Culture Blues

Two Shows Enter: Syndicated Sitcom Triple Threat

In Two Shows Enter, Ben Van Iten forces television programs to go to war without just cause. His scoring system is currently being protested by Hans Blix.

Sitcoms have taught us so much over the years. We know that, for instance, all men are insensitive brutes who would rather be golfing or drinking beer than spending time with their family. Also, we’re big fat liars. And ladies, you are always right, but it comes with a price: you are horrible nagging bitches who suck all joy from our lives. Sitcoms have also informed us that all old people are batshit crazy. But all of these conflicts have a way of working themselves out. For two minutes out of every half hour, an apology can fix anything. This is why Jeff, one of this website’s editors, is only nice 6.6% of the time.

There was a lot of hype surrounding the first ever Two Shows Enter triple threat match. There was also confusion, because the column name just became irrelevant. Here are some quotes from the pre-game show:

“They tried to find my show and drag us into this, luckily we’re buried on TBS.” – Tyler Perry, Actor

“Marriage is tough. I feel for these guys.” – O.J. Simpson, Retired Athlete

 

Everybody Loves Raymond

When I originally had the idea to focus this week’s column on syndicaomanoted sitcoms, this was the first one that came to mind. During this episode I’m predicting Raymond will tell a lie of some sort, and Debra will respond by withholding sex. This is another sitcom rule; women do not enjoy sex. In fact, they only use it as something to hold over the heads of their idiot husbands. Well, here we go. Lights, camera, misery!

-We start off with three screaming kids (-1 point)

-Debra (played with the charm of a rabid badger by Patricia Heaton) refuses to let two of her children tell a knock-knock joke to Raymond’s mother Marie because it is bath time. Marie takes this poorly and we have ourselves a storyline. I’m just glad it isn’t a husband/wife spat at this point. I feel like I’ve won the lottery. (+3 points)

-As the episode goes on I begin to realize that there are no likeable characters. (-3 points) Raymond has his moments where I root for him but in the end he just comes off so weak willed and pathetic that any sympathy I had built up for him is washed away. His wife is stubborn and annoying. His mother is condescending and petty. His father Frank has a few funny lines, but after a while it seems forced and unnecessarily mean. If there wasn’t a laugh track, this would be some pretty grim shit.

-Have you ever thought about how odd the laugh track is? Here, learn something.

-Brad Garrett, who plays Raymond’s creepy brother, should have a spin off. And in that spin-off his social awkwardness could finally get the better of him, and he would just stab people to death. I would watch that. Anyway, he is responsible for one of the only legitimately funny moments in the show. When all of the men are pondering how to deal with the feuding women he says, “We should all just go to Florida” with a believable look of desperation. And I agree. Get the fuck out of there. (+2 points)

-Most shows cannot resist excessively cute horsecrap when children become involved, but the few times I have seen this show that has been avoided (+1). The writers almost treat the children as if they don’t exist. Then again, so do the characters. That might be illegal.

-The problem with this show is the same as it is with most sitcoms. The characters are presented as two dimensional throughout the episode and then suddenly we are supposed to care what happens in the last act. (-2 points) And even if we do care, it’s obvious that nothing has really been fixed.

-Which brings the inevitable question, what was the point of any of this? (-2 points) If I’m going to watch people be miserable, I’d prefer real characters, not just annoying caricatures. (-3 points)

TOTAL: -5 POINTS

 

King of Queens

Much like in porn, sitcoms have frequently featured an out of shape man with a much more attractive woman. One thing I will say for King of Queens is that Doug and Carrie (played by Kevin James and Leah Remini) actually seem to enjoy each other’s company, which is more than I can say for the first couple. Unfortunately, the writing is fucking terrible.

-We have a Patton Oswalt sighting! (+1 point)

-Oh Christ look what they’ve done to Patton Oswalt! (-1 point)

-The plot of this episode revolves around Doug and Carrie’s friendship with another couple, Deacon and Kelly. When Deacon announces that he and Kelly have a vacation house, instead of thinking “oh hey we have somewhere to stay for free next to the water! Whooo!” Doug and Carrie think, “How can they afford this!?! I’m jealous!” I can’t relate to this line of thinking, but whatever. Carrie makes an even further leap that the only reason that Deacon and Kelly can afford this house is because they have been mooching off of them for years. Do I even need to explain how stupid this is? (-2 points)

-One of the reasons why Seinfeld was the best sitcom ever was that the writers embraced that their characters were not good people. They had fun with it, and never apologized for their creations. King of Queens, and the flock of sitcoms since, seem less comfortable with this concept. They want all the laughs that poor behavior provides, but at the same time carefully enforce that deep down everyone is a good person who will do the right thing (with a gun to their head). It pisses me off. (-2 points)

-Amusing side plot: Patton Oswalt’s character (Spence) is getting ready for a job interview, and Carrie’s father Arthur (played by Jerry Stiller, who still makes me chuckle) coaches him. In my favorite scene of the episode, Arthur convinces Spence to let him help by pleading: “If I didn’t have this, I would just be playing word scrambles, praying for death!” (+3 points) While asking sample interview questions he puts his hand on Spence’s leg to make sure that he stays sharp and is always ready for anything during an interview, including sexual harassment. (+4 points) If the show was based on misadventures of Spence and Arthur, I would watch more than once a year.

-The two couples argue passive aggressively over who is going to pick up the check. Doug stabs himself in the foot with a butter knife to get out of it. Anytime you ever get an itch to watch this show, just re-read those last few sentences. (-2 points)

-Hey, in case you didn’t get the joke the first twenty times during this episode, KEVIN JAMES IS A FUCKING FATASS! (-1 point) Alright, let’s move on.

-When the two couples confront each other about being cheap, there is no resolution. Instead Doug and Carrie just turn on each other while Deacon and Kelly laugh it off. Once again, what is the point of any of this? (-2 points)

TOTAL: -2 POINTS

 

According to Jim

Years ago, I remember seeing commercials for this show. I never gave it too much thought besides: “Why?” With all the sitcoms out there at the time, what could this show possibly have to offer? I’m about to find out.

-The opening scene, which I assume is re-occurring, has Jim Belushi setting up a camera to take a family portrait. But before he can run back into the frame, HE HITS HIS HEAD ON THE CAMERA AND FALLS OVER! HOLY WACKY CHRIST! (-3 points) If John Belushi were alive, he would slam a bottle of whiskey and break it over his brother’s head for this stupid bullshit.

-Oh look, it’s a Chicago Bears jersey (-12 points).

-There is a scare right off the bat, but Jim’s wife Cheryl (Courtney Thorne-Smith) reveals that she is indeed not pregnant. They are relieved. Jim agrees to get a vasectomy so they can have a bunch of sex. This relates back to one of my earlier points.

-Right before the vasectomy starts Jim says to the doctor, “aren’t you going to buy me a drink first?” (-3 points) If you think that’s funny, check your local listings! Or kill yourself.

-Jim fails to go through with it because there is a large needle involved. And in all fairness, that is a pretty big needle. I’m writing down in my little notebook that I’m about 100% certain he’s going to lie to his wife about it and about 65% certain he’s actually sterile anyway.

-In a testament to the predictable nature of sitcoms, Cheryl showers him with praise for going through with it and he can’t tell her the truth. Shocking stuff (-2 points).

-We then meet Jim’s friend Andy. Apparently because he has such limited screen time he feels the need to make up for it by acting extra weird and gross. He also seems a bit slow. Cheryl pops by to give her husband a snack, and then with her in the very next room they have the world’s loudest conversation about how he didn’t actually go through with the snippety snip. (-3 points) Ugh.

-More Chicago Bears gear. (-12 points)

-Jim and Cheryl go to get a follow up test. The doctor congratulates him on having a low sperm count. And I’m right again. (-4 points) So Cheryl is pissed that he can’t communicate, and Jim is insecure about his manhood. How original. This show is a flaming bag of shit.

-After they’ve all cooled off, Cheryl comes home to talk about it. She reveals that she actually does want to have another kid, Jim begrudgingly agrees, and then announces that it doesn’t matter anyway because he doesn’t really raise the kids anyway. To further prove this point, his creepy retard friend Andy (who earlier looked like he might start jerking off in the living room at the mere mention of a woman) is currently bathing their three kids. Huh? (-8 points)

-For the record, there was not one single moment of this show I enjoyed. There was not one joke I laughed at. There was not one character I cared about. Terrible, terrible stuff.

TOTAL: -47 points

I’m just glad this is over.

KING OF QUEENS (1-0) DEFEATS EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND (0-1) AND ACCORDING TO JIM (0-1) BY A FINAL SCORE OF -2 TO -5 TO -47.

In the aftermath of the triple threat match, Culture Blues entered the somber loser’s locker room and caught up with James Belushi, who had this to say: “I’d like to tell everyone to keep morale up, but this is the eighth different pop culture website that we have lost a fictional battle on. Maybe our show really does suck.”

In the next edition of Two Shows Enter, I will take a scalpel to popular medical dramas. And if you think that’s the worst analogy I can come up with, think again.

Tagged as: according to jim, everybody loves raymond, james belushi, kevin james, king of queens, ray romano, syndicated comedy, the neutered psyche of the middle aged male