Fox News television personalities suckle at Karl Rove’s nipples right before going on air and the substance that comes out is called talking points, and it goes directly to their brain. Sean Hannity gets pretty thirsty, so it’s amazing that by the time O’Reilly hits the air there is still enough to go around. Anyone else want to vomit? (-2 points)

-I will at least give Bill some credit for stating numerous times during the program that he believes Obama is sincere when he thinks what he’s doing will help the country. (+1 point) This is one of the reasons why O’Reilly is a lot better at his job than people like Glenn Beck, who just yell incoherently for an hour straight. He throws over the occasional compliment to the other side, even if it’s not a big one. I feel like this is just a ploy to appear fair to the feeble minded, but nonetheless I’ll give it a point.

-As we go to commercial break, this is the question that O’Reilly has about the democrats: “Can they rally?” Yes, he’s framing the passage of the bill as a defeat for liberals. Somehow I doubt Rachel Maddow will share this viewpoint.

-We have our first laugh out loud moment of the show: “I’m an independent.” – Bill O’Reilly. Now that’s entertainment. (+3 points)

-Bill has another gem when he points out that Obama and Bush are both polarizing Presidents. In this day and age, is it even possible to have a President that isn’t polarizing? As if one day MSNBC isn’t going to try to sink every Republican presidency? As if one day Fox News contributors are going to see a Democrat president and say, “You know, this guy is alright”? I’m going to deduct here for sheer idiocy. (-2 points)

-In case you’re drinking along with me, my booze of choice is Sangria.

-We have an appearance by Brit Hume, another soulless shit merchant. Brit is what happens when you cross breed Droopy Dog with demon. He’s just dropped by to discuss upcoming legal challenges to the bill, and also TO MAKE ME HATE THIS FUCKING SHOW EVEN MORE (-5 points)

-Ah, yes. In case you weren’t scared enough about health care, here’s this quote from O’Reilly: “If they can make you buy health care, sooner or later they can make you get a Mohawk haircut.” This just sent a chill down the spine of the ‘hey kids, get off my lawn’ demographic. Another thing it did was make me laugh so hard I almost woke up one of the neighbors. (+4 points)

-Then we have an appearance by conservative talk show host Dana Loesch, and the events I’m about to describe actually happened. Bill got her on the program to discuss accusations by African American lawmakers that that the Tea Party crowd referred to them by the N word. Her stance is as follows; because that on the twenty seconds of tape that she has, she didn’t clearly hear it said, that they were simply making it up. At this point even O’Reilly steps forth and says that just because you don’t agree with someone’s politics, doesn’t mean they are liars. (+4 points for one of the first rational statements during the entire program) And she disagrees! She actually disagrees! I’m speechless. But see, this is where O’Reilly is crafty. He can disagree with some of the people he brings on, but he still has them on. Their words still lay eggs in your ears, and hatch ugly thoughts. I guarantee there are hundreds of hillbilly inbred assholes walking around today saying, “There’s no evidence, they’re liars”. There’s a difference between bringing on different viewpoints, and bringing on…this. Dana has no purpose other than spreading vile divisive repugnant shit. If there is a hell, I imagine she’ll be sucking cock there eventually. Oh yeah, I suppose I should officially take off points here. (-23 points)

-O’Reilly ends the program with his word of the day, Feckless. This means incompetent or futile. I like that feature. (+2 points)

Total: -16 points

The score would have been lower, but occasionally it was so hilarious I enjoyed myself.

The Rachel Maddow Show

As I alluded to earlier, I live in a very liberal city. One day while walking down the street I saw a poster of George Bush biting into the Statue of Liberty’s neck with vampire teeth. I had a good chuckle, because I am indeed on the left. But it didn’t occur to me until weeks later just how childish such displays really were. What is the point? And furthermore, is it possible that this kind of behavior only makes conservatives beat the drums for people like Bush harder? Maybe, maybe not. If you are a liberal and you watch programs like The Rachel Maddow Show for therapy, I can understand that. I’m sure it feels good to be part of the choir; she’s definitely got her preaching shoes on. However, if you are watching this show to shape your worldview: haha, stop it.

-We open the program with muted jubilation over the passage of the health care bill. How many times can I really say passage in one article?

-But shit gets somber in a hurry, because all across the country there are violent protests, and one man has taken responsibility. Mike Vanderbough has blogged about how citizens need to take the streets back by throwing bricks through windows of the offices of elected democrat officials. He seems like a standard communist fearing nut job, nothing too out of the ordinary there. It is hilarious that he’s currently receiving government benefits however. The Rachel Maddow touch comes in when they show a picture of one of the bricks. There is a note attached, and she takes a good two minutes to mock the misspelling of the word “extremism.” (-2 points) Oh, journalism.

-Unlike O’Reilly’s program, some of the laughs are intentional. Like Rachel pointing out Sarah Palin’s “Don’t Retreat, Reload!” tweet. (+2 points)

-Interesting interview with Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell. When talking about the Republicans, I am somewhat surprised to hear him actually use the word “bitching” (+1 point) He makes the case that some legislation is worth losing your next election for, and I would be curious to know how many democrats really believe that their ship has sunk with this.

-Rachel takes her turn at complete idiocy. “Lately it’s just been a really sad state of affairs in politics.” (-3 points) As opposed to when, exactly? What golden age does she want to return to? The opposition party wants to stop people from getting stuff done, and the party in power wants to get stuff done. None of this happens to the degree that anyone would like, and they all act like children. This is not new. Occasionally someone gets idealistic and says, “We were elected to help the American people!” and everyone laughs at the dumb bastard.

-How many different ad campaigns can Geico keep up at one time? Just incredible.

-O’Reilly’s program at least addresses some of the concerns that liberals have with Republican behavior. It doesn’t seem like Rachel is so eager to discuss all the behind closed doors deals Obama & company made to get the Health Care Reform passed. With all of Barack’s talk of things changing in Washington, I’d like to hear a liberal talking head take on some of those issues. I’ve watched her show a few times lately and haven’t heard a word on this. (-2 points)

-More intentional hilarity. (+5 points) We have clips of a Republican Senator making the case that citizens should no longer be able to elect members of the Senate, that the state legislatures should handle that. It’s kind of funny to see someone who made the point that this health care bill was ripping up the constitution then turn around and make the case for, well…doing away with the 17^th amendment.

-The show just feels trashy. (-2 points) It is the epitome of “gotcha” politics. If I wanted to see people show a bunch of political clips from the day with sarcastic comments, I’d just watch the Daily Show and laugh a lot harder.

-During an interview she lets Democratic Senator Amy Klobuchar get away with the phrase “Reconciliation is just something we use to fix bills” as if the debate is really that clear cut (-2 points).

-Rachel responds to Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown using her as a fundraiser. Brown has tried to scare money out of conservatives in the state for his re-election bid in two and a half years by saying that THE DEMOCRATIC MACHINE (Nancy Pelosi’s head on Megatron’s body) is recruiting her to run against him. For this segment, the Executive Producer of the show takes her seat and she is the interview guest. And holy crap do they think this is just a hoot! Except no, it’s not. (-1 point)

-We close with an interesting piece about how portion sizes have grown in the Last Supper painting over the years (+2 points), and a professor relates this to how fat we are as a country. You don’t even care, do you?

Total: -3 points

At the end of the day, this show is more partisan hackery, it’s just not as spectacularly terrible as The O’Reilly Factor. Or maybe that’s just my hidden liberal agenda talking!

The Rachel Maddow Show (1-0) defeats The O’Reilly Factor (0-1) by a score of -3 to -16.

Culture Blues caught up with MVP and Governor, Ed Rendell. He had this to say: “This isn’t the last time my guest appearance will lead a show to victory. My upcoming cameo in Taxicab Confessions is going to go over huge.”

Have a suggestion for what I should be watching next? Let me know in the comments section.

Tagged as: bill o'reilly, brit hume, Droopy Dog-demon crossbreed, ed rendell, health care reform, o'reilly factor, rachel maddow