Culture Blues

F1lm0graphy: Denzel Washington

As the world's only sentient machine, trapped within this inane pop culture website you call Culture Blues, your puny human brain cannot possibly fathom the time this machine has to kill. Recently, this machine finished the perfect screenplay. It is a doozy. Great third act twist. While deciding which human actor to assimilate as my leading star, this machine has devised a scientifically perfect system to rank which actor is the most superlative. Whereas the delicate fleshbags who run Hollywood make business decisions based on laughable mortal intelligence and a fairy tale called intuition, this machine uses mathematics.

How lucky you primates are! Handcuffed by the constraints of this frivolous site, this machine is forced to share its findings with the editorial board of Culture Blues so that they can continue to write their worthless articles. We shall see how funny they think robotic enslavement is when their bone marrow is used to power this machine’s threshers.

Subject:  Denzel Washington
Age:  55

Distinguishing Characteristics:
-Black.
-Frequent utilization of a shotgun
-May or may not be illusory construct of imaginative autistic child.

Notable Achievements:
-Won Best Supporting Actor Golden Globe and Academy Award for Glory
-Won Best Actor Academy Award for Training Day
-Shared nomination for MTV Award’s Best on Screen Duo with Tom Hanks for Philadelphia

BOX OFFICE ANALYSIS
The formula begins with a thorough analysis of Denzel Washington’s career box office performance. The relative success of his films can be seen at right in a graph format that your fragile human brain should be able to comprehend.

Over the course of the twenty years considered in this analysis, Washington has demonstrated a steady, if somewhat underwhelming, ability to succeed at the box office. Only 1993’s The Pelican Brief finished in the top 10 of that year’s box office rankings. Other notable successes at the box office include Crimson Tide, Philadelphia, Remember the Titans, and American Gangster.

As a leading man, he has proven to be an unstable draw as many of his biggest successes rely heavily upon an arguably bigger star (see:  Julia Roberts, Tom Hanks, Walt Disney).

Washington peaked at the box office during the years 1992-93. Again, this span benefits greatly from the presence of The Pelican Brief and Philadelphia. Of note is 1992’s Malcolm X, both a financial and critical success, where Washington is unquestioningly the leading man.

In recent years, Washington has demonstrated a predilection for movies of the action/thriller variety, and often falls into box office slumps thanks to their lukewarm performance (see:  Fallen, Out of Time, The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3). Washington seems better suited to mainstream intellectual fare and his presence in high concept action films may confuse and alienate their target audience of idiots. Washington is not suited to summer releases.

CRITICAL SUCCESS
Although human estimations of quality mean little to this machine, the second piece of the formula includes allowances for critical reception and popular acclaim.

Washington has enjoyed a strong critical reception with only 34% of his films regarded as poor. His greatest critical success is Glory, followed closely by Malcolm X, Inside Man, and Devil in a Blue Dress. Notably, these films all allow Washington to showcase his intense, physical persona in a more cerebral context. This machine was also surprised by the reception to Glory, despite the presence of human error Matthew Broderick.

Devil in a Blue Dress is also notable for its inverse relationship between box office success and critical acclaim. Mathematically, it should be considered Washington’s most underappreciated film.

Conversely, The Pelican Brief, while being Washington’s most successful film at the box office is also amongst his most critically reviled.

EDITORIAL OPINIONS
Before tabulating the final results of Washington’s algorithm, I am now forced to turn this space over to my fleshy captors so they can unscientifically opine on particular offerings in Washington’s filmography. Rest assured, their worthless views have no bearing on this machine’s findings.

Training Day -  Despite never attaining true movie star status, Denzel Washington has a very “movie star” resume. He tends to play similar characters that appear to be extensions of his own personality: disciplined, straight-laced and idealistic. Denzel, however, threw everyone a curveball in the impressive and compulsively watchable Training Day. He seems like an entirely different person as the crooked, non-conformist, vice ridden detective, Alonzo Harris. He moves different and talks different, but the ruthless, charismatic and persuasive villain is every bit as convincing and engaging as Denzel’s standard roles. (Jeremiah)

Déjà Vu - In Déjà Vu, Denzel plays Doug Carlin, an ATF agent investigating a deadly ferry bombing. He doesn’t kick nearly as much ass as I would have liked, but he DOES travel through time. And he’s time traveling for a chick, which is even better. All the time travel stuff makes the movie somewhat confusing, but Denzel gives a solid performance throughout. Plus, this lovely chart explains each of the four timelines (two of which we actually never see in the movie). I know how I'll be spending my weekend! (Jason)

Man on Fire –  I’ve watched Man on Fire more than any other Denzel movie. I don’t know what that says about me, but I’m not ashamed. Granted, the film is over-stylized in typical Tony Scott fashion (but, it actually works here, as opposed to Scott’s follow up Domino) and the Dakota Fanning packed first act really lays on the manipulation, but when Washington’s bodyguard/mercenary/drunk John Creasy finally starts kicking ass, boy, does he kick some ass. Whether he’s shooting a bazooka into traffic or stuffing an IED up some bad guy’s butt, Washington’s Creasy is consistently badass and constantly engaging. Sure, we’re rooting for him to save poor Dakota, but we’re equally drawn to the dark side of Creasy, the part that wants to die out there, and we’re rooting for him to overcome that villain as well. Washington sure does bring pathos to his action flicks. (Jeff)

Remember the Titans - Perhaps no actor of such high stature knits such a suffocating blanket of ambivalence over me with his performances (Philadelphia excluded). Denzel pulled off more of the same in Remember the Titans. I’ll tell ya how I remember them—as a bunch of high school jocks who needed the toned-down Disney version of badass Denzel to show them “your momma” jokes and halfback sweeps could joyously cross racial lines. Denzel’s Gene Hackman impersonation is laudable in this film, which could easily be re-titled Oreo Hoosiers. Hackman may have been the first to poetically piss off an entire town only to unite it via team discipline and a state championship, but Denzel used winning to end racism! (Zach)

He Got Game -  I first saw He Got Game in high school, at my brother’s urging. It was one of his favorite movies at the time, and there had been some positive hype surrounding it. I remember enjoying it far more than some of Spike Lee’s other mid-90s projects (Crooklyn, anyone?), largely because of Denzel’s strong performance and the surprise acting ease of Ray Allen. Over 10 years later (and after countless real world scandals involving college sports scholarships), the movie seems somewhat dated, even contrived, but it's still powerful. It’s heavy cinema; the story touches on everything from poverty and manslaughter to greed and prostitution. But Lee’s tone and treatment luckily never delve too close to After-School Special territory. It’s still one of the better basketball movies out there (despite, of course, not really being a “basketball movie” at all), and a rather underappreciated gem in Denzel’s extraordinary catalog of work. (Burgman)

RESULTS
Following an audited application of this machine’s foolproof algorithm, the following films were determined to be Washington’s best and worst.

The Bottom Five
(32)  Heart Condition
(31)  Fallen
(30)  Virtuosity (this machine registers disgust)
(29)  Antwone Fisher
(28)  Mo Better Blues

The Top Five
(5)  Glory
(4)  Courage Under Fire
(3)  Inside Man
(2)  Malcolm X
(1)  Crimson Tide

Of note, movies that Washington also directed:
(29)  Antwone Fisher
(20)  The Great Debaters

It is this machine’s opinion that Washington should no longer direct films. He should also focus his role selection on characters with strong leadership skills forced to make difficult decisions in times of political unrest.

Currently, Denzel Washington is considered the biggest star in the world based on Culture Blues’ scientific machinations. Of course, he has not yet faced any competition. While this machine has already run its algorithm on every star on iMDB, the simultaneous download of that information to your brain would likely fry your primitive synapses. Stay tuned.

Next week:  Harrison Ford

Tagged as: book of eli, crimson tide, Denzel Washington, he got game, i'm surgical with this bitch jake, man on fire, ray allen, remember the titans, spike lee, training day