Culture Blues

Here at Culture Blues, we take our Google Analytics seriously. For the last few months we've been calling out states that haven't yet visited our site. Now, as we enter our six month of operations, only two hold outs remain. One of them is Wyoming...

Square.

Honestly, it isn’t the least bit surprising that no one from Wyoming has ever visited our site. No one lives there. Wyoming is our country’s most sparsely populated state with just over 544,000 residents, and that number includes the cattle that census takers were inexplicably convinced to count as spouses. If it was a city, Wyoming would rank 32^nd, narrowly edging out the thriving metropolis of Tucson, Arizona by about 3,000 souls. Interestingly enough, 88% of Wyoming residents polled said they would rather live in an actual civilization (not unlike Tucson), but admit that they’re frightened of breaking a wagon wheel on the Oregon Trail or losing one of their halfwit daughters to snake bite.

Like most states, Wyoming’s existence comes at the expense of the Native Americans. But, unlike neighboring Montana which played host to the epic Battle of Little Big Horn, the Lakota and Shoshone tribes that once occupied the Wyoming territory allowed their relocation to reservations with complacent shrugs. In fact, when asked about their peaceful abandonment of Wyoming, prominent Shoshone Chief Washakie commented: “Yellow Stone Park? Big deal,” adding, “If I want to see Earth piss water, I go to Cheyenne wedding.”

Wyoming calls itself the equal rights state largely because of its milestone passage of women’s suffrage in 1869, twenty-one years before Wyoming was even invited into the Union. Wyoming was also the setting of the controversial Brokeback Mountain (oddly, the state had previously rejected Kevin Costner’s Open Range on the grounds of costar Robert Duval being “too sexy”). A lot of good those dumb Wyoming broads and sissy cowboys have done such progressive concepts like equal rights; the state has been reliably conservative since the 50s. But, with only three electoral votes to spread around, who really gives a shit, right?

A young Dick Cheney, pictured here with Heath Ledger.

Dick mother fucking Cheney – that’s who. The former vice-president and world-renowned uber-badass was born and bred in Wyoming; the unholy result of a Greek mythology style coupling between an earth-bound she-devil and a bull. Of course, Cheney renounced his Wyoming ties and tried to act like he was from Texas, but had to come crawling back to the middle-north flatlands in order to run for Vice President. He was welcomed back with open arms by a state desperate to have at least one famous person, no matter how evil, claim residency.

Interestingly, Cheyenne serves as the capital of an alternate American dictatorship in two Philip K Dick novels. In a creepy example of life imitating art, Wyoming has been selected for the second Free State Project, wherein those weirdo libertarians sign a pact to relocate to a particular state, bringing people of “demonstrably ethical character” together. The arrival of some jack-booted ethics police might be exactly what Wyoming needs to break up the monotony of ranch hand gunfights and cow fucking.

This Triceratops died of shame.

Finally, Wyoming is one of only seven states to elect a state dinosaur. It’s the Triceratops.

Thanks for reading, Wyoming! We’re glad to have you.