Culture Blues

The Tournament: 1st Round, Part 2

The Tournament rages on. Yesterday, we revealed the First Round winners in the Nakatomi Plaza and Hope Outskirts regions. Today, we close it out with the Golden Gate and Temple of Doom regions. Check the results and then dig into some stat breakdowns and see if you were good enough to make the leaderboard!

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Golden Gate Round 1

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2. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon) vs 15. Johnny Kelly (Michael Keaton, Johnny Dangerously)

The only hope Kelly had was for Riggs to succumb to yet another bout of suicidal depression. He didn’t. He hid 400 yards away and took his time setting up.

WINNER: Martin Riggs, via a single sniper shot

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1. Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry) vs 16. Scott Turner (Tom Hanks, Turner & Hooch)

This one began with an awkward exchange of pleasantries, followed by the two cops discovering some common ground while complaining about the police department bureaucracy. Of course, this segued into Callahan’s tale about the time he gunned down those five young cops who tried to form a secret society within the department. Noticeably pale, Turner excused himself to go clean up his slobber covered apartment.

WINNER:  Harry Callahan, via intimidation

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4. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Aliens) vs 13. Anne Lewis (Nancy Allen, Robocop)

If she’d been born a century or two later, Anne Lewis would likely be too awestruck by the presence of the legendary Ripley to even bother competing. Her ignorance served her well as she engaged Ripley in a game of cat and mouse. Unfortunately, Lewis was the mouse, and the cat was packing a flamethrower.

WINNER: Ellen Ripley, via baptism by fire

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8. Kurt Sloane (Jean Claude Van Damme, Kickboxer) vs 9. Raymond Tango (Sylvester Stallone, Tango & Cash)

Ray Tango was once quoted as saying that “Rambo’s a pussy.” It’s likely due to that sort of arrogance that the preening hero cop abandoned what could have been a one-sided gun battle to go toe-to-toe with the kickboxing legend Sloane. Tango might know a few steps, but he’s no match for Kurt’s smooth moves.

WINNER:  Kurt Sloane, via footwork

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5. James Braddock (Chuck Norris, Missing in Action) vs 12. Axl Foley (Eddie Murphy, Beverly Hills Cop)

Despite the fact that he had just been introduced as “his opponent, the no. 12 seed from Detroit, Michigan, United States… Axl Foley,” Foley was able, in a virtuoso display of misdirection, to convince Braddock that he was actually a high level government official and that there were emaciated POWs that required rescuing right behind him. Braddock, eager to help his abandoned countrymen, turned to search for them, only to have Foley shoot him in the back. The match ended as Foley’s trademark guffaw took on a haunting quality given the grim circumstances.

WINNER: Axl Foley, via the lasting detrimental effects of an armed jungle conflict

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6. Nada (Roddy Piper, They Live) vs 11. Matthew Sykes (James Caan, Alien Nation)

Animosity was high for this first round fight. Earlier in the week, Nada declared that Sykes was an alien collaborator and a formaldehyde face. In his response, the cagey veteran and former bigot Sykes guaranteed victory over the derelict cop-killer. When they finally came face-to-face, a great deal of ammo was exchanged with both Nada and Sykes unloading their shotgun and scope-sidearm respectively. Having both survived the shootout with only minor wounds, Nada and Sykes closed for a violent hand-to-hand brawl. The donnybrook, which set a new Tournament record for ball-punching, would eventually see Nada emerge bruised but victorious. Post-fight, Nada put a bullet in alien Mandy Patinkin’s face on general principle.

WINNER:  Nada, via smashing dude’s face repeatedly into the side of a dumpster

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7. Red Sonja (Brigitte Nielsen, Red Sonja) vs 10. Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Running Man)

In Red Sonja we have a warrior woman that’s never been bested in a fair fight. Unfortunately for her, Ben Richards doesn’t fight fair. To Richards, the flame-haired, golden armored Sonja is just another flamboyantly costumed Hunter. With a track record of taking down better equipped foes (Sub-Zero had a bladed goalie stick, for Christ’s sake) with only his bare hands, Richards was able to disarm Sonja and run her through, thus pulling off the minor upset.

WINNER: Ben Richards, via cheating

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3. Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell, Escape From New York) vs 14. Pete Mitchell (Tom Cruise, Top Gun)

Onlookers were shocked when Snake agreed to Maverick’s request to settle their battle over a game of beach volleyball. While Mitchell busied himself with setting up the net, Plissken shot him.

WINNER:  Snake Plissken, via not being an Air Force pussy

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Temple of Doom Round 1

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1. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford, Raiders of the Lost Ark, etc) vs 16. Billy Peltzer (Zach Galligan, Gremlins)

Billy Peltzer performed admirably in the face of the Gremlin onslaught, but Dr. Jones wouldn’t even flinch at the appearance of a bunch of cheery, mayhem causing, three foot tall monsters. Capable of holding his own against giant Nazis in unarmed combat, Indy didn’t even need his trusty whip or sidearm for this one.

WINNER: Indiana Jones, via good old fashioned fisticuffs

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3. Dalton (Patrick Swayze, Road House) vs 14. Steve (Clancy Brown, Shoot to Kill)

Steve is exactly the kind of psychopath that Dalton is used to tangling with. Without the benefit of Kristie Alley as a hostage, Steve is forced to handle this one straight up, and while he might excel at tossing an unsuspecting average joe (or five) off the side of a cliff, Steve has never encountered anyone with the same level of hand-to-hand expertise as Dalton. The burly Steve is quickly disarmed and throat punched, leaving pundits to remark how primed Dalton looks for a run at the Final Four.

WINNER:  Dalton, via pain not hurting

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2. John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando) vs 15. Kesuke Miyagi (Pat Morita, The Karate Kid)

Wax on, wax off, right? That’s some real Zen shit. You know what else is Zen? Standing shirtless in a courtyard, unloading your AK-47 at a small private army who, despite your only cover being a few rose bushes, just can’t seem to hit you. Now that’s Zen.

WINNER:  John Matrix, via invulnerability

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8. Nico Toscani (Steven Seagal, Above the Law) vs 9. William H. Bonney (Emilio Estevez, Young Guns)

Toscani used suppressing fire to force Bonney into a defensive position, neutralizing his terrific aim. Bonney responded by hurriedly unloading his six-shooter, connecting with two glancing shots. A wounded but still aggressive Toscani moved in, forcing Bonney to go on the offensive. His ill advised hand to hand attack gave Toscani the perfect opening to break his arm, neck, and face.

WINNER: Nico Toscani, via Steven Seagal-itsu

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5. Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone, Rocky, etc) vs 12. Alex Grady (Eric Roberts, Best of the Best)

Rocky Balboa and Alex Grady put on a display of athleticism, dignity and guts unlike anything this tournament has seen so far. A passionate but respectful battle, Grady kept the boxer at bay early on with a combination of kicks and bizarre fighting poses. As the fight continued, it became clear that Grady’s strikes, while landing flush and dazing Balboa, were having little lasting effect. Ultimately, Balboa was able to outlast Grady and, in the 20^th round, unleashed a barrage of punches that completely incapacitated the taekwondo hero, and left the Philadelphia brawler mumbling incoherently.

WINNER: Rocky Balboa, via the indomitable spirit of the underdog

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7. Tony Montana (Al Pacino, Scarface) vs 10. Private Vasquez (Jenette Goldstein, Aliens)

Early attempts by Montana to woo the burly Space Marine looked promising as a smile cracked through her gruff exterior. Realizing she was losing focus, Vasquez lifted the barrel of her M56 and started spraying the scene. This set off a dangerous pissing contest in which the two combatants pretty much stood there shooting at each other. Montana’s state of the art bulletproof vest and abundance of grenades (Vasquez’s mortal weakness) prove to be the difference as the Cuban drug kingpin gets his girl in the end.

WINNER: Tony Montana, via having a bigger pen… err… gun.

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4. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Police Story, etc) vs 13. R.J. MacReady (Kurt Russell, The Thing)

All MacReady wanted to do was administer a blood test. Of course, language barrier being what it is, and considering MacReady was covered in dynamite and waving around a homemade flamethrower, Chan felt understandably threatened. After a brisk battle that saw Chan dive through a plate glass window and slide under a moving car, MacReady was easily dismantled and Chan was left to brush the crushed glass out of his hair.

WINNER:  Chan Ka Kui, via unnecessary stuntwork

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6. Elliot Ness (Kevin Costner, The Untouchables) vs 11. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman, Die Hard)

Elliot Ness runs headlong into situations that put himself, his family and innocent bystanders in harm’s way, not to mention the criminals he guns down. Remember that time he let the carriage go bouncing down the stairs so he could whip a shotgun out of his coat and start a firefight in the middle of Grand Central, to the horror of the baby’s mother (see above)? It’s that kind of impulsive and predictable behavior that Hans Gruber loves to exploit. Gruber’s intelligence and ability to craft a plan are perhaps only surpassed by his ego and flair for the dramatic. Ness isn’t nearly clever enough to see through the self-proclaimed exceptional thief’s ruse. Gruber gets lost from the opening bell and waits for Ness to work himself into a blind rage before stepping into the lights, and having someone else gun him down.

WINNER: Hans Gruber, via superior intelligence

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That leaves us with the following matches for the Second Round:

Golden Gate Round 2

1. Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry) vs 8. Kurt Sloane (Jean Claude Van Damme, Kickboxer)

4. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Aliens) vs 12. Axl Foley (Eddie Murphy, Beverly Hills Cop)

3. Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell, Escape From New York) vs 6. Nada (Roddy Piper, They Live)

2. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon) vs 10. Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Running Man)

Temple of Doom Round 2

1. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford, Raiders of the Lost Ark, etc) vs 8. Nico Toscani (Steven Seagal, Above the Law)

4. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Police Story, etc) vs 5. Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone, Rocky, etc)

3. Dalton (Patrick Swayze, Road House) vs 11. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman, Die Hard)

2. John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando) vs 7. Tony Montana (Al Pacino, Scarface)

What an exciting first round! Ready for some statistics?

We received an extremely diverse sampling of brackets. Thirty-two different characters made it into at least one Final Four. The most popular choices based on how often they appeared in all Final Fours:

John Rambo – 53%
John Matrix – 37%
Snake Plissken – 37%
Dutch Schaefer – 34%
John McClane – 25%

As for eventual champions, there were 14 different characters with at least one vote of confidence. That includes Sarah Connor, Chong Li, and Madmartigan (seriously) who are all already eliminated. The most popular choices for champion:

John Rambo – 18%
John Matrix – 12%
Conan the Barbarian – 9%

In the first round, there were 7 upsets. Some were more predictable than others. For instance, 59% of you anticipated Hans Gruber outsmarting Eliot Ness, and 56% of you knew Ivan Drago would out punch Chong Li. On the other hand, only 19% of you predicted Sarah Connor being overwhelmed by Wolverines, and an even more exclusive 13% of you were able to identify Jack Burton as the colossal fuck-up that he is.

The only two characters not to receive a single vote to advance were Jason Dean and Scott Turner. That’s right – someone voted for Billy Peltzer.

Finally, how did your brackets score? The average score was around 22 points, so if you did better than that you should pat yourself on the back. You’re still alive! You know who isn’t?

LOW SCORE:
Jon M (Madmartigan, Vasquez, Boddicker, Plissken) – 17 Pts

HIGH SCORES:
Will S (Rambo, Dalton, Dutch, Riggs) – 29 Pts
Matt C (Matrix, Rambo, Dutch, Plissken) – 28 Pts
Ben V (Dutch, Chan, Rambo, Plissken) – 28 Pts
Joe O (Plissken, Rambo, Indy, Connor) – 28 Pts
Alex T (Indy, Dutch, Rambo, Plissken) – 27 Pts

Congratulations to Will for squeaking out a small lead with an extremely impressive first round. Can he hold on through the 2^nd round? We’ll find out Friday!

Tagged as: above the law, alien nation, Aliens, best of the best, beverly hills cop, commando, die hard, dirty harry, escape from new york, gremlins, indiana jones, johnny dangerously, karate kid, kickboxer, lethal weapon, missing in action, police story, red sonja, road house, Robocop, rocky, running man, scarface, shoot to kill, tango & cash, the thing, the untouchables, they live, top gun, turner & hooch, young guns