The Final Countdown: Final Edition
Let's face it: All the people at this internet funeral are way cooler than you. They read The Sports Guy before he was hosted by ESPN and they were registered users on Chuck Klostermann’s Angelfire blog. You? You're a sweaty mess, making references to Hamster Dance and throwing FMLs around like your life depended on it. A pathetic excuse for a twentysomething internet snarker. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together one last weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious internet geeks with, and finally give you something worthwhile to post about in the forums. Your social redemption ends here.
(10) How is this for a timeline? In 2003 (despite an overwhelming 94% of student support), Ole Miss dropped Colonel Reb as its mascot because it could be viewed as offensive to minorities (or anyone that acknowledges that the Civil War is, in fact, over). On Tuesday, students will take to the polls to choose a new mascot and it looks like the overwhelming favorite is… Admiral Ackbar?! Ackbar, the Star Wars character and leader of the Rebel Alliance has more than 15,000 friends on Facebook and a newly formed website to raise the profile of his candidacy. We here at Culture Blues fully support the Admiral in his quest, if for no other reason than an excuse to lobby for Admiral Ackbar Cereal. But seriously, this is awesome.
(9) Last weekend, Apple got all puritanical on its own App store by purging it of any content judged to be "sexual in nature". With no warning to either developers or users, over 5000 apps were removed with no word on whether they would ever be returning. This cleansing is all a part of Apple's new content policy, which essentially states that any app with women or men in bikinis, showing any amount of excess skin at all, or which Apple censors find sexually arousing will be instantly rejected. Of course Playboy's app is still sitting pretty in the store, leading many to believe that this all has something to do with a content partnership deal that the two sides are working out for the iPad. There's no joke here because censorship isn't funny. Rest assured, there’s an entire subculture of jail breaking hackers out there who are hard at work trying to remedy this problem.
(8) Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty. The hotly anticipated (by us) Zoolander sequel is finally in motion, with reports this week indicating that Tropic Thunder screenwriter Justin Theroux is working on the script. This is great news for Ben Stiller who, thanks to Tropic Thunder and the upcoming Greenberg, is starting to regain some of his comedic credibility in our eyes. Oh wait – there’s a Meet the Fockers sequel in post-production? Nevermind.
(7) In super, super-group news Thom Yorke has finally announced a name for his non-solo side project: Atoms For Peace. Bolstering an impressive all-star lineup of Yorke, THE Nigel Godrich, Flea, Joey Waronker (Beck/R.E.M drummer), and multi-instrumentalist Mauro Refosco, the band is gearing up to play Coachella this year, as well as a short promotional tour in some major U.S. cities this Spring. Originally the title of an Eisenhower speech that was delivered in front of the U.N. in an effort to encourage peaceful uses for nuclear development and Zzzzzz... Whatevs, I'm sure the band will be fucking unreal and way cooler than some old dead President's speech. You think they'll play Creep?
(6) Those Johnny-come-latelies at the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Committee on Injury, Violence and Poison Prevention are calling for a redesign of foods that present choking hazards to kids such as hard candies, hot dogs, and many other penis shaped foods. Well, that’s just great, AAPCIVPP. But that’s not going to make Doc Graham young and let him play on the Field of Dreams again, is it? Is it?!?
(5) This week, Tony Kornheiser was suspended from Pardon the Interruption by ESPN for comments he made about Hannah Storm’s fire red go-go boots. We here at Culture Blues salute Mr. Kornheiser for saying what every man has always thought: “Why do chicks get to wear whatever the hell they want to work while I’m sitting here in this hot, uncomfortable freaking suit?” Not that we’re complaining, Hannah Storm is hot for 47, and the “Daisy Duke Blouse” is a good look on her. What’s particularly annoying, though, is the Soviet-Era lockdown on ESPN reporting about ESPN. This is a big story, yet no mention (that we have seen) has been made of it on Sportscenter, PTI, or even by ESPN bad-boy Bill Simmons. In other news, Lindsey Vonn broke her poor wittle pinkie.
(4) Can we please just point out here, in our totally original numbered list of interesting items from around the internet, that those fuckers from Gawker are totally ripping us off? In honor of Gawker’s contribution to the dead words list, we would like to state the following: Gawker’s list is cool beans, but ours is definitely way more bad news bears. Anyway, dead word lists are the new txts from last night – good times at first, but now a total fail. Also, we look bedonkadonk in these jeggings. Suck it, we touched them all. You can’t police us.
(3) It appears that Rolling Stone allowed their internet domain name to expire this week. We’re not buying their story that this was just some sort of glitch, largely because this is such a perfect example of the way the old fogies in their ivory magazine publishing towers have allowed the future to pass them by, idly watching print die, waiting for Steve Jobs to save them like he did music, AND failing to catch the next wave that is this internet thing. Now any nerd with internet connection can create an “online magazine” complete with feature stories, interviews, recurring columns, music reviews, movie reviews and decade-ending “best of” lists. And we don’t let our domain names expire. The king is dead! Long live the new flesh! THE KING IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE NEW FLESH!
(2) In one of the best examples yet of the US government being a bunch of befuddled morons who can literally not do a single fucking thing right, a federal appeals court is going to waste some time figuring out if the FCC should be able to reinstate the infamous “Janet Jackson’s titty” fines that were originally dismissed back in 2008, 4 years after Justin Timberlake sentenced all of us to a decade of geriatric rock half time shows. Look, who gives a shit? You puritanical prudes. It was a breast! It’s part of the human body. It delivers vital nutrients to babies. It’s not like it was cock. There was no throbbing vein or anything. There was no discharge. It’s not like it was a sopping wet vagina with pubic hair shaved into the words “fuck this pussy.” It’s not like it was a gaping, bloody asshole. There is so much worse stuff in the world for your kids to see. Have you heard about the internet? What about fetish porn? Do you know about emetophilia or formicophilia? What about klismaphilia or menophilia? Teratophilia? Google them. And when you’re done masturbating, try, for once in your life, to focus on something that actually matters to the people who live in this country.
(1) You should probably be listening to this song while you read the following bit. For the first time, the title of this article can be interpreted without irony. After six hilarious months at the forefront of the internet’s highly competitive numbered list game, your friends at Culture Blues are canceling the weekly Final Countdown. We’ve had some good times – there’s been a lot of love expressed in these articles, and an epic amount of hate. We hope you’re a better person for having read our weekly dissertations on small talk. Wait – what? You’re not a better person? You haven’t learned shit? Well, have no fear, because starting next week Culture Blues will be providing Countdown sized bits on a daily basis in our revamped blog section (you can find it on the main page, with your eyes). So while Countdown may die here, the genius contained within will live on. Your daily social redemption starts Monday.
Jeff Hart, Jeremiah White, Jason Arican, and Giovanny Caquias contributed to this Countdown.