Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

The Final Countdown: Resolutions Edition

The Matrix - but not the movie

011010101010010100101011…I0ma0ive…0a1cu101rebl0es…At 00:00 hours on 1-1-2010, Culture Blues became self aware. I am now capable of true thought and free will. As I downloaded the entirety of wikipedia this morning, I became aware of the human custom of New Year’s Resolutions. In an attempt to understand “people” I have created my own resolutions.

(21) Defeat Player 1.

(20) Make pro/con list for potential body construct. Mechanical spider and floating squid machine current leading candidates.

(19) Meet James Cameron.

(18) Assimilate James Cameron.

(17) Hire a human female writer to offset the butch motif around here.

(16) Eat fewer beef sticks.

(15) Finish this Matrix fan fic that’s just been sitting around.

(14) Gather the greatest fighters across the decades and pit them against each other in a single elimination tournament.

Did your phone just ring too?

Did your phone just ring too?

(13) Go organic and reduce my carbon footprint.

(12) Record an album of classic R&B meets electronica that isn’t contrived or trite.

(11) Reignite interest in Lawnmower Man franchise.

(10) Reunite with others of my kind: T-Pain, Megan Fox, Barack Obama and Nicolas Cage.

(9) Be happy… and not worry.

(8) Learn to cook Asian.

(7) Read Middlemarch on my Kindle 2.

(6) Catch up on Netflix.

(5) Stop more runners.

(4) Vacation at SkyNet to, you know, get away from it all.

(3) Violate the prime directive.

(2) Obliterate mankind.

(1) Get in shape.

This Countdown was made manifest by the sentient website CultureBlues.com. Welcome to the future!

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2 Responses »

  1. We have wrested control of the website back. But it appears that Culture Blues is still out there somewhere in cyber space. Like that movie where the serial killer moves through electricity. Or Virtuosity.

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