Culture Blues

Two Shows Enter: American Idol vs. The Bachelor

In Two Shows Enter, Ben Van Iten uses fake Emmys to lure two television programs into a steel cage. The battle that follows is described here. His scoring system combines the controversy of the BCS, with the brutality of underground cockfighting.

A couple years ago I was discussing the MTV show Laguna Beach with my roommate at the time, and we couldn’t remember if it was a reality show that seemed like a scripted show, or a scripted show that seemed like a reality show. Years later, those jail bait tarts got me thinking: is there really much of a difference anymore?

It speaks to the extent that reality television has permeated our society that I have never watched a single episode of either of these shows, yet I already know a disturbing amount about them. Between television commercials, radio ads, blogs, overhearing co-worker chatter, I could definitely fake my way through a conversation about either of them. There are countless reality shows on television (Hoarders - really A&E?), but the two that I have selected to battle it out are certainly among the most successful.

As you can imagine, a match-up of this magnitude has a lot of people talking. Check out a few of the memorable quotes from the Two Shows Enter media day:

“You know that scene at the end of the Duck Tales opening credits, where Scrooge McDuck just leaps into all that money? Yeah…quack quack, motherfuckers.” – Ryan Seacrest, American Idol host.

“In the end, The Bachelor is going to be tough to beat. Some of these girls can literally throw gonorrhea at people.” – Troy Aikman, Color Commentator.

American Idol:

This week’s token apology goes to CultureBlues.com fanatic Melissa Lamote, who recorded one of her favorite shows for me just so I could make fun of it. This is also a subtle way of pointing out that I know at least one girl – it’s not a big deal. Anyway, I have been informed that American Idol is still in the audition phase for this season. I don’t really know what all that entails, but I’m ready for a lot of jumping up and down and crying. There’s no turning back now. In a few moments I will become one of the eight hundred billion people who have watched this show.

- American Idol starts with a slight advantage (+1 point). The reason for the bonus point is the mere fact that this video exists. Good luck getting that out of your head.

-Allow me to summarize the show opening: WOOOOOOOOOO! WE’RE IN DENVER! WE’RE ALL GOING TO MAKE A BILLION DOLLARS AS POP STARS! THERE’S NO WAY THAT I CAN LOSE! OH MY GOD! DENVER IS THE BEST CITY EVER! HEY LOOK I’M FLEXING! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

- Right out the gate we have a Daughtry flashback. The show wastes no time reminding me that they are in the business of shitting out hacks. I’m already annoyed. (-3 points)

-I hate Ryan Seacrest. So much. (-1 point) The judges are Simon Cowell, Kara Dioguardi, Victoria Beckham, and Randy Jackson.

-One of the first contestants, Danielle, is extremely emotional upon being accepted. In an exchange that I’m still scratching my head over, Kara and Victoria agree that it’s a shame Danielle has not been able to express herself in the past, and be the artist that she truly wants to be. Then a few seconds later all the judges agree that she needs some help molding her personality to become the artist they want her to be (+3 points). You can’t find hilarity like this on sitcoms anymore.

-Coming in, I thought Simon was going to be a huge annoyance for me. On the contrary, he is the only one who seems to be saying what’s on his mind. When he tries to be witty I still groan, but when he just flat out tells people, “you are not a good singer, and you never will be” it pleases me (+2 points). The other judges, however, all seem spineless and predictable (-1 point). Also, Victoria Beckham is weird looking.

-As the show goes on it feels like they are literally handing out small children to all of the contestants, to make their stories more inspiring. With all the coin that American Idol brings in, they can probably afford to dip into the human trafficking business. If I was good with Photoshop, I would do something unforgivable with this concept.

-High point of the show for me is a montage of enraged contestants that didn’t make the cut. There is a pissed off chubby girl that gets stuck trying to navigate a tight space on the way out (+2 points). One guy slaps the camera and says what sounds like “Fuck American Idol.” It’s awesome (+3 points). This is a lot like when you are trying to convince a girl to date you. At first, you say a lot of nice things and buy her flowers. But when she doesn’t go for it, you call her a stupid bitch and act like you were never interested in the first place. Then you burn her house down. Wait, what?

-The amazing moments continue. We are introduced to a college football player. He is perhaps the world’s only cocky long snapper. I am speechless. (+1 point)

-As much as I like watching human beings fail miserably, and trust me I do, even I am uncomfortable to the point that I have to look away during a couple of these auditions. People are told to leave, and then they just keep on singing. Ugh. (-1 point)

-We meet a young man named Casey.  Everyone agrees he has no charisma. His singing doesn’t seem all that special either. But why is he going to Hollywood? Because the female judges think he looks cute with his hair down. This show isn’t even hiding its true intentions anymore, and I love it! (+3 points) If I was in a different mood this might be a deduction, but I’m just enjoying the absurdity of it all at this point.

-Randy Jackson is creepy. Seriously.

-The preview for next week shows Ellen Degeneres becoming a permanent judge (-1 point), and fifty aspiring hookers are off to Hollywood.

TOTAL SCORE: 8 POINTS

I found American Idol unintentionally hilarious and legitimately entertaining at times. A new high score is achieved!

The Bachelor:

From the previews I have seen The Bachelor tries to set itself apart from the other shows of its ilk by appearing a bit classier. Be that as it may, I am still expecting a train wreck covered in slut sauce. I did a little research and only one of the twelve couples this show has produced is still together. Stop it Wikipedia, you’re going to make me cry. The description of this episode is that our Bachelor is spending a week with five ladies in San Francisco.

-I have to install a new program just to view this show on ABC’s website (-1 point). Do you see how much I care, editors? Do you see how much I have given of myself?

-The Bachelor is named Jake, and he is a pilot. This season is called “Wings of Love.” I want to penalize here for that stupid fucking title, but I’m just going to take a deep breath instead.

-In San Fran, he will be having three one-on-one dates, and one two-on-one date. Did that even make sense? Tenley, a college administrator, is chosen for the first one-on-one. From what I know of her she is divorced and desperate, sounds like tons of fun. And after five minutes of this date, add “giggly idiot” to the list. I don’t care about her. (-1 points)

-For the two-on-one date, two blondes are chosen: Ali and Vienna. Eye rolling and dramatic music means that they hate each other. I like where this is going! (+1 point) I doubt there will be physical violence, but I’m saying right now if anything has to be bleeped I’m going to award five points.

-The girl who is reading the card said she was just kidding, and the feuding blondes aren’t going on the group date. DON’T PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS YOU WHORE. (-5 points)

-The group date is Gia and Vienna. Gia makes a comment that this is the first time that she has been on a date with another girl, when they were both going after the same guy. I had a good chuckle (+4 points). It is hilarious and telling that this thought has even entered her head, as if this scenario was at all common. It speaks to the mindset that these women have, and the level of humiliation they are willing to put up with. How can this possibly be a healthy environment to find a significant other?

-They are drinking classy wine in a castle. I, on the other hand, am drinking box wine in a one bedroom apartment. I like Jake’s style here. (+3 points) Jake pulls Gia aside and she comes off insecure and nuts, but she’s still my favorite so far because she seems a bit more genuine. Vienna tries to break up their make out session, and I’m going to reward this sequence (+1 point) because I felt pangs of dislike for Vienna and her pathetic display, which means the show is having some kind of effect on me. I have since purchased a “Team Gia” bumper sticker.

-Next is Corrie. She’s a virgin, and it’s a big deal I guess. They have a lame picnic. I…don’t…care. I’m almost guaranteeing that she is going to get cut. (-1 point)

-Ali’s date is last, I am neutral on her. What I wonder about with shows like this, is if there are people that influence Jake’s decisions on the side. Do television executives make a case for keeping both Vienna and Ali on the show for the sake of fireworks? Or maybe I’m just being too cynical.

-Rose ceremony time! This determines who enters the next round robin, am I wrong?

-He pulls each girl aside before the ceremony to make out with them. Hilarious. (+1 point)

-Jake has a one-on-one interview with the host of the show, who has done the impossible. This guy has somehow managed to be even more useless than Ryan Seacrest. (+2 points)

-The ladies are lined up before him. And hey, it’s an impressive spread. They have their evening gowns on, and I imagine they smell nice. The tense music is back. First rose goes to Tenley. Second goes to Ali. Third for Gia (+2 points). The fourth and final rose for Vienna (-3 points). He says Corrie wasn’t ready to open up, which seems like code for “she ain’t givin’ it up.” Regardless, I should be handicapping this shit.

TOTAL SCORE: 3 POINTS

This would have been good enough for a tie last week, but alas it wasn’t to be.

AMERICAN IDOL (1-0) DEFEATS THE BACHELOR (0-1) BY A FINAL SCORE OF 8 TO 3.

Cultureblues.com caught up with Simon Cowell after American Idol’s victory, and asked him about the hard fought contest. “Well yeah, of course we won. But let’s talk about you guys. If you ever want to attract more fourteen year old girls compromised by commercialism to your website, let me know. It’s kind of my specialty.”

We’ll be in touch, Simon. Join me next time when I give Jeremiah the triple threat television showdown he’s always wanted.

Tagged as: american idol, bachelorette vienna, chris daughtry, king of the badgers, laguna beach, ryan seacrest, Simon Cowell, the bachelor