Culture Blues

January Movie Primer

Welcome to Culture Blues’ monthly cinema primer! Every month, Jeff studies the next month’s slate of releases and ignorantly pre-judges them. His opinions are solely based on 15 minutes of IMDB research and trailers. Jeff has not seen any of these movies. You’re welcome.

With Oscar nominations coming out later this month, January is typically a month best spent catching up on the past year’s awards fare. The studios know this, which is why January is usually such a dreadful month for new movies, a veritable dumping ground for crap unworthy of release even in lowly February. Personally, I feel bad for these January movies, so I’ve decided to honor them with a bunch of January only Oscar nominations. Maybe I’ll even come back at the end of the month, once I’ve seen some of these, to pick winners. But I’ll probably be too busy downloading Invictus.

The envelope, please.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR/ACTRESS

Michael Cera’s Mustache, Youth in Revolt
As I’m going with only three nominees for each of my categories, I didn’t want to disrupt the male/female ratio here, so I decided to nominate Michael Cera’s mustache as it is not technically male, nor human. It also helps highlight the abrasive asshole side of Cera that we don’t get nearly enough of. God bless that wispy beast. 

Mila Kunis, The Book of Eli
Obviously Denzel and his surgical shotgun take up most of the ad time for The Book of Eli, so you might not even known that Mila Kunis is part of the post-apocalyptic romp. Kunis seems too adorable to take part in the dirty Eli, but I'm hoping we see some legitimate action starlet moves out of her and not just a lot of screaming and running in terror from Gary Oldman. Although who could blame her.

Doug Jones, Legion
You probably don’t know professional creepster Doug Jones by name, but you’d likely recognize him as Abe Sapien from Hellboy, or the Silver Surfer from Fantastic Four, or the weird-ass thing with the eyes on its hands from Pan’s Labyrinth. In evil angel flick Legion, Jones is the evil guy with the ice cream truck whose mouth gets all big and then scampers around on all fours. Jones is overdue for some recognition, and what better place than at the January Oscars?

 

BEST ACTRESS 

Amy Adams, Leap Year
Adams gets a nomination here based solely on the fact that she's in the biggest chick flick of the month. Wasn't Adams once supposed to be like a serious actress to watch? Remember Junebug and Doubt? Whatever. Anyway, she stars in Leap Year, which is basically a rip-off of the '85 John Cusack and Daphne Zuniga classic The Sure Thing (all couples road trip movies are a rip-off of The Sure Thing). It's probably not Adams’ fault that’s she’s starring in this tripe. If January is an accurate sampling there aren't a lot of parts for women these days that don't involve mooning over some Irish dude (or the guy from Las Vegas). A girl’s gotta get paid.

Erin Cummings, Bitch Slap
You should probably bail on this article right now to go watch the trailer for Bitch Slap. Cummings plays a character nicknamed “The Sexbomb” in part of a trio that also includes “The Stripper” and “The Psycho-Slut.” More on this later.

Kristen Bell, When In Rome
Bell makes the field despite selling out her indie cred and Veronica Mars fanboys to cash a giant Disney check thanks to the strength of her supporting cast. In When In Rome, Bell unleashes some horrific Italian curse that makes dudes fall hopelessly in love with her. So who is on the Disney boilerplate with her? Danny DeVito, Dax Sheppard, and Will Arnett in a wig. Sold.

 

BEST ACTOR

Matthew Broderick, Wonderful World
I'm giving Broderick a nod because he's finally proved to the world that he can grow a beard (sort of). In Wonderful World, the newly scruffy Broderick plays a cynical intellectual jerk that eventually finds redemption in the arms of an understanding Sengalese woman. It's a surefire bet that he learns to love again. Regardless, it might be nice to see Broderick playing a character that looks like how I imagine a grown up Ferris Bueller would’ve turned out. Also, Omar from The Wire costars, so it’s got that going for it.

Mel Gibson, Edge of Darkness
He’s off the blacklist, everybody! Mel Gibson is back! And he’s amping up the badass quotient in Edge of Darkness which, by the way, is directed by Martin Campbell (Casino Royale, the upcoming Green Lantern) and written by William Monahan (The Departed), so it might actually be good. I decided to overlook his weird Boston-by-way-of-Australia accent during the nominating process, because Gibson looks like he’s going to seriously tear shit up in this movie. “I’m the guy that’s got nothing to lose,” he says. And also, “You betta decide whether you want to be hangin’ from the cross or poundin’ in the nails.” And that’s just from the trailer! You guys remember what happened last time someone messed with Mel’s kid, right?

Harrison Ford, Extraordinary Measures
It's Harrison Ford's meatiest role since Hollywood Homicide! If you've watched any TV in the last month, then you've probably seen the schizophrenic ad campaign for Extraordinary Measures. It's gone from some sweet family disease drama to an overwrought political thriller in the space of a few weeks. Anyway, in spite of how awful this looks, I'm giving Ford a nod based on his past work. It would’ve been Brendan Fraser, but he was disqualified for Monkeybone.

 

BEST DIRECTOR

Scott Stewart, Legion
Get used to hearing Scott Stewart's name. The former special effects guru's directorial career is set to blow up, first with Legion and then later this summer with vampire hunting priest movie Priest (also starring BFF Paul Bettany). Frankly, I'm a fan of anyone that can get the religious all riled up. A writer from “The End Time” at Blogspot (I won’t post the link, but you can look it up), writes of Stewart; “Not surprisingly, the director doesn't believe in satan and doesn't believe in hell. But it is equally obvious that satan believes in him.” Well, at least someone believes in Legion.

Michael Haneke, The White Ribbon
Haneke is the only director with any artistic clout working this month (technically White Ribbon slipped into limited release on 12/30, but I'm letting that slide). In his latest provocation, Haneke promises shockingly brutal violence, long takes of torture, and probably like 20 minutes of Naomi Watts crying while tied up on the floor (even though she's not in the movie). Enjoy!

Tim Allen, Crazy on the Outside
Tim Allen makes his directorial debut (those episodes of Tool Time don't count, and anyway Al Borland really carried him) with this indie comedy about a dude (also Tim Allen) recently released from prison. It's a subject close to Allen's heart, but it likely won't' bring him home the January Oscar. Sorry.

 

BEST PICTURE

Daybreakers
Here's a timely reminder that vampires aren't all lip gloss and body glitter. Daybreakers is a brilliant sci-fi horror high concept (vampires farming humans), with the added bonus of Ethan Hawke and Willem Dafoe. It should be some welcome escapism in a month of staid Oscar fare and otherwise crappy movies.

Youth in Revolt
Easily the Best Picture front runner (we actually honor comedies at the January Oscars), Youth in Revolt has a lot going for it. A hard R, Michael Cera playing something besides a wide-eyed milquetoast (for milquetoast fans, he plays that role too), and excellent source material. Surely the cant-miss for the month.

Bitch Slap
This looks awesome. A B-movie send-up from writer/director Rick Jacobson who made a name for himself directing syndicated TV favorites like Baywatch and Xena: Warrior Princess, Bitch Slap looks like an amazing mash-up of Sin City and She Spies (which Jacobson has also directed), with a softcore porn sensibility. If you’re reading this and you don’t live in New York, Los Angeles, or San Francisco, then you’re probably not going to catch this when it sneaks out in limited release. You’ll just have to satisfy yourself with the trailer. I’ve already watched it about a dozen times. That dude making the crazy face with the uzi gets better every time.

That’s all for your January Oscar nominations. The Primer will return in February when love shall be in the air, and also werewolves and yuppies stuck on ski lifts.

Tagged as: bitch slap, daybreakers, january oscars, legion, michael cera, mustache, people eating angels, tim allen, tool time, youth in revolt