Culture Blues

Tournament: Hope Outskirts Preview

Last week, we launched an event that will likely shake the internet to its very foundations: The Tournament - 80s Badass Edition. You can catch up on all the rules here. And see the Temple of Doom region here and the Nakatomi Plaza region here.

In our penultimate region we head into the wilderness. Led by a guerrilla warrior of the highest order, this region features some of the most skilled swordsman seen yet. What it may lack in sexy first round upset picks, Hope Outskirts is sure to make up for with some gruesome second round battles.

1. John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo: First Blood) vs 16. Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson, The Shining)

Perhaps the best way to describe both of these competitors is "haunted." Rambo is haunted by the friends he watched get mercilessly cut down by Charlie. Torrance is haunted by some honest to god poltergeists. The big difference? Whereas the fiercest opponent Torrance and his ax have faced is an aged groundskeeper (or perhaps an existential feeling of paternal duty), Rambo has successfully navigated the minefield of his own mind while slaughtering the equivalent of a small nation. Here’s Johnny, indeed.

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8. Tommy Lee (Phillip Rhee, Best of the Best) vs 9. Gabe Cash (Kurt Russell, Tango & Cash)

Tommy Lee is a portrait of restraint. A deliberate, methodical taekwondo prodigy. Passionate but never ruled by emotions, he may be the most clutch of all our athlete competitors. Meanwhile, Gabe Cash is so much the stereotypical loose cannon cop that fate saw it fit to force him to partner up with the straight laced Ray Tango as some sort of joke. Cash has never defeated an opponent with the unarmed combat proficiency of Lee. Then again, Lee has never driven a tank-like SUV straight into a super criminal's compound and massacred a small army either.

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5. Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn, The Terminator) vs 12. Nomad (Patrick Swayze, Steel Dawn)

In the battle of post-apocalyptic heroes, who will come out on top? The mysterious Nomad comes from an atomic bomb blasted future where you can get by on skill with a sword, so long as the sand people don’t grab you during meditation. Reese, on the other hand, comes from a future where human skulls are crushed under the cybernetic feet of our robot oppressors, a world where fuck swords, guns aren’t even enough. No one can doubt Nomad’s skills, but can he hold a candle to a guy that’s stared down a T-800 and (almost) lived to tell about it? We have dogs trained to smell upsets back at the base, and they ain’t barking.

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4. J.J. McQuade (Chuck Norris, Lone Wolf McQuade) vs 13. Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover, Lethal Weapon)

Roger Murtaugh is accustomed to fighting alongside Martin Riggs, an expert marksman, lethal martial artist and all around badass who, let's be honest, does all the dirty work. But now Murtaugh must stand alone against J.J. "Lone Wolf" McQuade, a man much like his own partner. McQuade loves automatic weapons, pointless exhibitions of his karate skills and his pet wolf. He's a humorless man who lives to uphold the law... by himself. Murtaugh may be the consummate partner and second banana, but he did serve his country in combat, has survived an entire career on the police force, and he has the pent up frustration and spiraling desperation that only an ever-elusive retirement and years and years of bad home cooking can give a man. It's the lone hunter versus the perpetual bridesmaid in a matchup that seems likely to go only one way.

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6. Frank Dux (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bloodsport) vs 11. Jonathan Cabot (Kurt Thomas, Gymkata)

Another matchup that seems preordained by some higher power. Dux and Cabot are both athletes who travel to a foreign land to compete in a mysterious and exclusive contest. Dux's considerably higher seed can be explained by the fact that the Kumite is a bunch of badass brawlers beating the crap out of each other while The Game is a fanciful forest scavenger hunt with some guys on horses following you and shooting arrows at you. Both were able to triumph in their respective contests, but how will they fare here?

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3. Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson, Death Wish) vs 14. Mick O'Brien (Sean Penn, Bad Boys)

Paul Kersey kills punks like O'Brien. That's what this icy killer with the personality of a dead moth does. It's his "thing." But he may have never run up against a kid like O'Brien before. The Rainford Juvenile Correctional Facility pit fighting champion will not hesitate to beat you with a pipe or a pillowcase full of unopened Coke cans. Perhaps most dangerous to Kersey though, is that bit of humanity that lingers inside of O'Brien. Will the bleeding heart turned Reagan era vigilante revert to his old ways when he realizes that Mick isn't a complete monster? Will O'Brien stick Kersey with the shiv that was meant for Paco? Soon we’ll find out.

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7. Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell, Army of Darkness) vs 10. Joe Armstrong (Michael Dudikoff, American Ninja)

Joe Armstrong might be an amnesiac, but one thing he remembers is how to kick some serious ass. Blending two unique skill sets – Army Ranger and Ninja – Armstrong has the disregard for authority and badass bonafides to make him a potential Cinderella story. His opponent? Just an everyday dude with a chainsaw arm. Ash Williams works in house wares, wields a mean boomstick, and knows how to deliver a badass quip better than anyone in this tournament (even you, McClane). But, when fighting hordes of the undead in the dark ages, Ash always favored a haphazard approach, confronting his enemies like a lantern jawed battering ram. How will his slapdash style stand up against someone with the precise skills of the American Ninja?

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2. Conan the Cimmerian (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Conan the Barbarian) vs 15. Madmartigan (Val Kilmer, Willow)

The rakish protector of Nelwyns everywhere, Madmartigan is what passes for a master swordsman in his realm. Unfortunately for him, even the evil Queen Bavmorda couldn’t have imagined a more fearsome opponent than Conan the mother fucking Barbarian. Conan’s tolerance for punishment, skill with edged weaponry, and unquenchable thirst for blood make him one of this tournament’s favorites. In fact, insiders are reporting that the only thing that kept Conan from a #1 seed was his complete ignorance of firearms. While it remains to be seen how many bullets The Destroyer can absorb, Conan won’t have to worry about that until later rounds. Not that Conan even knows how to worry. Right about now, we’re betting Madmartigan wishes that fake hobbit had never gone and opened his cage.

Are all these melee weapon devotees at a decided disadvantage against their gun toting counterparts? How will Murtaugh and Cash do without the help of their partners? Who do you want to see revealed in the final region? Just what is Chuck Bronson's deal? Make your voice heard below.

Tagged as: american ninja, bad boys, best of the best, bloodsport, conan the barbarian, death wish, evil dead, gymkata, lethal weapon, lone wolf mcquade, rambo, steel dawn, tango & cash, terminator, the shining, willow