Culture Blues

The Tournament: Elite Eight

The Regional Finals of the 80s Badass Tournament are upon us! Just in case you missed today’s earlier Sweet Sixteen post, you can find that by clicking here. And if you’re just joining us now, catch up on all that’s transpired over at Tournament Central. If you’re ready, join spoiler buffer Alex Grady in cheering on our remaining competitors. Only four can emerge into The Tournament’s final round! Who will it be?

 

 

* * *

THE REGIONAL FINALS

* * *

2. John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando) vs 4. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Police Story, etc)

In the interest of playing to the strengths of both competitors, this match-up was held in a crowded shopping center. Well-armed, but not the kind of guy to open fire into a group of people, Matrix was forced to change his strategy of unloading his ample arsenal in favor of actually trying to get his big mitts around the throat of the slippery Chan. It was a strategy that hadn’t worked for Chan’s past opponents, and Chan was able to pepper the clumsy Matrix with a smattering of blows while simultaneously executing a variety of stunts such as escalator surfing, chandelier diving, and truck jumping (why was there a truck in the mall? we don’t know!). As Chan’s escapes became more and more narrow and he found himself doing only limited damage to the burly Matrix with his bare hands, the Hong Kong super cop realized it was time to transition the battle to the nearby fireworks factory. However, before that could happen, in a display of near impossible strength Matrix launched a phone booth Donkey Kong style at Chan, pinning the smaller competitor. Trapped, Chan launched into one of his monologues on how Matrix could better service society through helping others. Not understanding Chinese, Matrix shot him.

WINNER:  John Matrix, via killer instinct and language barrier

---

1. John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo: First Blood) vs 2. Conan the Cimmerian (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Conan the Barbarian)

Granted, Conan was exposed to some modern weaponry in the Second Round when he ran up against Ash and his boomstick, but he has never seen anything quite to the extreme of what Rambo is packing. Believing that a fellow dirty shirtless guy would engage in honorable gladiatorial combat, Conan charged in with sword drawn only to be immediately cut down by a hail of machine gun fire. Yet Conan has confronted death before. Tree of Woe, anybody? Valeria and Subotai collected Conan’s mortally wounded body in time to bring him back to Akiro, who was able to wrap Conan in a sheet and bombard his body with creepy-ass old school CGI ghosts until his health was restored. Back to full strength and body-painted, Conan mounted a second offensive on Rambo, this time choosing a stealthier approach. While Conan found the infiltration of the Mountain of Power relatively easy, sneaking up on Rambo is a bit more difficult than getting the drop on an orgy-tired snake cultist. Rambo heard Conan coming, waited for The Barbarian to show himself, and promptly shot him down for a second time.

WINNER:  John J Rambo, via dark deal with the God of Mounds

---

4. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Aliens) vs 2. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon)

With a methodical victory over Snake Plissken, Riggs quieted critics who believed he was too close to the edge to maintain focus. Concerns resurfaced, however, when Riggs first laid eyes on his Elite Eight opponent. Haunted by the ghosts of Victoria Lynn and Rika van den Haas and stricken with guilt over the piles and piles of bodies Riggs himself has sent to the afterlife, the cop charged into the battle with utter disregard for personal safety. Ripley, sensing that she was once again fighting an opponent of a feral and unreasonable mind, lured Riggs to a platform overlooking a pit of molten metal. Before she was able to spring her trap though, Riggs locked her in his deadly head scissors. Coolly rationalizing that she could rid the world of a mass murderer, Ripley flung her body over the edge of the platform, barely maintaining her grip and risking her own life. Distraught at the prospect of being responsible for the death of another woman, Riggs barely put up a fight as his legs slipped from around her neck and he plummeted to certain death below. Ripley pulled herself back onto the platform, and into the Final Four.

WINNER: Ellen Ripley, via risking it all

---

1. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard) vs 2. Dutch Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Predator)

No. 1 seed and tournament favorite John McClane has had favorable match ups the whole way, but he’s also absorbed an extreme amount of punishment. Yet no one knows better than Dutch that sometimes a mortally wounded opponent is the most dangerous kind. Short on ammo and patience, McClane baited the soldier out of hiding with an opening volley of insults. The mud and soot covered combatants tangled and as McClane absorbed blows from the physically superior soldier, commentators recalled McClane’s Round 2 victory over Ivan Drago. In the grips of Dutch and sensing the moment was right, McClane grabbed the gun in his shoulder holster and prepared to fire it into Dutch’s chest. Dutch, a crafty opponent himself, wrapped his hands around McClane’s and repositioned the gun’s barrel squarely over McClane’s heart. McClane’s fatigue finally got the best of him as Dutch forced his own finger to pull the trigger.

WINNER: Dutch Schaefer, via turning McClane’s gambit back on himself

***

That gives us the following Final Four:

2. John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando) vs 4. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Aliens)

2. Dutch Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Predator) vs 1. John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo: First Blood)

Impressively, only one of you had the action movie acumen necessary to perfectly predict the Final Four. That man is Zook, and thanks to his flawless Elite Eight performance, he now sits on top of our Leader Board.

THE PENULTIMATE LEADER BOARD
Zook (Rambo, Matrix, Dutch, Ripley) – 102 Pts
Matt C (Matrix, Rambo, Dutch, Plissken) – 94 Pts
Giovanny C (Conan, Ripley, McClane, Matrix) – 94 Pts
Ben V (Dutch, Chan, Rambo, Plissken) – 92 Pts
Laurie (Dutch, Ripley, Matrix, Conan) – 88 Pts
Brian J (Dutch, Harry, Rambo, Matrix) – 84 Pts
Will S (Rambo, Dalton, Dutch, Riggs) – 81 Pts

We’d like to congratulate one of our 10 female readers for cracking the Leader Board! You show ‘em, sister.

With only 3 matches left in The Tournament, anticipation is high. In the battle of the jungle warriors, will Dutch have the savvy necessary to take down the one man war machine and only remaining #1 seed Rambo? Have John Matrix and his mighty arsenal finally met their equal in the underdog Ripley? Who will meet in the championship? Who will be declared the Undisputed Biggest 80s Badass? We want to hear from you in the comments!

We'll be back on Thursday with the explosive finale.

Tagged as: Aliens, commando, conan the barbarian, die hard, lethal weapon, police story, predator, rambo