The Tournament: Sweet Sixteen
The field of 64 deadly combatants has been whittled down to a mere 16. Here, they meet in the Regional Semifinals. Who will make it to the next round? Find out in the exciting results section below. Don't forget to check below to see if you've made the leaderboard.
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TEMPLE OF DOOM
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3. Dalton (Patrick Swayze, Road House) vs 2. John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando)
Prior to this match, fans wondered how Dalton could possibly slip past Matrix’s heavy artillery in order to make this a hand-to-hand fight. That question was answered early on, when a stuffed polar bear was tipped onto Matrix, temporarily stunning the trigger happy commando. Dalton followed the surprise attack with a volley of throwing knives, an underrated talent of the barroom brawler. Surprisingly, the knife wounds were easily absorbed by Matrix’s near super human physique. Dalton delivered a series of karate punches and kicks that would’ve felled even the mightiest drunk, but barely made a dent in the steely hide of Matrix. Fueled by love for his recently abducted daughter, Matrix fought through Dalton’s blows, blocked the infamous cobra throat punch, and gutted Dalton with one of his own knives. Pundits believed that Matrix’s hand-to-hand might be his one weakness going into this tournament. In taking down Dalton, has the Commando proven them wrong?
WINNER: John Matrix, via gutting
4. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Police Story, etc) vs 8. Nico Toscani (Steven Seagal, Above the Law)
There isn’t a more appropriate Sweet 16 matchup on the card. Two cops. Two martial arts experts who have yet to face a fellow practitioner. Two men who excel at battling multiple foes at once. Nico opened the match by attempting his trademark grapples and judo tosses, but found that Chan is much more slippery than the burly sort he’s used to outmaneuvering. When Nico finally succeeded in throwing Chan through a glass sliding door, he thought he was in the driver’s seat. But Chan just bounced back to his feet, more fired up than ever, and unleashed a barrage of lightning fast punches too quick for Nico to keep up with. Ultimately Chan’s speed left the Chicago cop more disoriented than a syringe full of Zagon’s truth serum.
WINNER: Chan Ka Kui, via superior martial arts abilities
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HOPE OUTSKIRTS
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1. John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo: First Blood) vs 5. Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn, The Terminator)
Two hardened veterans of very different wars, the battle between Rambo and Reese was a surprisingly even one. While not necessarily the brutal killing machine that Rambo is, Reese was nonetheless in control of his faculties, not once flashing back to the death of his buddies at the metallic hands of the T-100 Shinebox model. This mental acuity allowed Reese to lead Rambo into a trap where he was nearly able to maim the heavily favored Rambo with a homemade pipe bomb. However, the first sight of his own blood helped Rambo to focus and turn Reese’s game of hide-and-seek against him. Using the old “light a bunch of ammunition on fire” trick, Rambo was able to create a distraction that worked on Reese, a man used to dealing with noisy robotic enemies head-on. Stealthier than any Terminator, Rambo slipped behind Reese for the bow shot to the spine.
WINNER: John J Rambo, via the Trautman method
2. Conan the Cimmerian (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Conan the Barbarian) vs 6. Frank Dux (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bloodsport)
Despite being from a much more advanced time, Frank Dux entered this match at a technological disadvantage. He’s empty handed. Conan has a full stock of barbarian weapons, as well as an anachronistic chainsaw hand he took from Ash in Round 2. Dux, however, has taken down bigger foes before and he’s capable of turning weapons on their users. Conan, perhaps a bit overconfident, charged in, allowing Dux to dodge a chainsaw slash. The chainsaw bounced off a boulder and leapt from Conan’s hand. Dux narrowed his eyes as Conan drew a sword AND an axe. Conan lunged in with the sword, and Dux employed a deft disarming move to relieve him of it. But it only took one swipe from Conan’s mighty axe to relieve Dux… of his head.
WINNER: Conan, via a multitude of sharp objects
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NAKATOMI PLAZA
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1. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard) vs 13. Jed Eckert (Patrick Swayze, Red Dawn)
The Cinderella story of the tournament so far, Jed Eckert comes into his Sweet Sixteen match-up in good shape, thanks in no small part to the frequent assistance of his Wolverines. McClane, on the other hand, has been blown-up by a teenage sociopath and beaten to a pulp by a Russian superman. However, if there’s one thing that McClane excels at, it’s slowly taking apart large groups in spite of impossible odds. The fight began as expected, with McClane engaging The Wolverines in a protracted game of cat-and-mouse, picking them off one by one. He strangled Charlie Sheen with a belt and pitched C. Thomas Howell down an elevator shaft. It was awesome. With his support dwindling, Eckert was forced to engage an opponent one-on-one for the first time in this tournament. While the hillbilly revolutionary managed to get a few shots in on the wounded McClane, it wouldn’t be enough to keep him from getting pitched out a window with a live grenade shoved down his pants. Limping away from the fight, McClane was quoted as saying: “Avenge that, motherfucker.”
WINNER: John McClane, via explosive defenestration
2. Dutch Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Predator) vs 3. Mad Rockatansky (Mel Gibson, Mad Max)
Both of these men know how to fight with whatever tools are at hand. Dutch sat back, waiting patiently in desert camo while Mad Max carefully navigated his elaborate booby traps, the wily wastelander no stranger to such subterfuge. When Dutch jumped at an opportunity to attack, Mad Max spent his last shotgun shell sending a load of buckshot into his chest. Down to just a knife, but having the advantage, Mad Max charged in to finish the job. And Dutch used the superior reach of his flint spear to make sure Mad Max never got within striking distance. Turning on the killer instinct that allows him to survive mortal combat with all species, Dutch wins and heads into the Elite Eight wounded, but looking strong.
WINNER: Dutch Schaefer, via being one with the land
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GOLDEN GATE
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1. Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry) vs 4. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Aliens)
This meeting of drastically different generations took place in an abandoned shipyard. Harry Callahan is an old fashioned man who learned to respect women the hard way. By having Ellen Ripley open up a flamethrower on his ass. Startled, Callahan dropped the cumbersome harpoon gun he’d commandeered from a ship and retreated to the shadows hoping to rely on marksmanship and pure stopping power. But Ripley, adept at stalking through dark corridors, cornered the grizzled veteran. As he raised his revolver, he realized his feeble geriatric brain had failed him. He’d miscounted. He was out of bullets. He would have added a resigned “Ain’t life a bitch” swan song, but Ripley’s grenade tore his wrinkly, alien-like body apart before he had the chance.
WINNER: Ellen Ripley, via youth and Harry Callahan’s exploding body showering her in regular blood, not acid blood
2. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon) vs 3. Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell, Escape From New York)
Martin Riggs was able to fight his first two battles from cover. Not so in this fight, as Snake descended on Riggs from above via hang-glider, spraying the suicidal cop with automatic weapon fire. Grazed, Riggs’ vaunted cardio regimen paid off as he was able to outrun the gliding Snake, returning fire as he did so. As usual, Snake was wounded in the leg, and came up limping from his crash landing in a totally badass way. Observing that Snake had lost his weapons in the glider crash, and never one to shy away from defending his title, Riggs closed in for hand-to-hand combat. While Plissken has some decent wins on his resume in hand-to-hand, he’s got nowhere near the track record of Martin Riggs, and was easily taken apart on Roger Murtaugh’s front yard, right next to the broken fire hydrant. If it’s any consolation, if this fight was decided by full court basketball shots, Plissken would’ve been a shoe-in.
WINNER: Martin Riggs, via the patented Martin Riggs head scissors
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After the shocking events of the Sweet Sixteen – how is your bracket looking?
Only 10% of you still have an intact Final Four. Congratulations if that includes you! At 58% the majority of you still have a living champion. Snake Plissken was the most popular champion pick eliminated thus far. Our apologies to Kurt Russell who, despite fielding the maximum 4 fighters allowed, failed to advance a character beyond the Sweet Sixteen.
Exploding into the standings for the first time by correctly identifying 6 of the Elite Eight is Zook. Was this breakout performance enough to knock out the nepotistic Culture Blues staff? Check out the Leader Board:
TOP SCORES:
Giovanny C (Conan, Ripley, McClane, Matrix) – 78 Pts
Ben V (Dutch, Chan, Rambo, Plissken) – 76 Pts
Zook (Rambo, Matrix, Dutch, Ripley) – 70 Pts
Matt C (Matrix, Rambo, Dutch, Plissken) – 70 Pts
Carl A (Conan, Matrix, Plissken, Burton) – 66 Pts
We’ll be back with the Elite Eight results later today! Stay tuned!
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Once again, Rambo proves how truly resilient—and dangerous—he is. Simply put, aside from possibly going insane during psychoanalysis by a group of suits, there is nothing the man couldn’t handle. Given his army background, he has the ability to cooperate for a collective objective, but he is also lethal and resourceful on his own. He’s Batman, but with Vietnam experience and less predilection for money and prepubescent boys in green tights.
Upon examination, Rambo’s tactical approach reveals itself to actually be quite methodical and brilliant, and he employs it repeatedly (because it works). He begins battles on his enemy’s turf (whether that’s a small town in the Pacific Northwest or an enemy command bases). Giving the enemy home field advantage right off the bat undoubtedly gives the enemy a false sense of confidence. Yet, through sheer versatility, tenacity, and uncanny endurance, mayhem ensues, and Rambo is able to lure his enemy onto John J.’s territory (read: the jungle). It’s precisely that fluid switch from familiarity and unfamiliarity, and Rambo’s ability to oscillate effortlessly from setting to setting, that leaves his enemies reeling.
Furthermore, Rambo’s enemies often fall victim to their own hubris. They employ excessive amount of artillery, manpower and yelling to combat him, essentially supersaturating every situation with quantity over accuracy. Of course, as the ending of First Blood exemplifies, taking down Rambo lies not in overpowering him with weaponry and armaments, but with a little good, old-fashioned man-to-man talking. Rambo’s hasty synapses are calmed by conversation, not calamity. He sorta just wants to shoot the breeze (no pun intended). And until an enemy comprehends such a fine point, all opponents will attempt to fight fire-with-fire, and they will lose. In that sense, a loquacious grandfather or a gregarious bartender has a better chance at bettering Rambo than any of these action stars who see violence as the only means to Rambo’s end.
No way Dalton loses that. I mean, he ripped a guys throat out. Did Matrix ever face an evil millionaire with a Monster Truck? I think not. Plus, Dalton would have pickedf up artillery from Steve in round 1 and who knows what from Hansy Bubby in round 2. Sure, he doesn't like guns, but I think his general where-with-all and survival attitude would have brought him strapped into his match versus Matrix.
This is rigged like the 1985 NBA draft with Ewing and the Knicks!
If he did come in strapped, does that really help? Is John Matrix really the sort of dude you want to get into a gun fight with?
i really like the phrase "anachronistic chainsaw."