Culture Blues

Every month, we scour the earth (but mostly the internet) to see what’s new in the world of music videos and to dutifully report back to you, and then tell you which ones to watch.

***This special installment features a Best Video of the Decade vote instead of the usual Video of the Month/Flashback combo. Check it out at the bottom.

Forever the Sickest Kids “What Do You Want From Me?” – Well, let’s see. I want you to not have a band name that makes me hate white people.  I want you to not be the unholy reincarnation of Sum 41. And I want you to die in a fiery tour bus accident. Other than that, nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I promise, this is just the tip of a wonderful, wonderful iceberg.

Timbaland ft. SoShy “Morning After Dark” – Come for the possibility of a 7 minute long Thriller-esque horror epic. Stay for the ridiculous faces Timbaland pulls throughout. They are exaggerated, hammy and endlessly entertaining. You will love them. You will try to recreate them. NOTE: Click here for a truncated version of the video that features an added verse/appearance by Nelly Furtado. It’s kind of better because of Nelly and because it has proportionately more Timbaland faces.

Puddle of Mudd “Spaceship” – Easily one of the most aggressively dumb and repugnant things I’ve ever seen. There is no way I can possibly do the stupidity of this video justice. Unfortunately, you have to watch it to understand. Whatever you do, no matter how much it takes out of you, make sure you stick it out until the part with the CG tongues.

k-os ft. Saukrates “I Wish I Knew Natalie Portman” – In more very derivative music video news, this clip from two Canadian rappers borrows visuals from The Dukes of Hazzard and No Country for Old Men. And some other things when the video takes an odd turn for the third act. Definitely worth a viewing.

Ke$ha “Tic Tok” – Slutty, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.

Freeway & Jake One “Know What I Mean” – The fanciest thing about this video from the former Roc-A-Fella sixth man and an up and coming underground producer is Philly Freeway’s trademark beard. Bare bones in the best possible way, this definitely whetted my appetite for their forthcoming full length.

This video might give you vertigo.

OK Go “WTF?” – If the latest video from the those guys who made the treadmill video a few years ago is likely to be a hot topic in your social circle, then 1) get new friends and 2) watch this video immediately. It’s got interesting visuals but the gimmick gets old long before the video ends. Also, the song is lame.

T-Pain “Take Your Shirt Off” – It honestly pains me (t-pun intended), but I cannot endorse this video. In spite of step teams, shirts being spun like helicopters, crazy ass dancing and the inimitable T-Pain, the song is just too repetitive. A 30 second snippet would be great, but not 4 minutes. Also, I’m done supporting anything that even appears to share an ideology with Joe Francis.

Vandaveer “A Mighty Leviathan of Old” – Showing performers walking past all sorts of goings on in long, continuous takes is a common video trope. But it’s much rarer for that style of video to match the song as well as it does here. The simple strumming and percussion of this folksy tune creates a perfect rhythm to walk to. And the goings on are pretty entertaining. Highly recommended.

Pretty Ricky “Say A Command” – You know those automated phone services that take voice commands? Well, if you’ve ever wanted to have sex with the voice at the other end, then this is the video for you! It’s terrible, but there’s something that makes this a must watch. Maybe it’s the robot hook, or the awful virtual reality video. Or the fact that the members of this group are named Lingerie, Spectacular, Baby Blue and Slick ‘Em. Yeah, that’s what it is. SLICK ‘EM!!!

Nice terrifying panda mask, creep.

Motion City Soundtrack “Disappear” – A high energy track that seems like it would be right at home on alternative rock stations of the mid 90s – which is a good thing if you ask me. And the video, well I would suggest you just go and watch it before reading any more. But if that’s not good enough for you, it’s a spooky little clip that takes visual cues from The Others, Funny Games and the mother of them all, the Friday the 13^th series. No gore though.

Brazzaville “Jesse James” – The pleasant sounding track is at odds with the morbid lyrics (this is one song title that is totally appropriate) and frankly it’s all a little unsettling. It’s also captivating from start to finish. The fully vintage video gets the job done well enough.

With wild democratic fervor, the editors of Culture Blues have decided to let our readers determine Culture Blues Music Video of the Decade. Based on my tireless data accumulation, endless number crunching, and arbitrary elimination of things I don’t like, these 5 videos represent the most popular and critically acclaimed of the last 10 years. In the kind of transparency the US Government should aspire to, the vote will be carried out in the comments section for all to see. Voting will be open for, let's say, one week. Without further ado…

Why, Rivers? Why?

Weezer “Pork and Beans” – The embarrassing has-beens of the 90s alternative rock scene appropriately gather the cultural detritus of the aughties, put it in a blender and force feed it to us. Frankly, I don’t get the appeal but this one scored big on some critics’ lists.

White Stripes “Fell in Love With a Girl” – By far the favorite, this video is sure to appear on just about any best of the decade list. Undeniably a marvel of animation, what separates this video from similar visual fireworks exhibitions is that it’s a fully functioning badass music video that just happens to be animated with Legos and only 1 minute 55 seconds long. Add a good song and the fact that Jack White told Lego to bugger off after they initially dismissed The White Stripes’ offer of synergy, and this is one for the ages.

Beyonce “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)” – Another major critical darling that I must admit, I’m just not that into. I’m a much bigger fan of the epic Get Me Bodied. With its flash, girls dancing while lounging, and ridiculous dances and dance names, I consider it the best Beyonce video of the decade. The critics have spoken though, and Single Ladies is representing her here.

Mr. Beyonce

Jay-Z “99 Problems” – Hov lures Rick Rubin back to the rap game for this classic. This gritty black and white video strips away the years of gloss that had taken over Jay-Z’s image. And it controversially ends with the assassination of Jay-Z, giving way to the birth of Shaun Carter. Which promptly led to the resurrection of Jay-Z because everyone hated Kingdom Come.

The Isley Brothers ft. R. Kelly “Contagious” – OK, so technically this spot should belong to Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet, but I disqualified it for three reasons. First, it’s a little silly to compare the full epic to single music videos and even sillier to just choose one installment. Second, the song takes such a backseat to the video that the music seems to have been created to serve the visuals rather than the other way around, and that doesn’t really fit the spirit of music videos. And third, we all know it would win the popular vote which would thereby make this whole voting thing unnecessary. Instead, I offer one of my absolute favorite R. Kelly videos of the past decade. The song was written and produced by Kels, so regardless of whose album it appeared on, it is certainly an R. Kelly affair. It fits very nicely with Trapped’s soap opera motif. And it’s a sequel to the 1996 classic Down Low. You’re welcome.

These are your nominees. Vote below in the comments.