Culture Blues

The Tournament: An Introduction

Here at Culture Blues, we are dedicated to cultural criticism, social experimentation, philosophy and comic books. But we also have another passion: science. We strive to shine a light on the unknown. To answer the essential questions that have left humanity’s greatest minds stumped and/or locked in ferocious, animal-like debate for centuries.

Our drive, our need to explain the heretofore unexplained all started with a simple question that boils mankind down to its most primal, its most instinctual, its most badass. Six simple words:

“Who would win in a fight?”

In the heady days of Spring 2004, Jeff Hart and Jeremiah White, now co-founders of this fine website, created a single elimination tournament featuring 64 of the deadliest characters in the history of (mostly action) movies. They chose the participants, seeded them, and set up the bracket. They allowed fellow movie and hypothetical fight fans to fill out brackets with their predictions March Madness style. Turnout was meager, but anticipation was high. It was the equivalent of Orville Wright and his twin brother Frank Lloyd Wright’s first attempt at building a flying house. Strange and beautiful, yet largely forgotten.

Six years have passed since that early experimentation and the desire to see imaginary blood spilt in the field of fantasy combat has not waned in either of our editors. Now, armed with a shiny new website that just so happens to be sentient and capable of running detailed virtual combat scenarios, our editors once again intend to find out who is the most badass. They have narrowed their focus to the 80s (the most badass decade of them all). They have selected a field of cops, criminals, assassins, space marines, regular marines, kingpins, prisoners, boxers, martial artists, barbarians, maniacs, delinquent teenagers and more. They have seeded their fighters, prepared the bracket, and devoted their Skynet level resources to running countless simulations. And now, ladies (who are we kidding?) and gentlemen, they present to you…

How does it work?

The field of 64 has been assembled using the following guidelines:
-Competitors must have a feature film appearance in the 80s to be eligible. Once that criterion is met, all films from other decades are considered for evaluation.
-Absolutely no super powers allowed.
-Owning a Millennium Falcon is considered a super power.
-No actor can be represented more than 4 times (The Arnold Rule).
-Characters portrayed by the same actor cannot appear in the same regional.

Fights are contested under the following rules:
-The question being debated is “who would in a fight?”
-Fights are not necessarily to the death.
-Most fights will be to the death.
-There are no preset conditions for location, weaponry, weather, etc. These factors, if considered, are decided on the whim of the judges.
-All winners must be chosen unanimously by the judges. If a decision can absolutely not be reached, the sentient website will break the deadlock.

That’s right – we said judges. This is not some pandering popularity contest like you might find on other entertainment sites. We won’t be handicapping our fighters by tying their fates to the fickle hands of amateur prognosticators who have likely never seen Steel Dawn and probably need to iMDB who Tommy Jarvis is. Our editors, Jeff Hart (qualifications: teen freedom fighter during the Russian invasion of the Midwest, knows what is best in life) and Jeremiah White (qualifications: expert at making fists with toes, youngest ever winner of The Kumite) are the most qualified experts on badassery anywhere on the internet.

That is not meant to discourage participation. Far from it! None of the tournament bouts will be decided in advance and your judges will be tirelessly monitoring the comments section of this website, keeping an eye out for any convincing arguments that might sway their decisions. They are like the Supreme Court, except they sit upon thrones of human bones and launch their rulings from bazookas.

Also, there are prizes. Once the seedings are revealed next week, there will be a nifty bracket to download and send in. If your predictions are more accurate than those of what will likely be thousands of other participants, you could win cool Culture Blues swag and a one shining moment DVD of our Badass Grand Champion (or, more likely, a DVD of your choice from any of the eligible films).

With the rules explained, we are proud to present your top seeds:

“Dirty” Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood, Sudden Impact, etc) – The ultimate renegade cop, Callahan is known as much for his hair trigger temper as his deadly accuracy with a firearm.  While he may lack the quick wit and quip ability of other hero cops in the field, Callahan comes armed with a Magnum so powerful the kickback would shred the deltoids of any mortal man. A rigid upholder of a strict moral code, a stoic killer of wrong-doers, a stone cold badass – it’s time for some capital punishment served street style.

Doctor Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford, Raiders of the Lost Ark, etc) – Perhaps the most scholarly entrant in the tournament, the illustrious Dr. Jones is not your ordinary archaeology professor. Disregarding his skill with a sidearm and bullwhip, Jones is a brilliant improviser, capable of turning nearly any situation to his advantage. He also single-handedly won the Second World War for the allies. It remains to be seen just how much of a factor Short Round will play come tournament time.

John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard, etc) – On the surface, McClane is just another somewhat schlubby, wise-cracking New York City cop. Don’t be deceived. Throughout his professional career, McClane has shown an amazing aptitude for causing mayhem, destruction and ultimately death. He is the self-proclaimed fly in the ointment for a reason. Perhaps McClane’s biggest strength is his ability to survive damn near anything thrown at him – from terrorists to helicopters. Is there anyone capable of defeating Mr. Cowboy? We intend to find out.

John J Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, First Blood, etc) – The poster boy for post traumatic stress syndrome, Rambo is a one man army gone completely off the reservation. A former war hero now entirely unhinged, Rambo is capable of insane amounts of violence. The only thing greater than his tolerance for pain is his disconnect from reality. Used to fighting entire platoons of hardened killers behind enemy lines (or in the suburbs), Rambo should be a force to be reckoned with in 1-on-1 combat, assuming his fragile psyche doesn’t render him a crying ball of easy prey.

Forget top ten lists. Forget democratically decided popularity contests. This is an intellectual venture. An exercise in hypotheticals the world will never be lucky enough to actually witness. Next week, we begin to reveal the brackets in earnest. Clear some space at the top of your Netflix queue because you’re going to want to bring home some action movies. It’s about to get real badass around here.

We’ve unveiled all of the regions. Check them out below, and download a bracket you can fill out and send in for a chance to win prizes on the Golden Gate preview page.

Golden Gate Preview

Temple of Doom Preview

Nakatomi Plaza Preview

Hope Outskirts Preview

The first day of results will be revealed on Tuesday, March 16th. Join us then.

Tagged as: 80s badass, die hard, dirty harry, indiana jones, rambo, The Tournament