Culture Blues

The Tournament: Second Round

We're down to 32 competitors vying for the title of World's Biggest 80's Movie Badass. If you have no idea what's going on, check out Tournament Central for an introduction and previews of all the regions as well as Round 1 results.

The competition gets much more fierce here in Round 2, so let's get right to the results.

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HOPE OUTSKIRTS ROUND 2

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4. J.J. McQuade (Chuck Norris, Lone Wolf McQuade) vs 5. Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn, The Terminator)

J.J. McQuade comes from a past version of Texas where no one is capable of shooting straight and spinning around in a circle while firing an uzi might net you a dozen dead bad guys. Kyle Reese comes from a future where bullshit like that just doesn’t fly. McQuade, aware that he’d be at an advantage in hand-to-hand combat, attempted to close the distance on the crafty Reese. However, Lonewolf never expected to meet an opponent capable of aiming and shooting. If McQuade’s stiff face was capable of registering emotion, we’re sure it would’ve shown surprise right before it got blown off.

WINNER:  Kyle Reese, via the future being one fucked place, way worse than Texas

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1. John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo: First Blood) vs 9. Gabe Cash (Kurt Russell, Tango & Cash)

Rambo’s problems with authority are well-documented. Cash might be a super cop, but he is simply outgunned in every regard. Rambo made short work of Cash without even breaking out the heavy artillery. With the top seed lethal against entire battalions of enemies, what chance does any one man have against him?

WINNER:  John J Rambo, via hunting knife to the jugular

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3. Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson, Death Wish) vs 6. Frank Dux (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bloodsport)

Frank Dux is a respected soldier in the US Army. Paul Kersey was a conscientious objector. Frank Dux fights in underground martial arts tournaments. Paul Kersey walks around at night shooting muggers in the back. When these two met in a dark alley, Kersey had the upper hand due to his pistol. If only he’d been able to hold onto the gun when Dux jumping spin kicked him in the head, and then performed that palm strike that knocks the guy’s nose into his brain.

WINNER: Frank Dux, via speed, finesse, agility and not being a rapist

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2. Conan the Cimmerian (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Conan the Barbarian) vs 7. Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell, Army of Darkness)

It’s no surprise that on-lookers left the arena covered in viscera after what was easily the bloodiest battle of the 2^nd round. Ash arrived on the scene in his propeller equipped Oldsmobile, but was surprised to find his vehicle disabled by one of Conan’s booby-traps. The Barbarian proved early on he wasn’t your average primitive, getting the advantage over Ash until the boomstick was unleashed. Blown back but not severely wounded, Conan bided his time until Ash’s ammo was spent. From there, it was a clash of broadsword versus chainsaw, the two competitors hacking away at each with reckless abandon. In the end, one man fell, and the other raised a chainsaw arm high in victory. That man was Conan. He chopped off that arm.

WINNER:  Conan, via – oh shit, now Conan has a chainsaw

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NAKATOMI PLAZA ROUND 2

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1. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard) vs 9. Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren, Rocky IV)

John McClane has bested many men just like Ivan Drago. One of the resilient detective's favorite tricks is to let an oversized eastern European adversary beat on him until he sees an opening. He employs the strategy here. The only problem is, McClane did not account for the superhuman punching power of Drago or the fact that he'd had a building dumped on his head in the First Round. Drago beats the life from McClane, and then McClane kills him with a chain and lights a cigarette. But the cowboy is starting to show serious wear and tear after the first two rounds. Analysts wonder if he has enough left to go all the way.

WINNER: John McClane, via the rope-a-dope

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12. Jack Walsh (Robert De Niro, Midnight Run) vs  13. Jed Eckert (Patrick Swayze, Red Dawn)

In his controversial first round victory, Jack Walsh bested a bumbling truck driver. In the second round, the miserable bounty hunter found himself faced with a well-armed opponent possessed of a brilliant tactical mind and in command of a dozen teenage freedom fighters. Suffice it to say, this one was over quickly.

WINNER:  Jed Eckert, via superior numbers and planning

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3. Mad Rockatansky (Mel Gibson, Mad Max) vs 6. Mr. Joshua (Gary Busey, Lethal Weapon)

Winded from wiping out an entire street gang, Mr. Joshua knew he was in trouble when Mad Max, who hasn’t even left his car yet, cruised onto the scene. Joshua immediately emptied his Colt Commando machine gun into the car, forcing Mad Max to evacuate. Joshua pounced on the disoriented wastelander, choking him with the barrel of his gun. While gasping for breath, Max reached underneath his car, pulled out his knife and slid it between Joshua’s ribs, quietly putting to rest to the malevolent mercenary.

WINNER: Mad Max Rockatansky, via the old "knife in a sheath on the underside of the car" trick

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2. Dutch Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Predator) vs 7. Marion Cobretti (Sylvester Stallone, Cobra)

Marion Cobretti stalks around the urban jungle hunting criminals much the same way the galaxy’s greatest hunter stalked around the real jungle hunting Dutch Schaefer. Cobretti attempted a similar approach in this match, unfortunately not realizing that Dutch is smarter and more resourceful than himself. Not to mention that even in Cobra’s greatest strength, weaponry, he’s still outmatched. It was pure folly for Cobretti to come in here with all the bravado he brings to a supermarket showdown. Then again, Cobretti is pretty fucking dumb.

WINNER: Dutch Schaefer, via booby trap

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GOLDEN GATE ROUND 2

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1. Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry) vs 8. Kurt Sloane (Jean Claude Van Damme, Kickboxer)

Prior to the match, “Dirty” Harry Callahan proclaimed that Sloane looked like a “fuckin’ fruit” in his loincloth. While Sloane ritualistically wrapped his fists in bandages and dipped them in broken glass, Callahan addressed his opponent directly saying, “Sloane, if you want to jerk all these people off, you can, but don't do it with me.” Sloane ignored the grizzled veteran’s comments and stepped into the ring. Harry held his AMC Auto Mag pistol aloft as if to say, “ever seen one of these before.” Then he shot Sloane twice in the stomach. From the audience, David Sloane was heard letting out a feral scream as another brother fell.

WINNER: Harry Callahan, via itchy trigger finger

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4. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Aliens) vs 12. Axl Foley (Eddie Murphy, Beverly Hills Cop)

When Foley realized that ruses such as the one that got him to Round 2 would not work on Ellen Ripley, he quickly went to his secret weapon, the Annihilator 2000. This high performance weapon for the upper income urban survivalist gave Foley the firepower he needed to compete with the tough-as-nails alien killer. Unfortunately, Ripley also has a machine gun, grenade launcher and flamethrower. And they’re from the future. And they don’t look dumb. Blame Bronson Pinchot.

WINNER: Ellen Ripley, via not being a comedy character

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3. Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell, Escape From New York) vs 6. Nada (Roddy Piper, They Live)

This was a slugfest. With Nada still feeling the effects of his first round brawl with Sykes, Plissken had a clear advantage coming in. Still, Nada feeds off beatings, only getting stronger with every punch to the kidneys and poke to the eyes. While this one might have started off as a fist fight, it was only a matter of time before one of these dirty sons of bitches went for the artillery. Nada was the first to draw, plugging Snake with a shotgun blast to the chest. It would’ve killed Snake, except Plissken had already ducked out of the line of fire and replaced himself with a holographic projection. With Nada not able to trust his own magic sunglasses, all Snake had to do was pull his own shotgun from beneath his overcoat and finish off his opponent.

WINNER:  Snake Plissken, via hologram

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2. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon) vs 10. Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Running Man)

Ben Richards is used to flashy enemies hunting him down, putting on a show for the audience. He isn’t used to getting sniped from the bushes. For the second battle in a row, Riggs is able to dispatch his opponent from afar with a single pull of the trigger. However, post-match, reports are coming in that Riggs spent a great deal of time staring into the distance, making Three Stooges noises, and being shirtless. Can he remain the cool-headed killing machine in the Sweet Sixteen? Or are his suicidal tendencies surfacing?

WINNER:  Martin Riggs, via the only thing he was ever good at

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TEMPLE OF DOOM ROUND 2

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1. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford, Raiders of the Lost Ark, etc) vs 8. Nico Toscani (Steven Seagal, Above the Law)

Nico runs up against yet another man known for shooting people dead in the street as a first resort. But firearms aren’t Indy or Nico’s strong suit, and this was always going to come down to close range combat. Indy looks to drag the fight out, softening the Chicago cop up for an out of nowhere deathblow or an errant plane propeller. He starts with a few old fashioned and well placed jabs to feel out his opponent. Nico grabs one of those jabs and pulls Indy in for a clothesline. Then he snaps his neck.

WINNER: Nico Toscani, via clothesline followed by neck snap

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4. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Police Story, etc) vs 5. Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone, Rocky, etc)

At points, it seemed like Chan was simply toying with the champ. Balboa has more power and can definitely take a punch or fifty, but how could he stop an opponent who wouldn’t just let himself be punched in the face? Chan’s superior speed and agility proved too much for Rocky as Philadelphia’s favorite son eventually punched himself out and Chan simply pushed him on over.

WINNER:  Chan Ka-Kui, via exhaustion and lingering brain damage

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3. Dalton (Patrick Swayze, Road House) vs 11. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman, Die Hard)

A nattily dressed man with a hard to discern accent approached Dalton at the Double Deuce. He offered Dalton a lucrative job as a cooler at a bar in Los Angeles. Dalton accepted and, when he arrived at his new workplace, it exploded. The mystery man holding the detonator? Hans Gruber. Another brilliant plan by the tournament’s mastermind. Except Hans didn’t count on Dalton surviving. Which, of course, he did. And after he finished stitching himself up, Dalton delivered one hell of a throat punch.

WINNER:  Dalton, via emphatic throat tearing

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2. John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando) vs 7. Tony Montana (Al Pacino, Scarface)

Tony Montana made it past Private Vasquez based on his superior armor and his use of explosives. In John Matrix, he met someone who endlessly exceeds Scarface on both of these counts. John Matrix doesn’t need armor, because no one can hit him, and he packs more raw firepower than anyone in the field. Montana doesn’t have the brains or combat skills to overcome these disadvantages. Matrix looks nigh unstoppable as he cruises into the Sweet 16.

WINNER: John Matrix, via rocket launchers beat grenade launchers

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Here are your Sweet 16 matches:

HOPE OUTSKIRTS REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

1. John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo: First Blood) vs 5. Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn, The Terminator)

2. Conan the Cimmerian (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Conan the Barbarian) vs 6. Frank Dux (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bloodsport)

NAKATOMI PLAZA REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

1. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard) vs 13. Jed Eckert (Patrick Swayze, Red Dawn)

2. Dutch Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Predator) vs 3. Mad Rockatansky (Mel Gibson, Mad Max)

GOLDEN GATE REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

1. Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry) vs 4. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Aliens)

2. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon) vs 3. Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell, Escape From New York)

TEMPLE OF DOOM REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

4. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Police Story, etc) vs 8. Nico Toscani (Steven Seagal, Above the Law)

2. John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando) vs 3. Dalton (Patrick Swayze, Road House)

Stat time!

With the Sweet Sixteen set, we have two Cinderella stories in Jed Eckert and Nico Toscani. If you picked either of these two underdogs to make it this far, give yourself a pat on the back. Only 13% of brackets had Nico advancing past Indy, and only 9% had Jed Eckert and his Wolverines staging an insurgency into the second week. No one picked them both.

Currently, most scores hover in the mid-40s. 44% of participants still have their entire Final Four in play. Good for you guys!

Who isn’t doing well? How about popular commenter Koko who picked only 5 of the Sweet Sixteen correctly. Koko (Final Four: Rambo, Indy, Drago, Foley) sits near the bottom with a meager 30 points. Still in the basement is the Madmartigan loving Jon M with 27 points.

Turning in the best second round performance was Culture Blues music editor Giovanny Caquias who selected 13 of the Sweet Sixteen correctly. That, combined with the continued success of regular contributor Ben Van Iten, is sure making this contest look suspiciously incestuous. Rest assured, we’re not giving these carpetbaggers anything for free. It’s strictly a matter of pride (Giovanny’s disdain for you readers is especially well documented).

THE LEADERBOARD:
Ben V (Dutch, Chan, Rambo, Plissken) – 52 Pts
Matt C (Matrix, Rambo, Dutch, Plissken) – 50 Pts
Giovanny C (Conan, Ripley, McClane, Matrix) – 50 Pts
Will S (Rambo, Dalton, Dutch, Riggs) – 49 Pts
Thurman (Riggs, McClane, Reese, Chan) – 48 Pts

It’s still anyone’s game! We’ll see you back here on Tuesday for both the Sweet Sixteen and the Elite Eight. In the meantime, give us a shout in the comments and let us know who you see taking the crown.

Tagged as: above the law, Aliens, army of darkness, beverly hills cop, bloodsport, cobra, commando, conan the barbarian, death wish, die hard, dirty harry, escape from new york, kickboxer, lethal weapon, lone wolf mcquade, mad max, midnight run, police story, predator, raiders of the lost ark, rambo, red dawn, road house, rocky, rocky iv, running man, scarface, tango & cash, terminator, they live