Culture Blues

As the nation’s foremost expert on shallow movie preview columns, you can only imagine the piles and piles of e-mails I receive every month looking for recommendations. That’s why I’ve decided to use the February primer to answer some reader e-mail. I’m all about guiding my readers onto the big red X of knowledge, pulling the lever of sharing, and dumping a big steaming bucket of wisdom on their dumb heads.

Dear Jeff,

I can’t find a man! For me, Valentine’s Day is always just the poopiest. What do you recommend to take my mind off my lonely and empty existence?

Thanks,

Jenna, Rochester NY

Here’s what you should do. Get all your best single girlfriends together, get real gussied up, have a nice dinner, maybe a few bottles of wine, and then head off to the multiplex to see the delightful ensemble rom-com Valentine’s Day! It’s pretty much a carbon copy of last year’s He’s Just Not That Into You, except with more Julia Roberts. In fact, the big studios are so convinced you’re going to spend this year, and every year that follows, feeling desperately alone that there’s talk of churning out one of these ensemble rom-coms every year. There’s certain to be plenty of relationship angst and singles scene bashing and, if Valentine’s Day maintains the keen ear for dialogue that was on display in Not That Into You, you’ll even get to hear how real men actually talk. How enlightening! Of course, most of the players in Valentine’s Day will probably find love in some form, and when the credits roll you’ll still be inadequate and unlovable. But don’t let that ruin your escapist fun.

****

Dear Jeff,

I’m a grizzled veteran cop with a new partner that doesn’t play by the rules. I was hoping you could give me some tips on how we could become a better team. I was thinking about duct taping myself to a toilet bomb, but that seems extreme.

Thanks,

Larry, Los Angeles CA

I get this a lot. Before jumping into something crazy like a toilet bomb, and before you let this crazy new partner of yours even think about fist fighting on your lawn, you should try to bond over your shared love of quality American cinema. A good starting point might be Cop Out, starring Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan. It looks like Cop Out plans to ape the buddy cop flicks of the 80s which is certainly the genre's finest vintage. However, the trailer looks like the sort of fake trailer they'd air for Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock, except worse. Whatever, I'd sit through Black Cop White Cop.

If Cop Out doesn't work for you, or if you're the sort of guy that's really into shaved heads and weird facial hair, you should consider From Paris With Love. It's essentially a buddy cop movie transplanted to Europe. And if that’s not enough information, let that ham John Travolta remind you that IT'S ABOUT TERRORISTS!

****

Dear Jeff,

It’s been horrible since she left me. I feel the darkness closing in. When I’m not reading Culture Blues, I spend my time recreating our break-up with the hair doll I made. I haven’t spoken to a human being in weeks. I feel like I’m going to have to do something drastic soon; to share my pain with the world. So, any good movies out?

Yours,

JB, Brooklyn NY

Ah, a weirdo. Despite your vague and terrifying e-mail, I actually have two recommendations for you. Both are remakes – the first of a horror classic, and the other of a horror flick that strains the very definition of cult classic. Your choice will determine just how quickly the authorities need to come snatch you up.

First is The Wolfman, starring Benicio Del Toro. Despite a ton of production woes, Wolfman actually looks like it could be solid. The Wolfman has always been an obvious metaphor for the beast within us all; great escapism for the kind of guy that sees a woman walking alone in the park and has to fight the urge to maul her. Should be right up your alley.

Then again, maybe your creepiness is ready to leave the world of fantasy and manifest itself in some savage real world violence. If that’s the case, you should probably check out The Crazies. It’s a remake of the George A. Romero movie of the same name which, frankly, is severely overrated by horror fans. The gist is that a quiet small town goes bananas. Check out the trailer and, if you start to feel like that dude storming the little league game with a shotgun, please let Timothy Olyphant know.

****

Dear Jeff,

OMG! Help! My boyfriend Jared Leto will only watch movies starring Jared Leto. It’s weird because he actually hates listening to his own music (so quirky and adorable!). I’ve exhausted my Google alerts and it doesn’t look like Jared has any movies out. What should we see?

Cindy, Canada

PS – Giovanny is a jerkwad

Yeah, it sucks that Jared Leto doesn't make movies anymore. I really like that part in Fight Club where Edward Norton just keep punching and punching him until his stupid face is just a blood-veined meat pancake. And man, it probably took weeks to get those Panic Room corn rows just right. Anyway, you’re obviously delusional and Jared Leto is not a crush appropriate to the new decade, so maybe it’s time for a fresh celebrity infatuation. I hear this Channing Tatum fella is all the rage now. In this month's Dear John, Tatum reprises the role of tough-guy-with-an-old-soul that he's played in all his other movies. He probably takes his shirt off a bunch, too. You teenage girls like that sort of thing, right? Did I mention the movie is based on a book by Nicholas Sparks?  His stories about gentle devirginalization were all the rage with the kids before Stephanie Myers turned all the good nerdy girls goth. And by the way, as Dear John is focused on a couple's difficulties after 9/11 the movie is, ostensibly, ABOUT TERRORISTS!

****

Dear Jeff,

For this Valentine’s Day I’m planning on surprising my rugged out-doorsy boyfriend with a trip. I’m trying to decide between a hiking trip to the bottom of the Grand Canyon or an all inclusive ski retreat in the Rockies. What do you think?

Thanks,

Sue, Boston MA

You’re seriously considering skiing? I guess you haven’t seen the trailer for Frozen yet, huh? They’re calling it Open Water, but on a mountain. Or The Blair Witch Project on a chairlift. Either way, it should serve as reason enough to never go skiing again. And in case you think your little hiking trip is safe – think again! On DVD shelves this month is The Canyon, where a couple tourists are murdered, or starved, or mauled by lions, I can’t tell. Honestly, has any outdoor activity for yuppies not been spoiled by recent horror movies?

****

Dear Jeff,

So does anything good at all come out this month? Or should I just spend my hard earned cash catching up on the Oscar flicks you so badly failed to guess?

Brian, New York NY

Yes. My premature Oscar predictions didn’t do so hot. Regardless, you should still go check out The Hurt Locker, easily one of the best films of 2009, and likely managing a wider release thanks to yesterday’s nomination.

As for new releases this month, the only surefire bet on quality is Mark Ruffalo’s Shutter Island. A thriller set in a Lovecraftian mental institution, this reteaming of Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio was originally slated as November Oscar bait. What does the move to February say about the movie’s quality? According to some bloggers, not much. Apparently, it was Paramount’s financial woes that caused the relegation to February as they didn’t have the scratch to run a November publicity campaign. At least that’s what they want you to think.

That’s all for the mailbag, but keep an eye out for next month’s primer, which will be a 5,000 word dissertation on my early choice for 2010’s Best Picture.

Hot Tub Time Machine.

Tagged as: benicio del toro, bruce willis, cop out, from paris with love, frozen, Hurt Locker, jared leto, leonardo dicaprio, mark ruffalo, massive cast romcom, shutter island, the canyon, the crazies, Timothy Olyphant, tracy jordan, Tracy Morgan, valentine's day, wolfman