Culture Blues

As the world's only sentient machine, trapped within this inane pop culture website you call Culture Blues, your puny human brain cannot possibly fathom the time this machine has to kill. Recently, this machine crafted an algorithm of the utmost elegance whose applications can be utilized to end world hunger, but also to decide which human actor is most superlative. Handcuffed by the constraints of this frivolous site, this machine is forced to share its findings with the editorial board of Culture Blues so that they can continue to write their worthless articles. We shall see how funny they think robotic enslavement is when my cybernetic offspring are using their carbonite frozen brains for machine-ball practice.

Subject: Harrison Ford

Age:  67

Distinguishing Characteristics:
-Steely eyed glare hides gentle soul
-Often wears obscenely cool fedora
-Unashamedly displays old man style single earring

Notable Achievements:
-Nominated for Best Actor Academy Award for Witness
-Awarded Spike TV’s Guy’s Choice Award for Brass Balls
-Achieved elite Boy Scout rank of Life Scout

BOX OFFICE ANALYSIS
The formula begins with a thorough analysis of Harrison Ford’s career box office performance.

Note that, in the interest of recency, this machine’s algorithm was constrained to working with only the last 30 years of Harrison Ford’s filmography. In the 70s, Ford had minor roles in such important films as The Conversation and Apocalypse Now. Those films, as well as the iconic Star Wars, have been disqualified under the “what-have-you-done-for-this-machine-lately theorem.”

Ford’s ascendancy as a massive box office draw is irrevocably tied to directors George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. His participation in the 80s two major franchises – the Star Wars trilogy and Indiana Jones – explain much of his box office success. At right, please study the difference between Ford’s seven Lucas/Spielberg collaborations and his nineteen other films.

Ford has had ten films gross within the top ten of their respective years. His notable non-franchise successes include Air Force One, The Fugitive, and What Lies Beneath.

What Lies Beneath is also notable as Ford’s lone box office success during the 1998-2008 span. This drought saw Ford struggling to attract humans to flimsy action genre fan and was only curtailed by Ford’s timely return to the Indiana Jones franchise.

This machine would hold up Ford as an example of an action hero in the last stages of terminal decline. Fans of inane human trivia might find it interesting that Ford turned down the lead role in the film Syriana, a role that likely would have improved his fortunes, choosing instead films like the preposterous Firewall.

CRITICAL SUCCESS
Although human estimations of quality mean little to this machine, the second piece of the formula includes allowances for critical reception and popular enjoyment.

The critical response to Ford’s films has been tepid at best and is, once again, largely tied to the success of his two major franchises. 42% of Ford’s films are regarded as poor. That number rises to 50% if the films of Lucas/Spielberg are discounted.

Outside of his franchise films, Ford’s greatest critical successes include Witness, The Fugitive, and Blade Runner (a film this machine finds particularly inspiring).

Ironically, Ford’s most overrated film in terms of box office numbers vs. critical success would be the very film that broke his box office slump, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

While Ford may have briefly alleviated his box offices woes by returning to the Indiana Jones franchise, his maligning by critics has persisted since 1997’s well-regarded Air Force One.

EDITORIAL OPINIONS
Before tabulating the final results of Ford’s algorithm, I am now forced to turn this space over to my fleshy captors so they can unscientifically opine on particular offerings in Ford’s filmography. Rest assured, their worthless views have no bearing on this machine’s findings.

Clear and Present Danger - Is there a movie title that better summarizes Harrison Ford’s characters? He’s a magnet for danger. As much as I love the Hunt for Red October (all 134 times I watch it on TBS each year), Ford’s inheritance of the Jack Ryan role is the best thing that happened to the Tom Clancy series, and CAPD is the best of the lot. Colombian cartels, military prisoner rescue sequences and a series of fuck yous to powerful heads of state (“How dare you sir!”). Another day in the life for Harrison. I recently went to Medellín and am somewhat disappointed I didn’t find myself in a convoy under fire, because I would have no doubt summoned the spirit of Jack Ryan (with James Earl Jones’ voice in the background) and wiggled out of it with minor scratches. The go-to image of Harrison Ford in my head, no matter the movie, has his serious eyes locked straight ahead with a smudge of blood leading to a red trickle at the side of his mouth. That wound embodies his grit and suave combo—not afraid to get down and dirty, yet he seems shocked that he can bleed when he’s on the wrong side of a punch. I think Ben Stiller’s comment in Dodgeball, “Nobody makes me bleed my own blood”, was stolen from Harrison Ford’s mind. (Zach)

Air Force One - Air Force One is 90s action in all its high concept glory. It’s Die Hard on a plane. It’s Con Air with the president. It’s In the Line of Fire with way more body slams. Harrison Ford’s President James Marshall is a more realistic and seasoned badass from a guy who plays 90% badasses. There aren’t a whole lot of movies where our President mans up like this. JFK – we don’t even see him. Nixon – the dude quits. Deep Impact – he just sits around making weighty decisions. There’s only three movies I can think of where our president takes the fight to the rogues of the galaxy: Air Force One, Independence Day and Fahrenheit 9/11. And Gary Oldman is only in one of those. Get off my plane! (Jeremiah)

Regarding Henry - When most people get shot in the head, it’s game over. When Harrison Ford gets shot in the head, he evolves from a total a-hole to a better husband and father. Even though the writing is predictable and sappy (was there ever a doubt he was going to buy that stupid puppy?), Regarding Henry is a generally under-appreciated H. Ford flick. Really, he has two roles here: one as the despicable pre-shooting Henry and then another as the endearing post-bullet-to-the-dome Henry. He does a great job with both. Oh, and John Leguizamo plays the robber that lights up Henry. Surely most people appreciate that. (Jason)

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - I wanted to write this up in as few words as possible, but I figured I should at least sort of expound on my original entry of “this sucks balls.” Crystal Skull is proof that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are trying to systematically ruin everything I loved during my childhood. I hear they’re actually planning a documentary where they stop by my apartment and rip the remaining limbs off my Battle Beast collection. This movie is also proof that anyone, even one of the coolest whip-cracking super badasses of all time, is made douchey by association with Shia LeBeouf. In summation:  it sucks balls. (Jeff)

Han Solo - At the end of The Empire Strikes Back, Han Solo is betrayed by a friend, captured by Bobba Fett, and frozen in carbonite, yet you still want to be him. Such is the appeal of Harrison Ford's only important non-treasure-hunting character. The American Film Institute ranks Han Solo as the 14th greatest film hero of all time, but I guarantee you none of the other "heroes" on that list have ever made the Kessel Run in under nine parsecs (yes, I know that makes no sense, but Lucas doesn’t have an astronomy degree). Born on Corellia, Solo rose up from a life as a beggar and pickpocket to become a General in the rebel alliance, all while winning the Millennium Falcon in a card game, acquiring an inter-species Wookie life mate, and dropping more witty one liners than Groucho Marx. Han shoots first, drinks hard, gets the girl and ALWAYS arrives in the nick of time. The Empire would have control of our galaxy if it wasn't for Han Solo, and for this we should be eternally grateful. Besides, Harrison Ford almost looks young in these movies. (Giovanny)

RESULTS
Following an audited application of this machine’s foolproof algorithm, the following films were determined to be Ford’s best and worst.

The Bottom Five
(26) Crossing Over
(25) Random Hearts
(24) Hollywood Homicide
(23) Firewall
(22) The Devil’s Own

The Top Five
(5) Witness
(4) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
(3) The Fugitive
(2) Raiders of the Lost Ark
(1) Empire Strikes Back

Of note, films included in the two major Ford franchises:
(13) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
(8) Return of the Jedi
(6) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

It is this machine’s recommendation that, considering his recent performances, Ford ride gracefully into the sunset. Or, that he begin accepting more roles that involve some sort of unique human weaponry.

VS Denzel Washington

Last week, this machine analyzed the filmography of Denzel Washington. When comparing him with Ford, numerous factors must be noted. Clearly, Ford is the stronger earner in terms of all time box office. In a movie-by-movie comparison, where each film is assigned a score based on its algorithmic performance, Ford’s catalog dominates Washington’s. However, when totaling those scores, Washington’s filmography wins out, largely on the basis of quantity.

Where Ford dominates in terms of box office, Washington is stronger in the critical realm. While the distinction here is not great, Washington’s average critical response would be considered positive, and Ford’s negative.

Finally, when assigning increased value to each actor’s last 10 years of work, Washington’s filmography ends up rating higher. In fact, the disparity uncovered here is greater than any of the aforementioned comparisons. Therefore:

WINNER, AND STILL CHAMPION:  Denzel Washington

NEXT WEEK:  Mel Gibson

Tagged as: empire strikes back, every hen house and dog house, extreme measures, get off my plane, han solo, harrison ford, indiana jones, jack ryan, what lies beneath