The Tournament: Temple of Doom Preview
Last week, we launched an event that will likely shake the internet to its very foundations: The Tournament - 80s Badass Edition. You can catch up on all the rules here. With anticipation boiling over all weekend, we are finally ready to unveil the first regional.
Named in honor of its #1 seed Indiana Jones, the Temple of Doom regional features an interesting mix of competitors. From legendary masters of pugilism to action heroes with notorious body counts, the top seeds of The Temple are a versatile bunch that will require all of Indy's improvisational skills to survive. However, one should not discount the presence of two master criminals lurking in the bottom half of the bracket, both poised to give the higher seeds a run for their money (or a rush rush to the yayo).
1. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford, Raiders of the Lost Ark, etc) vs 16. Billy Peltzer (Zach Galligan, Gremlins)
As a #1 seed, Indiana Jones’ reputation as a badass precedes him. Billy Peltzer however, who squeaks into the tournament as a #16, has a lot to prove. Peltzer makes the field after successfully defending a small town from a marauding band of carnivorous, hilarious monsters. While Peltzer might have committed the great gremlin genocide of Kingston Falls, his effectiveness against a human opponent remains untested. Say what you will about Peltzer’s relative greenness, but if Jones had to battle a bunch of Nazis that multiplied when wet, he might not have recovered the Ark.
8. Nico Toscani (Steven Seagal, Above the Law) vs 9. William H. Bonney (Emilio Estevez, Young Guns)
Martial arts precision meets Wild West gun slinging in this exciting mid-bracket matchup. Bonney, famously known as “Billy the Kid,” made a name for himself as a an outlaw and gunman in late 19th Century New Mexico. A crack shot with a short temper, Bonney’s style stand in direct contrast to Chicago cop Nico Toscani’s cool headed defensive brand of bone breaking, clotheslining martial arts. The men are not entirely dissimilar, though. Both are reputed to have shot men dead in the middle of the street with little provocation. If Bonney is able to gain an early advantage with his pistols, it might be all over except for the crying as Toscani is a terrible runner.
5. Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone, Rocky, etc) vs 12. Alex Grady (Eric Roberts, Best of the Best)
In a bout between two of the most upstanding, patriotic heroes this great nation has to offer, we have boxing legend Rocky Balboa squaring off with taekwondo master Alex Grady. The similarities here are endless: both have amazing tolerance for pain and a willingness to keep fighting when injured; both have faced off against the most vicious fighters that the Axis of Evil has to offer; and both conduct themselves with an honor and dignity rarely seen in this Tournament. Rocky would seem to have the advantage here, but after absorbing nearly a gazillion blows to the head, we have to wonder how punch drunk the Italian Stallion will be come fight time. Also, it remains to be seen how Grady’s trick shoulder will factor in. Frankly, these two sportsmen should consider themselves lucky to be pitted against one another. It’s all cold-blooded killers from here on out.
4. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Police Story, etc) vs 13. R.J. MacReady (Kurt Russell, The Thing)
Often described as Hong Kong’s answer to John McClane, Chan Ka-Kui is a force to be reckoned with. At #4, many of our international correspondents believe Ka-Kui should have ranked even higher. Accusations of American bias aside, we must acknowledge Ka-Kui’s preternatural speed and martial arts acumen will make him a tough out for anyone. The first to try is R.J. MacReady. Fresh from an Antarctic research station where MacReady eradicated (we hope) a parasitic alien life form primarily through use of a flamethrower, MacReady has really seen some heavy shit. For instance, Ka-Kui never had to deal with the severed head of a colleague sprouting spider legs and walking around. On the other hand, MacReady never faced an alien that could jump kick through a windshield.
6. Elliot Ness (Kevin Costner, The Untouchables) vs 11. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman, Die Hard)
A fortuitous matchup for both men as they are pitted against a natural enemy. It’s the mob buster vs. the master of misdirection and American accents. Look for Ness to take the fight vertical as he likes to throw people off buildings (a tactic Gruber is sure to resent due to an unexplained yet extreme fear of heights), while Gruber will likely set up an overly elaborate trap to take advantage of Ness’ battering ram instincts. Possibly the beginning of a lifelong grudge, this is sure to be one of the more contentious first round battles.
3. Dalton (Patrick Swayze, Road House) vs 14. Steve (Clancy Brown, Shoot to Kill)
In an intriguing first round match-up, massive fan favorite and the most legendary “cooler” (that’s better than just an ordinary bouncer, dummy) in the bar violence industry, Dalton, finds himself face-to-face with another one-name competitor, Steve. The sociopathic Steve is a relative unknown, but he makes the field after displaying a total disregard for human life that would make even Hans Gruber blush. Why throw one innocent camper off a cliff when you could throw six instead, right Steve? Not one to shy away from blowing a few heads off, it remains to be seen whether Steve can do Dalton any damage, or if he’s just the lone wolf equivalent of one of Wesley’s thugs.
7. Tony Montana (Al Pacino, Scarface) vs 10. Private Vasquez (Jenette Goldstein, Aliens)
It’s the Battle of the Big Ass Guns as Montana’s M16 assault rifle with M203 grenade launcher attachment goes up against Vasquez’s M56 smart gun. Montana, the ruthless Cuban drug lord and self-proclaimed “bad guy” hasn’t seen the things that Vasquez, the hardened soldier of vaguely futuristic Hispanic (possibly Jewish) descent has. She exploded the bodies of many a deadly alien in space. Montana has a knack for surviving sticky situations though, known for escaping certain chainsaw death and still making off with the coke. It’s uncertain what effect Montana’s mountains of coke and Hoover-like nose will have on the matchup. The one certainty here is that the world might run out of bullets before it’s over.
2. John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando) vs 15. Kesuke Miyagi (Pat Mortia, The Karate Kid)
Don’t let his boundless love for his daughter or his ice cream antics fool you, John Matrix is a killing machine and sure to be a favorite in any contest in which there is a premium on firepower, hand to hand combat and hilariously bad one-liners. Matrix, famous for invading the island of Val Verde and defeating an entire army singlehandedly, meets an odd foe in Miyagi, a mild mannered karate practitioner/instructor. Largely a pacifist, Miyagi is, however, not a stranger to the battlefield. He was awarded the Medal of Honor, Distinguished Service Cross, Silver Star, Bronze Star and multiple Purple Hearts during his thorough ass kicking in WWII for the good ol’ U.S. of A, all while his wife and unborn son were dying in an internment camp in California. Miyagi is definitely an underdog considering the disparity in age, physical stature and arsenal, but he’s also a more than capable fighter with a heartwarming story sure to resonate with the public.
Who do you see escaping The Temple of Doom and making it to the Final 4? What upsets do you see in the first round? Which has the better soundtrack The Karate Kid or Scarface? We want to hear from you!
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Vasquez? Really? I mean, don't get me wrong, the smart gun is sex on a stick, but the girl bites it in an air duct. AN AIR DUCT. Hugging some dude. Hicks took an acid bath to the face and still managed to kick a little ass. Plus let's not kid ourselves... Michael Biehn survived an AWFUL lot longer against a Terminator as Kyle Reese than Jenette Goldstein did as whatever the fuck John Connor's adoptive mom's name was.
This choice makes me cry.
You know, screw it. An 8-year old girl was the biggest badass in that movie, so fuck my opinion.
If Matrix had sex with his daughter, this wouldn't even be a contest.
miyagi. That playa does bonsai trees...you know how much focus that takes?! Plus the m*fuka spent an entire career in a janitor closet...think of the rage!
Most of the bad guys are at a natural disadvantage because we've never seen them win, but I think Hans Gruber is my bracket buster here. He wants to get at McClane pretty bad. That being said, he has no chance to take the whole bracket. Tony Montana has the resources, the determination, and he can take at least 154 gunshots.
matrix is a 2 seed? the first time we see him he is carrying an entire tree on his shoulder! i don't see the #1 making it out of this regional.
Either John Matrix or Chan Ka Kui is going to take this bracket for a couple of reasons. Both can use weapons, both can take a hit, and both can do incredible damage in hand-to-hand combat. In the Police Story and Crime Story movies Chan takes incredible beatings...but he drives a POS Mitsubushi down a mountain, and a shanty town, without killing himself...only to end off the struggle by standing toe-to-toe with a double decker bus and making it stop. Chan has the brains and the balls where Matrix has the strength and the weapons.
This is a very convincing argument not just for Chan and Matrix, but against Indy. Where are my Doctor Jones supporters?
Count me as a Doctor Jones supporter. In fact, the convincing argument for Chan and Matrix works for Indy as well--obviously he's versed in weapons (albeit, usually weapons from the early 20th century), can obviously take a hit, as evidenced by the countless punches to the chin he has taken. He's clearly intelligent (college prof, holla!). But also, he has patience--as evidenced by his tolerance for Short Round. Patience can play a big role when it comes to the methodical side of fighting. Also, we should not forget that Indy has undoubtedly seen some crazy shit; while Chan and Matrix have impressive credentials, they were not mentally hardened by the grotesque and inhumane images of Nazi Germany (or child labor--see Temple of Doom).
Indy has fought in jungles, in the desert, in caves, in battlefields. Such diversity gives him a clear advantage, as far as I'm concerned. He belongs in a museum!
Great points about Indy. Dr. Jones has shown that he can survive in any type of environment with minimal weapons, surviving off of wit and intellect alone. Compared to Matrix and Chan, this gives Jones a real advantage over Matrix. Against Chan, though, it does reinforce his reputation as a fighter. You will not find a more resourceful fighter then Chan Ka Kui. If you think about it, while Jones had to evade various traps and run away from the enemy (the fight or flight mentality) Chan had to make due with his environment while fighting off 5-10 men at the same time. A great example of this resourcefulness and guile can be seen at the end of Police Story in the "Mall Battle" where Chan slides down a pole for, at least, two stories. As he slides down the pole, he breaks though various sheets of glass and breaks many strands of light ropes. Burns, cuts and electrocution? Check. Stagger around for a couple of seconds and capture the bad guy after kicking some more ass? That's just a normal Wednesday afternoon for Chan Ka Kui.
To me, his "unbreakable" moment is when Chan is mounted on a motorcycle and is driven though various plates of glass without dying. Hell, he only had a couple of cuts!
With little response recognition of Dalton, I don't want to presume that readers here have missed one of the all time greatest movies Roadhouse. Dalton was the perfect badass. He kept his head and was nice until nice didn't work. And the fact that he doesn't ask to be numbed up when getting stitched up, that's badass. Let us not forget the badass line, "Pain don't hurt." After hearing much of these other characters wince in pain, Dalton gets my vote.
Indy is going out early. His fighting skills lack severely and he is bested numerous times in the film. The guy was tied to a pole at the end of the film and only survived because the Nazi's opened Mumm-Ra's tomb before Lion-O deactivated the alarm system.