Culture Blues

Two Shows Enter: Feel Good Edition

In Two Shows Enter, Ben Van Iten and his trusty sidekick (vodka) rate two television programs on a variety of factors.  His scoring system is too complex to explain here, but giving him a house never hurts.

I know you Culture Blues junkies need a minute to catch your breath from the nonstop action and buckets of blood that the Tournament has so far provided.  Let’s face it; we’ve lost some good men out there (and Larusso).  You probably need a change of pace, something to bring down the adrenaline so you don’t staple your office manager in the eye and light that passive aggressive asshole on fire.  So with that in mind, the two shows that I will be taking a look at today were created to make us feel good.  In Extreme Makeover Home Edition, adorable families with adorable back stories are given an adorable house and… goddamnit I’m emotional already.  In Biggest Loser large people compete to lose the most weight by dieting, exercise, and occasionally chopping off their arms or legs as a gruesome last resort.  Alright, let’s get inspired!

Here’s what people have been saying about the Two Shows “Feel Good Edition”:

“I’m thinking of doing a crossover with Punk’d where after we give these poor bastards the house, Ashton Kutcher pops out and explains how mortgages and property taxes work.  Oh, it’ll be priceless.” – Ty Pennington, Host of Extreme Makeover Home Edition

“I’m proud to say we serve the biggest winners everyday!” – Stephanie Sanders, McDonald’s manager.

Extreme Makeover Home Edition

This is yet another show that I have never seen and, in all honesty, have avoided like the plague.  I don’t feel like the sentimental angle is going to work on me, but I cry when Jenny dies at the end of Forrest Gump every time so who knows.  For some families, the lifestyle upgrade is only a quick fix.  Ty and his crew can give you a house, but they won’t be covering the upkeep of these lavish homes, and they won’t be instilling financial responsibility either.  Foreclosure issues have plagued the show in recent years, but I’ll try to put that out of mind and just let the magic happen!

-Ty Pennington’s voice is nasal and overdramatic.  He speaks to everyone as if they are ten years old.  (-2 points)  It seems like he’s missed his true calling as a children’s TV show host, or a murder victim.

-The design crew, which includes a former Bachelorette (Jillian Harris) and Xzibit, are shown a video which details the family’s plight.  They are the Skaggs family, and their son Jhett had a heart defect.  (+1 point for the look on X’s face when they show the husband dressed in a cowboy hat, and country music is piped in)  The son eventually got a transplant but is very susceptible to illness and apparently they live in a toxic house.  The heart strings are pulled on further by audience volunteers Tanya and Santino.  Tanya has cancer, and is trying to show her son how to pay it forward or something.  Every time her illness is mentioned we get what I would like to call “cancer music.”  Whoever created that music is making an ass ton of money in royalties I’d suspect, because it’s the same stuff they use every time a terminal illness is brought up on any show.

-After seeing fifteen seconds of footage fellow designer Michael Maloney (who manages to be even more grating than Ty), quickly remarks that this really seems like a great family!  You know, they very well may be, but just because something bad happens to someone does not make them better people.  To deduce that without knowing anything about them seems vaguely patronizing and insulting in a way.  The only thing we know for sure is their son was sick.  Like most things in this show, his lines are cheesier than shit.  Shut up Michael Maloney, you’re a phony baloney! (-1 point)

-All right so we see shots of the old house, and it's in terrible condition.  There is mold everywhere.  I feel bad for little Jhett.  There goes my street cred.  So maybe this show might get to me after all.  (+2 points)

-It’s really easy to stay cynical when former Bachelorette Jillian Harris is trying way too hard to seem affected by all of this.  If I were to make a drinking game out of this episode, I would instruct you to take a shot every time she tells someone that they are inspiring her.  And oh look at that, she’s painting!  Now she’s awkwardly doing something with bricks!  What a go-getter!  This desperate attempt to stay relevant would be complete if only there was some fake crying, and a speech about discovering life’s true meaning.  Oh wait, there it is. (-4 points)

-Xzibit pimps a tractor! (+2 points) Among many cosmetic enhancements, he added gold flecks to the green paint.  The only thing that was missing was a Playstation 3 on the back.  Also, nothing is more out of place in this episode than the sample of one of his tracks that plays in the background during this bit.

-Building stuff looks hard.

-The audience volunteer Santino gets in on the terrible canned lines.  When the little boy is asked what’s so great about this week he replies, “helping people” in a super rigid way. (-2 points)  The funny thing is this story is actually fairly cool without the forced bullshit.  But I doubt the executives have enough faith in people to let that come through naturally.

-The family gets back to their new house.  Is the payoff worth it?  Eh, I guess. (+1 point)  I like seeing the family’s reaction (+1 point), the house is certainly nice.  The father is a cattle rancher, and the barn is a tremendous improvement over the old one.  Jhett also has a badass dinosaur themed room that I would have killed for as a youngster.  Fun fact: as a child I used to have a fanny pack with a picture of a stegosaurus on it.

-One thing that did legitimately make me smile was when Ty informed the family that a pharmaceutical company paid off all of Jhett’s medical bills, which by the sound of it were substantial. (+4 points)  They have also donated 50k to a fund for his future medical bills.  These are the kind of meaningful things this show can do, instead of bringing in rock stars to perform some shitty song.  I would argue that in a lot of ways, things like that can be a greater gift than the house itself, which as history shows can also be an albatross.

Total: 2 points.

Now hopefully the editors don’t turn this into Extreme Makeover Column Edition.  LOL JOKES!

Biggest Loser

Since losing weight has the potential to be the sweatiest and most embarrassing New Years resolution, it has its own reality show.  I mean seriously, would you watch people compete to see who could quit smoking first, or save the most money?  Probably not.  This season is couples themed, because like most reality shows they are going to hit us with as many different variations of it as possible until we just can’t fucking take it anymore.  Alright fatties, let’s sweat to the oldies or whatever.

-I come to realize that couples does not imply a romantic connection.  There are brothers, cousins, and parent/child combinations as well.  I find this out through a montage where everyone grunts a lot.

-Most shows make the assumption that while we’ve probably watched before, we might not watch religiously.  Biggest Loser jumps right in to the point where I feel a bit confused.  (-2 points)

-The opening challenge pits the blue team against the black team as they each pull a semi for a certain distance, and then have to put together a puzzle.  There is dramatic music, and I feel somewhat tense about the whole thing (+1 point) for reasons unbeknownst to me.  The winner earns groceries for a year.  The losing team has all the weight they lost surgically put back inside of them.  Okay, so maybe not that last part.

-In an attempt to simulate the real world, contestants have to work a full-time job as well as balance their diet and exercise.  Everything is going just great until a dramatic sub-plot arises!  Black team leader Sam forgets his lunch, and is forced to look through the vending machine, but all he can find are chips and cookies!  You can cut the tension with a knife.  There is even dramatic music, as if eating one bag of cheetos will instantly put on thirty pounds.  ALL HOPE IS LOST!  Then someone else suggests Subway, and we have what seems like a three minute advertisement for the Subway Veggie Delight.  Seriously?  Am I really watching this?  (-3 points)

-At this point there seems to be nothing remotely entertaining about this show (-4 points).  There was just a five minute montage of people working out, and then some more product placement for the “Biggest Loser Protein Powder.”  I really want this to be over.

-I’ve seen enough people eating salads that I felt compelled to order fried chicken.  I’m eating it now.  It’s fucking awesome.  (+2 points)

-You put a camera on anyone and all of a sudden they think they’ve got a cameo in Rudy. “I believe that we can do anything with enough hard work!” Already been over this with the Makeover crowd, but humans just don’t talk like this.  Stop it.  (-1 point)

-The Bachelor has the rose ceremony, Survivor has the thing with the torches, Extreme Makeover has the big house reveal, and Biggest Loser has the weigh-in.  How this works is everyone is weighed to see which team lost the greatest percentage of their weight.  The losing team has to vote off one of their teammates.  And given how hard these people have worked, I will concede there is some decent drama here (+2 points) but why in the hell is this a two hour show? (-1 point)  It really seemed like most everything up to this has been filler.

-It is kind of incredible that after doing this for a few months, some of these people are still managing to drop nine or ten pounds in a week.  I can see how this show can legitimately change someone’s life for the better, and establish healthy habits (+2 points).  It’s just a shame it’s so goddamn boring.

-Six people on the blue team (who I have decided to root for, don’t ask me why) lose a combined fifty pounds.  In order to beat the percentage of weight lost, the black team has to lose 38 points.  They finish six pounds short.  One of the trainers says that black team leader Sam might be a hindrance to his team because he’s starting to put on muscle now, so he won’t be losing as much weight.  Yes, heaven forbid anyone actually gets in shape.  (-1 point)

-They decide to kick off some old lady.  I’d put her name here, but would you really give a shit?

Total: -5 points

EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME EDITION (1-0) DEFEATS BIGGEST LOSER (0-1) BY THE FINAL OF 2 TO -5.

Culture Blues caught up with MVP Xzibit, who had this to say: “We’re the second reality TV show to win so far.  And you know, a lot of people don’t think me and the rest of the corny assholes on this show have a chance against American Idol.  Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure they’re right.  Oh fuck!”

Is that a challenge?  And will American Idol accept?  We’ll find out down the road.

Tagged as: bachelorette, biggest loser, extreme makeover home edition, jillian harris, mr x to the z, xzibit