The Tournament: Golden Gate Preview
Last week, we launched an event that will likely shake the internet to its very foundations: The Tournament - 80s Badass Edition. You can catch up on all the rules here. We’ve already unveiled three of the regions: Temple of Doom, Nakatomi Plaza, and Hope Outskirts. Today, we reveal the final sixteen combatants and open the full bracket up for your participation.
Download it at the bottom of the page!
Our final region is the home turf of the iconic “Dirty” Harry Callahan. However, each of the top 4 seeds in this bracket anchor a franchise of their own, each ready to give Callahan a run for his money. With nearly half this region comprised of hero cops, it’s likely one of them will advance to the Final Four. Will it be Callahan? Or does someone else want a shot at the title?
1. Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry) vs 16. Scott Turner (Tom Hanks, Turner & Hooch)
Scott Turner seems like a really nice guy. He’s a hero cop in his own special way. He’s got a really awesome dog that he slowly learns how to love. But he’s the kind of limp-dicked milquetoast cop that Harry Callahan can’t stand to be around. Think about it: would Harry ever think to use a fucking dog as a witness? No! Because Harry Callahan doesn’t need any god damn witnesses. Turner can’t possibly match Callahan’s skill with a service weapon, and he’s probably never been suspended for 60 days – make it 90! – make it 180! The only thing Turner has going for him is that he’s a good cop, so maybe Harry will be gentle. Thinking about it now, maybe Hooch would’ve made a better first round opponent – him and Callahan share a lot of the same qualities.
8. Kurt Sloane (Jean Claude Van Damme, Kickboxer) vs 9. Raymond Tango (Sylvester Stallone, Tango & Cash)
Like his partner Gabe Cash, Ray Tango has the misfortune of drawing an expert martial artist in the first round. Give him a tough-as-nails henchman or a crime kingpin and Tango would be right at home. But Kurt Sloane is a muay thai kickboxing expert and a really, really good dancer. Similarly, Sloane has the misfortune of drawing someone who will probably not put up with him crying for a while, then slapping on a loin cloth, letting out a primal scream and throwing a bunch of elbows and knees. One thing is certain, there isn't a more well dressed pair on the circuit as both possess an impeccable fashion sense.
5. James Braddock (Chuck Norris, Missing in Action) vs 12. Axl Foley (Eddie Murphy, Beverly Hills Cop)
Everyone is always underestimating poor Axl Foley. Maybe it's his broad smile, or his jovial nature, or his unimposing physique. Regardless, Foley has been surviving in Detroit his entire life and he has no problem judo tossing those who threaten him. In contests like this, he's even been known to trick opponents into lowering their guard with his terrific sense of humor. Braddock is sure to be another to underestimate Foley, but that might not matter. See, Braddock likes entering hostile territory with the flimsiest reasons and the most nonexistent intelligence, and proceeding to cause major international incidents that involve huge machine guns. Attempts at humor will be completely lost on this shell-shocked soldier.
4. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Aliens) vs 13. Anne Lewis (Nancy Allen, Robocop)
Ellen Ripley is the clear favorite here. She earned her combat stripes the hard way; facing off against Space Marine eating aliens again and again. Her resolve and massive balls are beyond question. But Anne Lewis is no cupcake. She's a veteran future Detroit police officer (an accomplishment all its own when you consider the alarming regularity with which they are killed in the line of duty), and when soon-to-be cybernetic supercop Alex Murphy showed up, she was worried she'd have to babysit him. Imagine that. Lewis faces an uphill battle. She knows that. She's been doing it for years. Only problem is, Ripley’s been staring down the worst the universe has to offer for decades. And she hasn't blinked once.
6. Nada (Roddy Piper, They Live) vs 11. Matthew Sykes (James Caan, Alien Nation)
Here’s an interesting first round matchup between two dudes that really, really hate aliens. Nada is a wise-cracking drifter, great in hand-to-hand combat, solid at improvisation and gunplay, with an inhuman ability to take a beating. Sykes is a cagey veteran with a slew of dirty tricks, and a proven ability to survive bullets capable of punching through cars. The real comparison comes in the kind of slags they’ve killed. Nada’s killed dozens, but they weren’t any more powerful than your average human. Sykes, on the other hand, has only killed a few, but they were all juiced up super-aliens. A true case of quantity versus quality.
3. Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell, Escape From New York) vs 14. Pete Mitchell (Tom Cruise, Top Gun)
This ain’t beach volleyball, bitch. Perhaps if this battle was taking place in the skies, Pete “Maverick” Mitchell might have more of a chance. Even in that case, Plissken has proven himself capable of pulling some slick maneuvers with a one-man stealth drone (he doesn’t even need Goose). The spoiled military brat, Mitchell just doesn’t have the resume of Plissken. Snake is an alpha male, a true survivalist, a former rescuer of the president. Also, he wears an eye patch. While Mitchell comes into this match with his usual swagger, one has to wonder if he isn’t on the highway to the danger zone. Yeah, we went there. Hold on, we want to do another. Maybe Mitchell would be better off playing with the boys. Ah yeah, that’s the stuff.
7. Red Sonja (Brigitte Nielsen, Red Sonja) vs 10. Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Running Man)
Red Sonja’s skill with a blade is legendary, as is her hatred for all things with a penis. Her refusal to lie with a man unless he can best her in a swordfight won’t be tested by Ben Richards. The Butcher of Bakersfield has never picked up a sword, although he could probably kill a futuristic gladiator with one if the need arose. Richards is a great soldier and a master of killing with whatever comes to hand. He's also used to participating in contests similar to this tournament. However, if he can’t keep his distance from Sonja, it’s likely that the medieval femme fatale will carve him up faster than Buzzsaw did Yaphet Kotto.
2. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon) vs 15. Johnny Kelly (Michael Keaton, Johnny Dangerously)
How appropriate that the Three Stooges superfan and the human cartoon meet in the first round. If he were sitting on his couch (bed) with a beer and a fine lady, Riggs would most definitely find Johnny Kelly (aka Johnny Dangerously) amusing, what with his harmless crime antics and all. But Riggs isn't on his couch. He's out killing people, the only thing he was ever good at. Dangerously appears to be just another schlub looking for a shot at the title. We won’t totally count out a man who calls in biplane air strikes, but we’re also not expecting any surprises here.
With the entire bracket revealed, who did we miss? What is your final four? Arnold Schwarzenegger and Kurt Russell both maxed out with four characters – who has the better shot at taking it all? The first round begins next week!
HOW TO PARTICIPATE:
1) Download the bracket by clicking here: Official Badass Bracket.
2) Use the drop downs to fill out your bracket.
3) Save it.
4) E-mail it to us at tournament@cultureblues.com
5) Win prizes! We’ll be taking brackets up until the first results article on Tuesday.
6) Scoring: 1st round = 1 point, 2nd round = 2, Sweet 16 = 4 , Elite 8 = 8 , Final Four = 10, champion = 15.
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I would've gone with Hooch at #16 instead of Turner.
Clearly, Daniel Larusso brings his A-game when it comes to tournaments. As does Frank Dux. Just keep that in mind as you do these brackets. Some guys who are more accustomed to street fighting or jungle combat might get butterflies when set into the structure and confines of a tournament.