Culture Blues

The Tournament: Final Four and Championship

It all comes down to this. Only four competitors remain in Culture Blues' Biggest 80s Badass Tournament. If you're just joining us now, don't spoil the excitement for yourself. Get caught up on all the pulse-pounding action over at Tournament Central. With that said, lets bring this fortnight long action geek orgy to a viscera spraying climax!

* * *

THE FINAL FOUR

* * *

4. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Aliens) vs 2. John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando)

John Matrix walked onto the field of combat a confident man, fully expecting to dominate the feisty firecracker Ellen Ripley, perhaps not taking her seriously due to her relative lack of weaponry and the fact that she only fights when her life is in danger. And then Ripley stepped into the arena in a power loader exosuit. Using the large arms of the power loader, Ripley blocked Matrix’s gunshots as she got in close, and for the first time in this tournament, possibly ever, John Matrix found himself physically weaker than his opponent. Ripley knocked Matrix about, as the commando became disoriented and frustrated. Exhausting his ammunition, Matrix disabled one of the loader’s claws and managed to put a few bullets in Ripley herself. Sensing that she needed to finish the fight quickly, before Matrix further exploited her suit’s lack of armor and proper weapons, Ripley grabbed Matrix in her good claw and started to crush his body, with his last bit of energy, Matrix said, “Let me give you a hand” and pried the claw apart, ripped it from the suit and beat Ripley’s head in with it.

WINNER: John Matrix, via the ability to manhandle vehicles

2. Dutch Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Predator) vs 1. John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo: First Blood)

Of course, it had to happen in the jungle. Two masters of the terrain, this fight began with Rambo and Dutch both assuming familiar roles: Dutch as prey, Rambo as predator. Dutch, covered in mud despite Rambo’s lack of heat vision, was put on the defensive early, with Rambo stalking him from the treetops and letting loose a volley of arrow fire that would wound and disarm Dutch. However, a wounded Dutch only becomes cagier. Sensing victory, Rambo moved to automatic weapons in an attempt to finish Dutch off. Knowing his only recourse was to outsmart Rambo, Dutch, a master of the strategic retreat, led Rambo on a wild chase through the jungle, gunfire at his heels. The chase ended when Dutch triggered his log battering ram booby trap, nearly crushing Rambo, and smashing his trusty AKM. Seeing his opening, Dutch jumped on Rambo, attempting to crush the top seed’s mullet’d skull with a handy jungle rock. However, before he could bring down the finishing blow, Dutch found Rambo’s hunting knife plunged hilt deep into his leg. The game of cat-and-mouse at an end, Dutch shouted “Here I am! Kill me!” hoping to lure one more predator into a false sense of security, attempting to buy himself some time to hatch a new plan. However, unlike some pompous space alien, Rambo did not hesitate to collect his trophy.

WINNER:  John J Rambo, via not being able to turn it off and on again

As The Tournament is whittled down to its final two competitors, so does our prediction contest come down to only two. Going into the final match, we still find the masterful Zook atop our Leader Board, but close on his heels is the cunning Matt C, who has been in the Top 5 the entire way. They were the only two readers prescient enough to correctly pick the finals. One has Rambo winning it all, the other John Matrix. With the Championship worth 15 points, a sloppily packed UPS package of Culture Blues swag hangs in the balance!

LEADER BOARD GOING INTO THE FINALS
Zook (Rambo, Matrix, Dutch, Ripley) – 122 Pts
Matt C (Matrix, Rambo, Dutch, Plissken) – 114 Pts

But before we get to the Finals, let’s take a look at how our two competitors got here:

Rambo easily dismissed his first opponent, the number 16 seed Jack Torrance, with a well-placed arrow, establishing early his expertise with weapons beyond the standard fists, firearms and knives. Next, Rambo used his sizable hunting knife to take down Gabe Cash, again proving that while he does carry a huge machine gun, he’s just as comfortable with silent kills. In the Sweet 16, Rambo faced his first true test. Battling futuristic guerrilla fighter Kyle Reese, Rambo displayed resourcefulness as he distracted and then surprised Reese on his way to another arrow-tipped victory. In the Elite 8, Rambo handled number 2 seed Conan the Barbarian with ease. Rambo seemed to be getting better as the tournament went on, as he wandered further into the gnarled maze of his ‘Nam flashbacks, becoming the first man to kill an opponent twice… in the same round. And, as we just saw, in the Final 4, Rambo was able to overcome the ever capable and resourceful Dutch Schaefer, by tapping into the soldier’s ultimate weapon, the steadfast belief that this is war, not sport.

In the first round, Matrix gunned down the aging karate instructor Mr. Miyagi without even breaking a sweat, proving to all that he’d be happy to rely on superior firepower for as long as he could. In the Second Round he did not hesitate to put his “Might is Right” attitude to use again by trumping Tony Montana’s grenade launcher with a missile launcher. Matrix was finally forced to fight an opponent on even footing in the Sweet 16. The world’s greatest cooler, Dalton, gave Matrix an honest fight, but in the end Matrix prevailed even in Dalton’s specialty, unarmed combat. Returning to his “bull in a china shop” methods, Matrix simply overpowered Chan Ka Kui by throwing phone booths around like they were empty trashcans. And in the Final 4, when finally faced with an opponent of just as an imposing stature as his own, a machine, Matrix was able to use a potent cocktail of quip, wit and brute force to overthrow the alien killer, Ellen Ripley.

There you have it, Rambo used his expansive skill set and forced his opponents to fight on his own terms to get this far. Matrix, on the other hand, simply relied on the fact that he is more well armed and stronger than everyone else in the tournament. They’ve used different tactics, but they’ve arrived at the same place. Now, let’s see who has what it takes to win The Tournament: 80s Badass Edition.

* * *

THE CHAMPIONSHIP

* * *

1. John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo: First Blood) vs 2. John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando)

Bullets. Lots and lots of bullets. The final battle began with an unprecedented display of gunfire, with both competitors exhausting multiple belts of ammo. As the exchange went on, Rambo found himself bloodied by multiple grazing shots. Yet, a look across the battlefield revealed a grinning John Matrix, completely untouched. Never had Rambo encountered a foe whose immunity to gunfire surpassed his own. Rambo fell back on stealth tactics, out-flanking Matrix to make a break for the truck mounted .50 Cal Machine gun. Desperate to close the distance on Matrix, the veteran dropped a brick on the gas and climbed into the bed, careening at Matrix while spraying him with bullets almost too huge to miss. Unfortunately, miss they did. Matrix, as is his way, stood his ground as certain vehicular slaughter bore down on him. Casually, he produced his rocket launcher and, thanks to Rae Dawn Chong’s earlier demonstration knew better than to fire that fucker backward. The rocket exploded under Rambo’s truck, sending him in a flaming skyward arc right into Matrix. Knife drawn, Rambo slashed Matrix across the chest, finally drawing first blood on his seemingly invincible opponent. Matrix, knowing a knife fight would not be to his advantage, attempted to use his superior strength to power Rambo into a nearby electrical fence. Rambo, knowing certain death waited only yards over his shoulder, plunged his knife down again. And again. And again. Until, ice cream cones with Alyssa Milano flashing before his eyes, Matrix finally fell.

WINNER, AND CHAMPION:  John J Rambo, via multiple stab wounds

That’s it, folks! John J Rambo has overcome his personal demons, a psycho, a super cop, a time traveling robot slayer, and three variations of the Arnold Schwarzenegger archetype to be crowned Culture Blues’ Biggest 80s Badass. It’s over!

After the final fight, Rambo had this to say:  “Nothing is over! Nothing!” He then curled up in the fetal position while Colonel Trautman gently stroked his hair. You are truly the last of an elite group, Johnny.

Thank you all for reading and participating. We leave you with the final Leader Board.

LEADER BOARD:
CHAMPION: Zook (Rambo, Matrix, Dutch, Ripley) – 137 Pts
Matt C (Matrix, Rambo, Dutch, Plissken) – 114 Pts
Will S (Rambo, Dalton, Dutch, Riggs) – 106 Pts
Pete S (Rambo, Callahan, Matrix, McClane)- 100
Giovanny C (Conan, Ripley, McClane, Matrix) – 94 Pts
THE BILLY PELTZER INEPTITUDE AWARD:  Jon M (Madmartigan, Vasquez, Boddicker, Plissken) – 31 Pts

Your medals and commemorative plaques are in the mail.