Culture Blues

The Tournament: 1st Round, Part 1

The time for talking, and prognosticating and debating is over. The time for punching, kicking, shooting, beating and beheading is upon us. Today, we kick off The Tournament: 80s Badass Edition with the First Round results from the Hope Outskirts and Nakatomi Plaza regions. Tomorrow, we will finish off the First Round with results from the Temple of Doom and Golden Gate.

Let the battle begin!

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HOPE OUTSKIRTS ROUND 1

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2. Conan the Cimmerian (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Conan the Barbarian) vs 15. Madmartigan (Val Kilmer, Willow)

With Conan clearly drunk going into the first round match-up, the wily Madmartigan had an opportunity to develop a cohesive strategy before attempting to unseat the heavy favorite. Madmartigan’s first course of action was to launch himself at The Barbarian via catapult. Despite overshooting his target, Madmartigan was not seriously hurt. Plan B, as always, was cross-dressing. The subterfuge was enough to get the drop on Conan, but the lesser swordsman was easily turned away by Conan’s vastly superior power.

WINNER:  Conan the Barbarian, via apathetic beheading

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5. Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn, The Terminator) vs 12. Nomad (Patrick Swayze, Steel Dawn)

While he might be from a post-apocalyptic future only slightly less scary than Kyle Reese’s, Nomad has little to no experience around firearms. Also working against Nomad is his soldier’s code of honor, something which the pragmatic Reese has zero interest in abiding by. We’re talking about a guy trying to save humanity here, people, not protect a fucking wind farm. If this had gotten to hand-to-hand, Nomad might have had a chance. But Reese never lets him get that close.

WINNER:  Kyle Reese, via shotgun

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1. John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo: First Blood) vs 16. Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson, The Shining)

The real question here isn’t whether or not Jack Torrance gets taken out. It’s what gets him first. Does Rambo stalk the axe wielding maniac and bring him down with a well-placed arrow to the jugular? Or does Torrance off himself in an attempt to redeem himself for all that poltergeist fueled child abuse? Regardless, there’s a dead body in the woods, and it ain’t Rambo.

WINNER:  John J Rambo, via ghost arrow

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8. Tommy Lee (Phillip Rhee, Best of the Best) vs 9. Gabe Cash (Kurt Russell, Tango & Cash)

In a hand to hand fight Tommy Lee’s martial arts expertise would nicely counter Gabe Cash’s wildcard brawler style. Unfortunately, Cash showed up in that damned SUV with a mounted Gatling gun. The peaceful Lee never stood a chance.

WINNER: Gabe Cash, via vehicular machine gun fire

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4. J.J. McQuade (Chuck Norris, Lone Wolf McQuade) vs 13. Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover, Lethal Weapon)

By the time Murtaugh pulled his old fashioned service revolver and McQuade countered with an uzi, this one was already academic. McQuade lives to look for fights and kick ass. His ability to easily dispose of a proven cop like Murtaugh speaks well of his chances here, but he still has to do more to prove he’s ready to hang with the top seeds.

WINNER: J.J. “Lone Wolf” McQuade, via uzi

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6. Frank Dux (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bloodsport) vs 11. Jonathan Cabot (Kurt Thomas, Gymkata)

This bout will be conducted under Parmistan rules. What does that mean? First, there is a rubber tire obstacle course leading to a lengthy rope climb. That is followed by pommel horse, another rope climb, the zip line, Gyrosphere, and finally balance beam. If both competitors are able to survive those harrowing trials, the bout will be decided via hand-to-hand combat. So…

WINNER:  Frank Dux, via knock out

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3. Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson, Death Wish) vs 14. Mick O'Brien (Sean Penn, Bad Boys)

Mick O’Brien is unlike the punks that Paul Kersey is used to gunning down in one important aspect, he’s not completely gone yet. He’s maintained the slimmest bit of humanity. He wouldn’t barge into Kersey’s house and rape and maim his women (we don’t think). Unfortunately for Mick, Kersey doesn’t have that humanity anymore and has no problem gunning down the juvenile delinquent when he relents for a moment. Kersey’s complete lack of compassion, humanity and emotion clearly signals that the bleeding heart liberal is dead, only the bloodthirsty vigilante remains.

WINNER: Paul Kersey, via street justice

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7. Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell, Army of Darkness) vs 10. Joe Armstrong (Michael Dudikoff, American Ninja)

Joe Armstrong has all the skills it takes to excel in this field. He’s skilled with a gun and bladed weapons. He’s military trained and ninjutsu trained. And he has the Bullseye-like ability to turn screwdrivers and tire irons into ranged weapons. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a chainsaw for a hand! Ash’s inexorably vicious and gnarly machine component proves too much for Armstrong’s katana blades.

WINNER: Ash Williams, via vivisection

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NAKATOMI PLAZA ROUND 1

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1. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard) vs  16. Jason Dean (Christian Slater, Heathers)

Jason Dean doesn’t stand any sort of chance against John McClane in a head to head fight. His most valuable assets are his self destructive drive and his vest of dynamite. Dean used both effectively as he waited until McClane was within the blast radius and detonated, killing himself and bringing an avalanche of rubble down on McClane. It appeared we might have a draw, until McClane pulled himself up from the wreckage, and promptly lit a cigarette. The cowboy moves on, but is he worse for the wear?

WINNER: John McClane, via self-detonation

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5. Jack Burton (Kurt Russell, Big Trouble in Little China) vs  12. Jack Walsh (Robert De Niro, Midnight Run)

Jack Walsh entered this tournament with a lack of spectacular battle feats but a clear head. Jack Burton entered with the backing of the San Francisco Chinatown Magic Counsel and some demon bodies on his knife. Burton had trouble finding his focus without the help of martial artists and magicians, and without the hopes of getting laid after it was all over. This provided the quick-witted Walsh just the opening he needed to drop Burton with a few well-placed pistol shots in order to score the big upset.

WINNER: Jack Walsh, via marksmanship

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3. Mad Rockatansky (Mel Gibson, Mad Max) vs  14. Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews, Jason Lives: Friday the 13^th Part VI)

Tommy Jarvis’ greatest asset is his ability to slip out of sticky situations, usually ones involving a machete wielding superkiller. It was simply bad luck that he ran up against a man who spends 80% of his time in vehicles. Mad Max had no problem tracking down and then incapacitating Jarvis. On a positive note, the good luck that kept Jarvis alive through all his run ins with Jason Voorhees is likely the same that left him simply doubled over on the ground rather than dead after being rammed by the Interceptor 4 or 5 times.

WINNER: Mad Max Rockatansky, via car ramming

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7. Marion Cobretti (Sylvester Stallone, Cobra) vs  10. Jack Cates (Nick Nolte, 48 Hrs.)

Of the two cops in this first round shoot out, Cobretti is definitely the better armed. He’s got custom pistols, an SMG, and grenades. Cates has only his trusty service revolver and his wits. The old scrapper is able to avoid an early death via grenade and turn this into a waiting game, hoping to exhaust Cobra’s ammo. This strategy might have even worked if, when Cates finally found his opening and went for his revolver, it had been there. Unfortunately, an untimely pickpocket by that hustler Reggie gives Cobra all the opening he needs to take out Cates.

WINNER:  Marion Cobretti, via Eddie Murphy

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2. Dutch Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Predator) vs 15. Daniel Larusso (Ralph Macchio, The Karate Kid)

Daniel Larusso bleeds, and you all know what that means.

WINNER: Dutch Schaefer, via Dutch Schaefer

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6. Mr. Joshua (Gary Busey, Lethal Weapon) vs  11. Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith, Robocop)

Clarence Boddicker isn’t much of a fighter. But he’s got a great eye for the firepower needed to complete a job, and a complete lack of any sort of code or honor, which is why he brings his whole gang to this “one on one” fight. Outnumbered and outgunned, Mr. Joshua digs in and goes to work, confident in two things: 1) He was trained to kill and 2) He’s about to get paid. Joshua dispatches Boddicker’s gang of thrill-seeking imbeciles one by one until Boddicker offers him a deal. Joshua listens patiently, and then shoots Boddicker in the gut.

WINNER: Mr. Joshua, via the reverse numbers game

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8. Chong Li (Bolo Yeung, Bloodsport) vs 9. Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren, Rocky IV)

One of the most anticipated first round matchups did not disappoint as Drago and Li waged an epic hand to hand battle. Drago was able to maintain control through most of the fight, utilizing Sambo techniques to neutralize Chong Li’s versatility. Chong Li gained a momentary advantage by blinding his opponent with the trademark quicklime. But the combination of a blinded, enraged Russian punching machine and Chong Li’s glass jaw proved to be the deciding factor here, after Drago landed enough blind haymakers to completely incapacitate Li.

WINNER: Ivan Drago, via Soviet power

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4. Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton, Terminator) vs  13. Jed Eckert (Patrick Swayze, Red Dawn)

Sarah Connor has spent most of her adult life on the run. Jed Eckert has spent most of his teenage years on the hunt. It’s the element of surprise that kicks this one off, with Eckert blowing up Connor’s Jeep with a bazooka. That’s when the Wolverines strike. Connor is able to kill a few of them in self defense before she comes to the startling realization that she’s offing children. That kind of human-on-human violence just isn’t in Connor’s blood. She’s not built for this kind of combat, and for once there’s no one around to whisk her out of danger. Unfortunately, her backwoods opponent and his gang of gun-toting pubescents don’t have nearly the same regard for human life.

WINNER:  Jed Eckert, via Wolverine firing squad

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That leaves us with the following matches for the Second Round:

HOPE OUTSKIRTS ROUND 2

1. John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo: First Blood) vs 9. Gabe Cash (Kurt Russell, Tango & Cash)

4. J.J. McQuade (Chuck Norris, Lone Wolf McQuade) vs 5. Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn, The Terminator)

3. Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson, Death Wish) vs 6. Frank Dux (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bloodsport)

2. Conan the Cimmerian (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Conan the Barbarian) vs 7. Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell, Army of Darkness)

NAKATOMI PLAZA ROUND 2

1. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard) vs 9. Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren, Rocky IV)

12. Jack Walsh (Robert De Niro, Midnight Run) vs  13. Jed Eckert (Patrick Swayze, Red Dawn)

3. Mad Rockatansky (Mel Gibson, Mad Max) vs 6. Mr. Joshua (Gary Busey, Lethal Weapon)

2. Dutch Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Predator) vs 7. Marion Cobretti (Sylvester Stallone, Cobra)

There you have it. How'd you do? Is your bracket busted already? Or are you on the way to March Immortality? Sound off in the comments below. Make sure to check in tomorrow for the rest of the Round 1 matches as well as some number crunching on all the brackets we've received.

Tagged as: 48hrs, american ninja, army of darkness, bad boys, best of the best, big trouble in little china, bloodsport, cobra, conan the barbarian, death wish, die hard, friday the 13th, gymkata, heathers, karate kid, lethal weapon, lone wolf mcquade, mad max, midnight run, predator, rambo, red dawn, Robocop, rocky iv, steel dawn, tango & cash, terminator, the shining, willow