Culture Blues

In Two Shows Enter,  Ben Van Iten captures two television shows with a net, and throws them into a pit of smarmy criticism to see which one comes out on top.  His scoring system is world renowned, and is now being adopted for Olympic Figure Skating.

Lie to Me vs The Mentalist: FIGHT!

It’s such a comfortable concept, isn’t it?  After someone is murdered or put in harm’s way, we don’t have to rely on conventional evidence or police work anymore.  DNA?  Who needs DNA?  This just in ladies and gentlemen, there are people who just…know.  Well, I feel better already.  It eliminates such time wasting questions as, “should we really have electrocuted that guy?”  Welcome to the concept behind the two hit television programs I will be taking a look at today.  They both feature main characters who might not always rub everyone the right way, but hey, they’re never wrong so it’s alright.  Here’s what each show’s respective website has to say:

“THE MENTALIST stars Golden Globe Award nominee Simon Baker as Patrick Jane, an independent consultant with the California Bureau of Investigation (CBI), who has a remarkable track record for solving serious crimes by using his razor sharp skills of observation. Within the Bureau, Jane is notorious for his blatant lack of protocol and his semi-celebrity past as a psychic medium, whose paranormal abilities he now admits he feigned.”

I was notorious for lack of protocol at a job once, and then they fired me.  ABC is kicking around the pilot right now.

Alright Fox.com, lay it on me.

“DR. CAL LIGHTMAN (Tim Roth) is the world's leading deception expert. If you lie to Lightman, he'll see it in your face and your posture or hear it in your voice. If you shrug your shoulder, rotate your hand or even just slightly raise your lower lip, Lightman will spot the lie.”

It seems like a bad poker scene could break out at literally any moment.  I’m also bracing myself for close-up shots of nostrils flaring, or eyebrows twitching; basically things that could also be explained by the fact that THESE PEOPLE ARE ALIVE.

Simon Baker carries that People's Choice Award everywhere.

There’s been a lot of shit talk and speculation this week, and if you don’t believe me, here’s some quotes that no one can substantiate:

“Tim Roth, if you think you can defeat the Mentalist, then you’re only lying to yourself.  Get it?” – Simon Baker, Actor

“It’s close.  It might just come down to the key grips.  Yep, key grips.” – Tyler Sandstrom, Key Grip

These shows will be judged with a unique scoring system.  I would take time to explain it but…no.  Lie to Me won the toss, and show creator Samuel Baum informed Culture Blues that they would like to be viewed first.  I will be watching the season 2 finale, titled “Tractor Man.” (+1 point for the title alone)

LIE TO ME:

-For someone as cynical as I am, a strong opening is important.  We find out quickly that the title of the show was not just a clever ploy to secure the key farmer demographic.  The very first thing we see is a scruffy man in a tractor driving around in Washington D.C.  He pulls up to a building and reveals a sign that says, “My name is Harold Clark, I would like to talk to the president.”  Well, fuck.  I’m not going to pretend I’m not intrigued.  (+5 points)

Don't bring that weak shit in here, son.

-The show seems to be re-introducing Tim Roth’s character to the viewers, as if they have no idea who he is.  I am in that boat I suppose, but then again I feel like I understand the character completely from a thirty second TV spot I witnessed weeks earlier.  Also I like to make a lot of unfair assumptions.  Timmy has been on camera for all of thirty seconds and he has already found a way to use the word "lie" in a sentence three times.  I have officially performed my first involuntary wince. (-1 point)

-Plot time.  The farmer has enough explosives to blow up “the whole town.”  Lightman and his merry band of Lie Busters are called in to decide if the threat is real.  Kids on a field trip can’t be evacuated from the area because that would kill some of the tension.  And yeah, scruffy guy still wants to talk to the president.  Great.  But what I want to talk about is how odd it is that I am not attracted to any of the females that have been presented on screen so far, and there have been three that seem like regular characters.  This does not bother me, I just find it bizarre.  In this day and age, ridiculously hot chicks typically fill as many roles as possible.  It’s a good thing I have plenty of Zotes sunflower seed wrappers hidden under my bed for such an emergency.

-There is an emerging side plot where Lightman is trying to figure out which one of the kids stole the class turtle.  I’m going to hold off on penalizing for the moment, but if there is a super annoying cute payoff here, I’m really going to lose my shit.

No.

-The side characters are not worthwhile.  There’s a goofy guy playing guitar and making sarcastic comments, he should stop that.  Mekhi Phifer plays an FBI agent, and I was going to try to find a performance he did that was worth a damn to contrast this, but really I’ve just been laughing at his IMDB filmography for five minutes.  Anyone seen Nora’s Hair Salon II?  (-2 points)

-It seems like the good guys aren’t made to handle these problems, as much as the problems are custom made for them.  This feels odd.  Despite the fact that this show revolves around ridiculous terrorist plots that can only be solved by a human lie detector, Tim Roth seems to be having a good time.  And I like him.  He makes up for the Mekhi mess.  (+3 points)

-OH FOR FUCK SAKE THAT LITTLE GIRL STOLE THE TURTLE. (-4 points)

-Bad men were pulling the farmer’s strings the entire time, and their plan is actually fairly cool (+1).  The end is alright, yet still feels a tad underwhelming (-1 point), but I’m going to give a bonus point here for Lightman’s suggestion to the rest of his crew that they have a drink.  I will do so as well, because after that I deserve it.  (+1 point)

Alright, so that show was sub par.  Give Mr. Roth credit though, he saved it from being completely abysmal.

TOTAL: 3 points

Before I discuss The Mentalist, I would like to apologize to my Mother.  She enjoys this show thoroughly.  This episode is called “Black Gold and Red Blood.”

THE MENTALIST:

-The opening of this show is far less compelling to me (-2 points).  CBI Agents are strolling through an open field, and are lead to a dead body.  It doesn’t take the writers long to remind us that everyone has respect for Jane’s mad skillz.  Two younger agents are debating whether or not he knows they are sleeping together.  And let me just end the suspense right here: of course he does.  I’m sure by staring them down and nodding thoughtfully he could deduce their favorite sexual position within moments.

-The one bit of intrigue is that the victim’s face is covered with glitter.  Is this the work of some kind of crazed stripper turned serial killer? (+1 point)  I can only hope.  I would also like to apologize to my Mother for mentioning strippers.

-This episode apparently has nothing to do with strippers (-1 point).

Fresh fish!!

-Our hero cannot solve the case right away because he is taken to jail for spying on his colleagues with a recording device.  He was tired of not being in the loop, or something.  But with his razor sharp observation skills, isn’t he always in the loop?  I’ve only known the character for five minutes, but this feels beneath him.  It’s like Superman using a fax machine.  Anyway, this is where things become upsetting.  Upon arriving in jail there is a scene where he is threatened by a tattooed badass, who looks like he might just start shivving folks at any moment (+1 point for making me think of Oz).  Within seconds, The Mentalist not only defuses the situation, but makes this hardened criminal turn over a new leaf.  Basically, it’s a great big corny crap sandwich. (-1 point)

- I was also surprised to hear inmates dropping the F bomb, and by that I mean “frick.”  You can’t swear, I get it, but there has to be a better way.  This reminds me of an episode of Felicity, where at a college party everyone was inexplicably drinking Dr. Pepper.  I don’t need to see people shooting heroin and getting raped (although Jeff does) but this feels so hokey it makes my skin crawl. (-3 points)

-I feel like all anyone really got out of that last paragraph was “Ben used to watch Felicity.”  I regret nothing.

-Teresa Lisbon (played with an appropriate mix of charm and cynicism by Robin Tunney) is the second most relevant character in the series, and alternates between scolding and admiring Jane.  There is obvious sexual tension here, but the show hasn’t spent too much time on it.  Their chemistry is not offensive to me (+4 points for barely exceeding my horrendously low expectations).  When visiting Jane in jail she threatens to hit him with a chair and he instantly remarks “I think you’ll find it’s bolted down” with a singsong voice and she flashes a comfortable smirk.  It is the only time that I found one of his observations enjoyable.  I immediately hated myself.

-Well, wouldn’t ya know, Patrick Jane has made more progress in solving the glitter murder from behind bars than the entire team has from the outside.  Shouldn’t we be firing these assholes?  But then it happened.  In a sequence you really have to see to believe, The Mentalist breaks out of  jail by using a guard’s fear of rats against him (-37 points).  Seriously, no one prepared me for this shit.  The next time we see him he has somehow been invited into the home of the murder victim, and is grilling the whole family; all the while enjoying a cup of tea.  Of course he gets a confession, and of course no one cares about his crimes against the CBI or his escape (-3 points).  Okay.

-SERIOUSLY HE BROKE OUT OF JAIL WITH A RAT WHAT THE FUCK GET ME OUT OF HERE.

TOTAL: -41 POINTS.

LIE TO ME (1-0) DEFEATS THE MENTALIST (0-1) BY A FINAL SCORE OF 3 TO -41.

The agony of defeat.

Culture Blues caught up with game MVP Tim Roth in the locker room.  “It’s just one win.  We have a long way to go…but it still feels good.  We’ll celebrate this one tonight, well except for Phifer.  We told that hack we’re going to an entirely different bar.  Glory to Tarantino, for through him all things are possible.”

Next week American Idol battles a mystery reality show opponent.  Suggestions welcome.