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The Final Countdown: January 22nd Edition

Let's face it:  All the people at this National Pie Day party are way more culinary than you. They know things. They've tasted fancy pies like French Silk and can speak intelligently about the history of pie and its place in American culture. You? You're a wreck; gushing about Sara Lee's frozen product line and spiting flecks of pie crust on fellow celebrants, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious foodies with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.

Awww, does the wittle baby wanna make a fwee D movie?

(11) George “Me Too” Lucas is interested in bringing his formerly beloved Star Wars series back in 3D. While it’s believed this was spurred by the monster success of Avatard (we’re sticking with it), a little jawa told us that upon hearing some self-proclaimed Star Wars fans still existed, Lucas vowed to seek them out, destroy their enthusiasm for the hokey franchise, and further diminish their will to live.

(10) HOT GOSSIP! Which editor and co-founder of Culture Blues and super-hot member of the glitterati was spotted at last night’s gala grand opening of Brooklyn’s first Arby’s restaurant? None other than jet-setting playboy at-large Jeff Hart! Hart, looking sharp in his $5,000 Ermenegildo Zegna Couture wool suit, even while gorging himself on three roast beef and cheddar sandwiches and a small order of southwest egg rolls, made time to speak with the local media. “A lot of my portfolio is tied up in Arby’s,” said Hart. “The success of the market fresh sandwich is what made me my first million.” Hart was later seen outside the Fulton Mall Foot Locker drinking a celebratory Andre toast with three Arby’s counter girls.

(9) In music news that set the blogosphere on fire, it was announced this week that The New Pornographers will be releasing their new album Together this May. Together will actually be the band’s fifth studio album and, if it is even half the album that 1998’s You Get What You Give was, it will likely shatter all sales records ever. Wait. What do you mean we’re confusing The New Pornographers with The New Radicals? Oh. We get it. And The New Pornographers are actually pretty good? Huh. Well, we’ll be damned. And here we were really looking forward to dropping the link to this annoying ass song. Oh well.  HERE IT IS AGAIN!

Christ, you're lame.

(8) We wouldn’t have figured a former indentured servant to that stuck-up super-wealthy Powell family would be such a right-leaning yahoo, but Scott Baio proved us wrong this week, much to the chagrin of former best friend and current California state senator Buddy Lembeck. Baio celebrated the Scott Brown win this week by orgasming all over his Twitter account and posting an insulting picture of Michelle Obama on the Bob Loblaw Law Blog. Under siege by death threats and accusations of racism, Baio did what any of us would do in that situation. Posted pictures of himself and his favorite black girlfriend! Sometimes, we really love Twitter.

(7) Talk about a bad day. Imagine: you’re 54 year old Australian Phil Jackson. You pack your lunch for work. You’ve got your vegemite sandwich, a little kangaroo jerky, noni juice, and a bag of cheese rings. Delicious cheese rings. You rip open the bag, preparing yourself for a heavy dose of cheesy goodness… but there's only one cheese ring! We can’t decide what’s better, Jackson’s use of the word “hurdy-gurdy” or the other, suspect stories that appear on this Rupert Murdoch owned news site.

(6) The pilot for that Walking Dead TV project we told you about back in August is about to go into production. Great to hear the project is progressing, but not much in the way of news otherwise. We’d just like to take the opportunity to tell all of our readers no matter who you are, or what your situation in life is, read The Walking Dead.

WTF, Spike. WTF.

(5) To prove to everyone that he hasn’t become a guy who just makes moody adaptations of children’s books and that’s he still totally crazy, Spike Jonze has directed I'm Here, a “robot love story.” The 30 minute short, which is presented in association with Absolut Vodka in a bit of unsettling commercialism that we’re going to turn a blind eye to, will premiere at Sundance. You’re definitely going to want to watch the trailer here.

(4) In some more Sundance news, Mark Ruffalo’s directorial debut Sympathy for Delicious will be screening there. The film appears to star Orlando Bloom in an honest to god dramatic role and looks pretty interesting. If it doesn’t pick up US distribution at the festival, we are officially declaring art dead.

(3) Stand up right now and do something or you’re going to die! At least that’s what Swedish scientists are reporting this week in some fancy British journal of medicine. The eggheads assert that sitting for more than four hours at a time can be hazardous to your health. Apparently, important glucose regulating genes in that soft-serve ice cream cone you call a body shut down when you sit around too long, causing heart problems, crippling depression, fat-assery, and eventually even death. So if you’re one of those pathetic desk-jockeys that stares at TPS reports all day, it looks like that daily trip to the gym just isn’t going to cut it anymore if you want to stay alive! You’re going to have to be the guy that does sit ups in his cubicle. And if you’re worried about the health of us here at the Culture Blues offices – don’t. Last month, we outfitted our whole place with hammocks. We do all our work lying down. We’ll never die!

We will own you and we will let you play with children.

(2) In a much needed bit of campaign finance reform, the Supreme Court ruled to change the limit on corporate spending for federal campaigns to infinity. We don’t vote here (Culture Blues has a strict policy forbidding all employees from participating in government and/or voting… for anything), but we’ve already been contacted by a number of politicians asking what they can do to open up our well-endowed (that’s right) coffers and sweep them to victory come election time. In order to make it easy, here’s a list: cushy government jobs in Hawaii, federal funding for our proposed Crazy Animal Petting Zoo, a .gov URL, membership in one of those classy cheese-in-a-can-of-the-month clubs, and of course, a “catch all” presidential pardon.

(1) Don “Moose” Johnson announced this week that he wants to start an all-white basketball league. In a word, awesome. Forget for a moment that in 2010 something like this can be a serious undertaking. Forget for a moment that Deke Copenhaver, Mayor of Augusta (a proposed charter city), was quoted as saying, “[I] could not support in good conscience bringing in a team that did not fit with the spirit of inclusiveness that I, along with many others, have worked so hard to foster in our city” when he could have just said “Wait? He wants to start a what? Ha. Now come on, next question”. Let’s forget all this for a moment. So you’re saying there’s a chance?? There hasn’t been this much excitement around the office since Billy Bob Thornton got to take down Halle Berry! We’re going to play basketball and finally someone is going to pass the ball to us! Jason: the keys are yours! To our readers: enjoy Culture Noir.

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart and Jason Arican contributed to this Countdown.

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3 Responses »

  1. Can someone please explain the context of that Lucas pic to me? Wow.

  2. Lucas had been sitting on top of a light saber beam for 4 hours, and Scott Baio, who had just read that Swedish science study, sent his best black buddy to save him.


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