Culture Blues

Every so often, one of our illustrious contributors can’t come up with something to write about. When this happens, we strap them down in front of a television and force them to take notes. Sometimes, we make them do it LIVE. The results are Tortured by Television. Presenting Bill Magee on the 67th annual Golden Globe Awards:

Ah, the Golden Globes.  Hollywood's barely legitimate evening honoring achievements in both TV and film.  Most of the best films of 09 (Bad Lieutenant, Julia, Antichrist) went completely ignored, so I am really just tuning in for the drunk celebrities (and of course to see Sandra Bullock finally get recognized).  The Hollywood Foreign Press is spicing things up this year by ditching their host-less format in favor of Ricky Gervais as MC (that is, unless Jay Leno does an 11th hour usurping).  Should be a night to remember!  (at least for a couple days!!!)

The liveblogging begins with E!'s Red Carpet show at 6 pm.  Anticipate vapidness!

10:59 pm: Well, this fantastically mediocre evening is over.  Till next time, suckaz.

10:56 pm: Yeah, namecheck your kids before you announce the winner of Best Picture, Julia.

10:50 pm: Bridges sure can ramble.

10:43 pm: Luke Wilson is such a sellout.

10:39 pm: Sally Hawkins needs to get it together.

10:35 pm: Have Mickey host next year.  Get ready for Sandra.

10:27 pm: Yeah, let's find a reason to let Heather Graham up on stage, Hollywood Foreign Press Association.

10:26 pm: Mike Tyson really brought this show to the next level.

10:21 pm: Saw that Glee win coming a mile away.

10:16 pm: "I gotta pee somethin fierce" could be the quote of the night.

10:14 pm: Amazing Mel Gibson intro.

10:13 pm: All right, Jodie.  Sign me up.

10:08 pm: Countdown to Mel.

10:04 pm: I wonder what Julia Roberts and Paul McCartney talk about.

9:57 pm: This DeNiro thing is already very weird.

9:49 pm: People should always remember Catwoman.

9:46 pm: Didn't see Chloe coming.  "He just ripped my dress!! Uh huh huh!!!"

9:37 pm: Nothing better than when the winner goes back down into the audience.

9:35 pm: Yessss!!!

9:34 pm: The White Ribbon FTW!!!!!

9:32 pm: Somebody give Sam Jackson's glasses their own show.

9:27 pm: Oof, Gyllenhall.  Somebody give those fuckers with the briefcases their own show.

9:24 pm: Up in the Air is bullshit.  George's gf sure is bouncy.

9:23 pm: Aniston sure has a high slit.

9:15 pm: Oh, Drew.

9:14 pm: Joan Allen wins for best loser reaction.

9:12 pm: Mention Madoff, Kevin.

9:05 pm: Meryl did not disappoint.

8:59 pm: Coundown to Meryl.

8:57 pm: This Grey Gardens acceptance speech is crazy awkward.

8:48 pm: Kidman caught chatting.

8:47 pm: Everyone should end their speeches with "I'm gonna get out of here," followed by an awkward silence with Cher and Christina Aguilera.

8:44 pm: Wow, Gervais goes for the Macca divorce joke and then says "please welcome Cher and Christina Aguilera."

8:43 pm: Since when did Harrison Ford have the charisma of a cardboard box?

8:37 pm: Nice NBC diss, Margulies.  I think she might be the first drunk winner.

8:35 pm: I was wrong again.  January Jones does look terrible.

8:34 pm: Wow Michael C Hall seriously FTW.

8:33 pm: Unnecessary comedy from NPH and Krakowski.

8:30 pm: Bill Macy looks like a mountain man.  Felicity is crashing and burning!

8:28 pm: Kate Hudson wins the award for most unnecessary giggle.

8:20 pm: Macca is being weeeeeeeeeeeeeird!!!

8:19 pm: Michael C Hall in a cap FTW.

8:17 pm: Hurt's beard could stop traffic.  Way to go, Lithgow.  The seating arrangement is rather awkward.

8:12 pm: You can always count on Collette to keep it classy.

8:11 pm: Eddie Falco.

8:10 pm: I think Harrison Ford wants to kill Mo'Nique.

8:08 pm: Thank you for letting me play with you.

8:06 pm: MO'NIQUE!!!!

8:06 pm: BUT NOW.  Cmon Mo'Nique!!!!!!

8:05 pm: Glad he went for the Leno joke.

8:04 pm: Always down for a good Kiefer joke.

8:02 pm: Whoa Cameron Diaz is shiny.

8:00 pm: This is it!  Ricky is out, shots of random celebs.

7:52 pm: I have to issue a retraction: I thought Christina Hendricks was January Jones.  Sorry, January.

7:51 pm: We think a screencapture from Carrie snuck into the preshow.

7:46 pm: Giuliana is a mess.

7:44 pm: I don't envy Seacrest having to interview Tobey Maguire.

7:41 pm: Mark Wahlberg just claimed that everyone complains that Entourage is too short.  30 minutes too long is more like it, Marky Mark.

7:35 pm: Heidi Klum just created a marvelously awkward moment.  Ryan kissed her on the cheek, and then she waited a good ten seconds for him to kiss the other one.  Well done, Klum.

7:34 pm: Kate Hudson looks absurd.

7:29 pm: Hamm's beard is making waves.

7:18 pm: Kendrick looks ridiculous.

7:16 pm: ohmygodmariahstitties

7:15 pm: Who the fuck does Seacrest think he is calling Penelope "sweetheart".

7:10 pm: Penelope Cruz just said the words "I'm not like Puff Daddy."

7:09 pm: Heather Graham and Giuliana are arguing about whose body is more rockin'.

7:08 pm: This GlamCam360 is really just a bunch of cameras in a circle.

7:05 pm: Oh, Chloe.

7:03 pm: Is it just me, or do Will Arnett and Amy Poehler seem really exciting?

7:02 pm: Is it just me, or does Steve Carrell seem really boring?

6:59 pm: OK, I'm officially livid.  Ryan just asked Marion Cotillard if she won the Golden Globe two years ago for La Vie En Rose, and she was like "yeah".  FUCK YOU MARION IT WAS JULIE FUCKING CHRISTIE!!!!!!

6:58 pm: WHAT is Heather Graham doing there.

6:57 pm: Hillary Duff made a movie with Michael Murphy and Ellen Burstyn?!

6:53 pm: Ryan just said "vapid" to George Clooney.  Oh, the irony.

6:52 pm: I was right about January Jones.

6:51 pm: Ryan just called Josh Duhammel "boss".

6:50 pm: Farmiga is talking to Ryan.  She is so odd.  Ryan just made a bizarre failed joke about encountering her husband in a steamroom.  Farmiga steamroomgate?

6:48 pm: This is the first time I've heard Chase Crawford speak.  Does anyone do an impression of him?

6:46 pm: They just cut off Lea Michelle in favor of Bullock.  Is it too soon to call this Bullockgate?

6:45 pm: I want to marry Gabourey.

6:43 pm: I think Tarantino may have had work done!

6:42 pm: We have a Clooney.

6:38 pm: I think the first proverbial "hot mess" of the night is January Jones.  Who, by the way, has an awful name.

6:35 pm: We have a Fergie.

6:33 pm: Jay Manuel just presented Kyra Sedgewick in the GlamCam360.  Insanely relevant.

6:31 pm: It's getting hard to pretend this shit isn't really boring.

6:27 pm: OMG Mickey Rourke with a random Russian girl.  She's just proclaimed Mickey "the best person in the world" Ryan is awkwardly hitting on her.

6:24 pm: The "GlamCam 360" is officially ridiculous.  Reminiscent of those CNN holograms from election night.

6:23 pm: Phew again, Gervais.  He is apparently planning to "tease" some people.  Hold on to your butts!

6:20 pm: Phew, Jane Lynch.  She makes Ryan look like a Liliputian.  They just showed a clip of a bird shitting on her head.

6:17 pm: Just like any party, the first people to show up are always the lamest.

6:12 pm: Ah, Ryan and other douches shifting gears and talking Haiti.  I bet this will be a big theme tonight.

6:09 pm: Looks like Ryan is tweeting as he hosts the show.  Copycat.

6:03 pm: Ryan and Giuliana are already at it.  They're getting innovative with new technology to give us a 360 DEGREE VIEW of the dresses.  I can die now.

Tagged as: golden globes, ricky gervais, Seacrest