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The Final Countdown: January 15th Edition

Let's face it:  All the people at this Golden Globes party are way more media savvy than you. They know things. They've experienced important entertainment milestones like Serpico and Hill Street Blues. You? You're a wreck; talking about The Richard Bey Show the Scary Movie franchise, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these history revering jerks with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.

You know it will be a smashing success because there is nothing the TV watching American public loves more than British humor!

(11) Because literally dozens of you have been begging us, Culture Blues will be live blogging the Golden Globes on Sunday night. So, if you're the kind of person that likes watching events simultaneously with people on the internet, stop on by! There will be nachos.

(10) Spider-Man is dead. Well, at least the trilogy of movies directed by Sam Raimi is dead as he walked away from Spider-Man 4 due to disagreements with Sony, and the studio has decided to reboot rather than go ahead with a Raimi-less continuation of the series. It’s disappointing that this historic series is coming to an end (Spider-Man came in at #27 on our list of Best Movies of the Decade), and that Spider-Man 3 will be the last of it (keep in mind, Sony’s meddling is what made that such a mess). On the other hand, Sony showed a small amount of class by deciding to start all over again. It will allow the Raimi series and this new one to stand apart from each other. The new series is probably going to pale in comparison to the original, especially with rumors circulating that Edward fucking Cullen is an early front runner to play the web slinger (pale… Edward Cullen… stay with us folks). But honestly, who cares about these movies when we are currently blessed with a Spider-Man cartoon that easily ranks among the greatest things ever.

(9) If you like being scared shitless that the New World Gestapo (aka the police) abuses their power in ways that put your freedom and health at risk, read this article about how Boston police have been using the law that is supposed to stop them from illegally wiretapping phone conversations to arrest citizens who record the potentially excessive actions of police officers on cell phones in the hopes of restoring some sense of accountability.

No no no. Fuck YOU!

(8) A couple weeks ago, in our People Who Died Last Decade List, one of our writers sort of took a shit all over Jerry Falwell. We felt a little bad about that – you know, speaking ill of the dead, blah blah blah. But then, Falwell super-friend, BDSM-buddy, and unfortunately still throbbing cancerous tumor on the prostate of humanity, Pat Robertson, went and opened his mouth, thus reminding us all what these holier-than-thou pricks are like. In case you haven’t clicked on that link yet, we’ll summarize:  Robertson is blaming the earthquake in Haiti on the Haitians century old deal with the devil. Of those voodoo loving Haitians, who by the way have spent the last hundred years living in a state of appalling poverty while various imperialists and dictators have robbed their country blind, Robertson said: “They got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.’ True story.” Except it’s not a true story, Pat! Just like everything in the Bible. We can’t wait to write about you when this decade ends, Pat.

(7) Today marks the Hughes brothers’ return to the world of cinema as The Book of Eli opens. It’s been nearly a decade since their last movie, From Hell, and that seems like a pretty lenient banishment considering how bad From Hell sucked. Seriously, it was terrible. But this new movie is already a cause for celebration as it’s given us reports that on set, when you tell Denzel Washington something he’s already been told (by you or anyone else for that matter), he will respond by yelling “38” a whole bunch of times. Why 38? Because he’s been in 38 movies, of course. This is fantastic. “Hey Denzel, The Pelican Brief was your biggest box office hit but it’s largely reviled by critics.” “38! 38!!”

(6) Adorably non-conformist or cloyingly quirky? It’s getting harder to tell as Wes Anderson accepts a Special Achievement award from the National Board of Review in the same medium as his most recent film, stop motion animation. Wes Anderson may be turning into one of his unrealistically maladjusted characters, but this is still one of the most entertaining acceptance speeches we’ve seen in years.

The cast of Tekken: The Movie.

(5) The first trailer for the live action video game adaptation Tekken is now online and it looks like it will admirably complete the holy trinity of fighting game movies (with Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat). If you’re not into that, maybe you should skip it. But there is cause for concern even for optimists like us. Where’s King? Where’s Paul Phoenix? Where’s the sexy Native American chick? Come on Tekken: The Movie, don’t disappoint us.

(4) Now that NBC is planning to go back to hour long dramas at 10 o’clock rather than an hour long block of badly told high pitched jokes, they’ve ordered a record number of pilots for the fall season. Of course, as this is the network that previously brought you sixteen variations of Law & Order, most of the pilots involve detectives and/or lawyers. So what are we rooting for? How about The Event? Brought to you by one of the producers of Medium (so far not so good), The Event follows the unraveling of the biggest conspiracy in American history. The conspiracy? Jay Leno has been making up the typos in Headlines all along. Imagine the unrest!

(3) We're not just pop culture critics here at Culture Blues, we're also amateur gourmands. We know most of our readers are twentysomething males which is why we're going to start offering easy recipes for the man on the go. The first: Taco Pizza Rolls. 1) Buy 40 pack of Totino's pizza rolls from Target (cost $5.95). 2) Bake at 425 for 10 minutes. 3) Let pizza rolls cool because you will burn your entire mouth and parts of your lips on the filling. 4) Dip rolls into taco sauce you picked up from the 14th St Taco Bell. 5) Enjoy a fiesta of self loathing.

It made us depressed all right. But not for the reasons you're thinking of.

(2) Are you suffering from crippling depression since seeing James Cameron’s massive blockbuster Avatar? Are you wishing you could be transported to that beautiful utopian planet of sexy blue aliens and military dudes trying to wipe them out? You aren’t alone! CNN is reporting that lame people all across the internet have been depressed since seeing Avatar revealed how meaningless all their lives are. This reminds us of how depressed we were at the end of Empire Records, when we realized that we’d never work at a record store, and that we were sort of attracted to Renee Zellwegger. But fear not, Avanerds! Cameron is making this bitch a trilogy.

(1) Here’s something to feel good about. This week, the Doomsday Clock got rolled back a minute. That’s right; the transition device from Watchmen is a real thing. Since the 40s, back when we blew up Japan, a bunch of scientists that can see the future have been keeping a symbolic watch on how close we are to destroying ourselves. Apparently, all the peaceniks that have taken power have given these gloom and doom eggheads something to feel optimistic about. Of course, the Doomsday Clock doesn’t take global warming, robots, or raptures into account. So, really, thanks for nothing guys.

Jeremiah White and Jeff Hart contributed to this Countdown.

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