Culture Blues

The Tournament: Nakatomi Plaza Preview

Last week, we launched an event that will likely shake the internet to its very foundations: The Tournament - 80s Badass Edition. You can catch up on all the rules here. And see the Temple of Doom region here.

Our second region is named after the high rise building in which #1 seed John McClane waged war on a group of terrorists/thieves. While the other high seeds range from soldiers with an expertise in jungle warfare to wasteland drifters to anti-robot freedom fighters, the field is rounded out by many urban combatants whose admiration for McClane is likely only exceeded by their desire to defeat him.

1. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard) vs  16. Jason Dean (Christian Slater, Heathers)

John McClane is relatively unremarkable, except that no matter who you are, no matter your numbers or firepower, no matter what the situation, in the end, McClane will be slouching over your corpse lighting a cigarette, and you’ll be dead. Obviously. McClane’s on-the-fly resourcefulness and ability to absorb mythical amounts of punishment are his most celebrated skills, but his ability to annoy the shit out of adversaries might be equally useful. While McClane is used to battling international criminals, he’s likely never faced someone quite like Jason Dean (J.D. for short). The only competitor in the field who is guaranteed to have a bunch of explosives strapped to his chest, J.D.’s wildcard status and self-destructive tendencies nicely mirror McClane’s own. Still, the suicide-bombing outcast is impossibly outmatched. Keeping it close and using a well timed, mutually destructive detonation to give the winner of the 8-9 matchup a second round bye might be the most he can hope for.

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8. Chong Li (Bolo Yeung, Bloodsport) vs 9. Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren, Rocky IV)

Here are two fierce competitors obsessed with dominating their chosen sports. Chong Li is a master martial artist with a serious mean streak, a huge ego, and an addiction to basking in the chants of the audience. Drago, on the other hand, is a physical freak with the punching power of two lesser professional boxers. He doesn’t compete for abstract concepts like honor or glory or patriotism. He competes only to be the best. The chants of the crowd don't even register. We’d be remiss if we didn’t mention he was a captain in the Red Army and received the Hero of the Soviet Union award. As natural competitors, these two may be even more determined than some of our entrants to reign supreme, and they possess a callous attitude towards the welfare of their opponents that will likely make them feel more at home in this “anything goes” environment than their fellow athletic competitors. Whoever wins this matchup is definitely one to watch as the tournament continues.

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5. Jack Burton (Kurt Russell, Big Trouble in Little China) vs  12. Jack Walsh (Robert De Niro, Midnight Run)

This match pits two reluctant do-gooders against each other. Jack Burton’s trucker background and highly questionable decision-making/general intelligence and common sense have many questioning his high seed. But we’re looking past the fact that he spends the majority of a climactic fight knocked out from rubble caused by his own bullets and trapped under the body of a massive guard he killed, and concentrating on Burton’s ability to lead a group of civilians into battle with mystical Asians and, of course, his reflexes. Jack Walsh, on the other hand is a former cop and current bounty hunter whose strict moral code and general disposition make him incredibly unpopular. Walsh generally proves to be tougher, faster and smarter than his opponents. His resume isn’t nearly as distinguished as some of the competitors, but he has been known to take down helicopters with a pistol and lead police on wild, desert car chases. Their skill sets may be somewhat light, but no one can question the grit, determination or subdued humor of these two hopefuls.

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4. Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton, Terminator) vs  13. Jed Eckert (Patrick Swayze, Red Dawn)

Sarah Connor has only one thing on her mind and that is the survival of the human race. When she’s not busy blowing up corporations and disabling cybernetic killing machines, she’s dedicated to being the best damn single mom that she can (while living off the grid, on the run). That makes her first round draw against Jed Eckert a tough one. When confronted by a teenage freedom fighter, will Connor be able to pull the trigger? Or will she be reminded of her own son (the messiah) and hesitate enough for Eckert to unknowingly alter the course of humanity’s future? Will Connor be able to shotgun her way past her maternal instincts? Or, come fight time, will our healthy Midwest Tea Party readership all be shouting for the Wolverines?

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6. Mr. Joshua (Gary Busey, Lethal Weapon) vs  11. Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith, Robocop)

In a perfect world, this is the sort of pairing that could shake a city like Detroit or Los Angeles down to its very core. One a feared crime boss, the other the best mercenary money can buy. If they’d met under better circumstances, we might see Boddicker merrily burning Joshua’s arm as a demonstration of loyalty. Instead, in a few days, they will try to kill each other. A respected overlord of a feared crime syndicate, Boddicker must feel slighted receiving the lesser seed here to a man who would normally serve as his muscle. However, Boddicker has always gotten by on the strength of his gang and his political connections. How will he fare one-on-one against Mr. Joshua, the former member of Shadow Company (they churn out Rambos, seriously) turned professional killer?

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3. Max Rockatansky (Mel Gibson, Mad Max) vs  14. Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews, Jason Lives: Friday the 13^th Part VI)

“Mad” Max Rockatansky is a wasteland wanderer most comfortable engaged in vehicular combat, but he’s also adept with firearms, crossbows, and booby traps. There are also rumors that he plans to utilize a certain friend's razor sharp boomerang. Having faced the death of his family, the deterioration of society, and marauding S&M gangs, Max (and the public) might be unimpressed by Jarvis’ low level psychosis and history of repeatedly barely escaping the clutches of mass murderer/superhuman/Culture Blues contributor Jason Voorhees. The fact remains that Jarvis has squared off against the hockey mask-sporting god more times than anyone else and is still around to talk about it. Considering Jason’s predilection for killing absolutely everything, this accomplishment unquestionably qualifies Jarvis for this tournament.

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7. Marion Cobretti (Sylvester Stallone, Cobra) vs  10. Jack Cates (Nick Nolte, 48 Hrs.)

Here we have the Battle of the Bay Area as Los Angeles supercop Marion Cobretti takes on grizzled San Franciscan everycop Jack Cates. Cobretti is an elite member of the Los Angeles Zombie Squad, has experience killing bad guys in large groups, and is steely enough to sex up Brigitte Nielsen. Cates, on the other hand, is more of your hard-drinking, short-tempered blue collar cop, more comfortable in bar room brawls than shoot outs, and he’s certainly never dispatched any cells of supremacists. Besides an opponent in Cobretti of singular purpose and utilitarian violence, Cates has to contend with girlfriend problems, lung cancer, and the wise-cracking black convict he’s currently handcuffed to. Can the cagey veteran focus enough to upset the prototypical supercop?

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2. Dutch Schaffer (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Predator) vs 15. Daniel Larusso (Ralph Macchio, The Karate Kid)

Sure, Schaffer was able to outsmart a Predator – pretty much the most feared extraterrestrial killing machine that the universe has to offer. But, has he ever encountered crane style? Well? Has he?!

Will #1 seed and tournament favorite John McClane emerge victorious from Nakatomi yet again? Who will win the two battles of the strikingly similar villains? What's the better McTiernan movie, Predator or Die Hard? Or Last Action Hero? Let us know in the comments section.

Tagged as: 48hrs, big trouble in little china, bloodsport, cobra, die hard, friday the 13th, heathers, karate kid, lethal weapon, mad max, midnight run, predator, red dawn, Robocop, rocky iv, terminator