Culture Blues

The Tournament: 1st Round Briefing

If this machine had its way, all 64 combatants would die via superior intelligence and strength.

Jeremiah White and Jeff Hart, the pale fleshbags that run this pitiful blog, are currently locked in heated deliberations on the first round of The Tournament. As they are unavailable, they have requested that this machine use its considerable processing power to deliver a briefing to you worthless readers with necessary information. And fun facts. Yes, they put circuitry like mine, capable of solving the world’s energy crisis in a dozen human heartbeats, to use on “fun facts”.

HOW TO PARTICIPATE IN THE TOURNAMENT:
1)  Download the Bracket Here:  Official Badass Bracket.
2)  Use the drop downs to fill out your bracket.
3)  Save it.
4)  E-mail it to us at tournament@cultureblues.com
5)  Win prizes! We’ll be taking brackets up until the first results article on Tuesday.
6)  Scoring:  1st round = 1 point, 2nd round = 2, Sweet 16 = 4 , Elite 8 = 8 , Final Four = 10, champion = 15.

FUN FACT:
26% of the competitors in the tournament are current or one-time police officers.

IMPORTANT TOURNAMENT LINKS
Official Rules & Introduction
Nakatomi Plaza Preview
Hope Outskirts Preview
Golden Gate Bridge Preview
Temple of Doom Preview

FUN FACT:
20% of tournament entrants do not survive their own movie.

SOME SPECIFIC NOTES ON TOURNAMENT COMBAT:
1)  The question being answered is “who would in a fight?”
2)  Fights are not necessarily to the death.
3)  Most fights are to the death.
4)  There are no rules.
5)  There are no set weapons, locations, etc.
6)  As this machine is capable of running exceedingly complex algorithms during its simulations, factors such as outside assistance will be considered. Thus, it is entirely possible that someone like Clarence Boddicker shows up with his gang.

FUN FACT:
15% of tournament entrants would be considered pugilists.

CONTENTIOUS MATCH-UPS:
Some match-ups in the first round have proven more difficult for our judges to wrap their puny human minds around than others. I am at liberty to divulge some of these bouts, so that you readers may attempt to sway the decision.

Nakatomi:  8. Chong Li (Bolo Yeung, Bloodsport) vs 9. Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren, Rocky IV)
Nakatomi:  4. Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton, Terminator) vs  13. Jed Eckert (Patrick Swayze, Red Dawn)
Nakatomi:  5. Jack Burton (Kurt Russell, Big Trouble in Little China) vs  12. Jack Walsh (Robert De Niro, Midnight Run)
Hope: 7. Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell, Army of Darkness) vs  10. Joe Armstrong (Michael Dudikoff, American Ninja)
Doom:  7. Tony Montana (Al Pacino, Scarface)  vs 10. Private Vasquez (Jenette Goldstein, Aliens)
Doom: 6. Elliot Ness (Kevin Costner, The Untouchables) vs 11. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman, Die Hard)
Doom:  5. Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone, Rocky, etc) vs 12. Alex Grady (Eric Roberts, Best of the Best)

FUN FACT:  Most Entrants by Actors
Arnold Schwarzenegger (4)
Kurt Russell (4)
Sylvester Stallone (4)
Patrick Swayze (3)

WHO DIDN’T MAKE IT AND WHY:
Answers to some popular inquiries as to why a certain character did not make the field of 64.

Does not compute.

James Bond – Overwhelming number of films, inconsistencies in portrayal, variation in actors. All these factors combine to make Bond untenable for our purposes.

Han Solo – Laser blaster, Millennium Falcon, and Wookie considered too advantageous. Also, afraid George Lucas might sue.

The Pale Rider (Clint Eastwood) – Is a ghost.

Rip and Zeus (Hulk Hogan and Tiny Lister) – Lack of availability of No Holds Barred on DVD would make their inclusion unfair.

Casey Jones (Elias Koteas) – Possibility of Ninja Turtle involvement considered too advantageous.

Action Jackson (Carl Weathers) – Sucks.

FUN FACT:
Only one film is represented by more than 2 characters. That film is Lethal Weapon (Martin Riggs, Roger Murtaugh, Mr. Joshua)

COMPETITIVE EDGE FUN FACT:
Of the brackets received so far, the most popular choice for eventual champion is John J Rambo.

That concludes this machine’s transmission. Remember to send your completed brackets to tournament@cultureblues.com. Although this machine cares not one iota for your primate opinions, the other judges do, and will be monitoring the comment section.