Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

The Final Countdown: December 4th Edition

Let's face it:  All the people at this party are way cooler than you. They know things. They're capable of substantive conversation about what's going on in the world. You? You're a wreck; a sweaty, stammering mess of non-sequitors, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious jerks with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.

(11) Some Italian scientists have found that red wine may help protect your teeth from harmful bacteria. OH REALLY?!? The Italians have discovered more good things about red wine, huh? And we bet vodka cures cancer, right Russia? Skepticism aside, purple stained teeth certainly don’t look all that healthy. But, we guess this explains why our aunt brought a box of Merlot to Thanksgiving. She just doesn’t want us to get fillings.

Together again

Together again

(10) Hey – do you guys want to see a clip of Will Arnett cussing a lot and also David Cross? Then maybe you should check out this three minute sample from Channel 4’s The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret. After your Arrested Development reunion induced boner has deflated, maybe you could help us figure out what the hell Channel 4 is. We’ve been trying to get it to come in on our digital TVs for hours, but all we get is that crappy NBC station and Olympic reruns.

(9) On Tuesday’s show, Howard Stern revealed that he has been randomly selected as a member of the this year’s Screen Actors Guild Awards nominating committee. He then proceeded to detail how he was making his selections based solely on which hopefuls have appeared on his show. Stern proved unable to follow his own rule and admitted to selecting people for many other reasons, including getting dumped by Sean Penn, sending him a wedding gift, being nice to him at a party, and having a spouse recently pass away. While his staff argued about how good a friend of Stern’s show some of his selections were, it became clear his choices were based on pretty much anything except for the films. Geez, when did the SAG awards turn into the Oscars?

(8) On this site, Jeremiah White recently made a case for a less reactionary, more understanding approach to film remakes. And then the studios had to go and fuck it all up. Apparently Universal is dead set on remaking Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. It’s going to be directed by the guy who made the Last House On The Left remake and it’s going to be produced by Douche-a-tron himself Michael Bay. Universal, no one is going to accept you remaking one of the most iconic films by one of the most highly revered filmmakers ever. And having it produced by someone who couldn’t adequately bring an 80s cartoon to the big screen (box office receipts be damned!). At least producers Brad Fuller and Andrew Form had the good sense to walk away due to the fact that they know they’ll get destroyed online for even attempting the remake and cause, you know, birds make pretty lame movie villains.

What the fuck is all this shit about me cussing too much? I was just wearinr my hooker dres trying to get some hard cock down at the pier and I told those motherfuckers to shove it up their stinky asses. Horses!

What the fuck is all this shit about me cussing too much? I was just wearing my hooker dress trying to get some hard cock down at the pier and I told those motherfuckers to shove it up their stinky asses. Horses!

(7) This just in from the White Trash News Network – Hannah Montana doll teaches 3-year old girl how to curse. We’re outraged! Actually, we’re not. The fact that this story was even worth reporting on the local news in Miami sort of boggles the mind. The Hannah doll is clearly saying “pumpkin pie” and not “fucking pie” – no matter how much better the latter would be. As for the angry mom contending otherwise, well, we don’t like to judge here on Culture Blues (we love to judge), but we’ve got a theory forming on where her kid might’ve heard phrases like “fucking” and “I’m drunk, drive yourself to school.”

(6) Switzerland’s role as the European goody-two-shoes took a severe hit recently when the populace voted in favor of a national law banning the construction of minarets. Apparently the Swiss are everybody’s friend, except Muslims. We commend them for finally growing some cojones and weighing in on significant issues again. However, going from 0 to bigots in a matter of minutes seems ill-advised.

(5) One largely ignored aspect of the NBC sale to cable TV operator Comcast is that Comcast will gain part ownership of Hulu. Cable companies are the group most threatened by the free internet TV fad. In fact, this might be the only reason Comcast is willing to take NBC off GE's hands. Fellow Hulu owner Rupert Murdoch has been looking for a way to make more money off the streaming TV site for a while now. With Comcast onboard, that initiative will only gain momentum. Guys, don't make us go back to downloading everything on the torrents. It takes up valuable hard drive space and exposes us to possible litigation.

Better than heroes

Better than Heroes

(4) And as that sale approaches, is NBC finally listening to its audience? It appears that the general public’s “not watching” campaign and the more radical “let’s watch and then relentlessly ridicule online” movement may have finally convinced NBC to end Heroes. Word is that everybody’s least favorite show about people with superpowers may actually be in its last season. Seriously, who still watches Heroes? Power Rangers RPM is ten times better.

(3) You know what we hate? Blu Ray. Lots of other stuff too, but definitely Blu Ray. And we especially don't like the studios trying to force people to switch to Blu Ray by making their DVDs less appealing. First, they tried releasing the Blu Ray of Bolt (I'll get my ball) two days before the DVD. Now, they’re releasing a Terminator: Salvation DVD far inferior to the Blu Ray. The DVD contains nothing but the subpar movie that you didn't see in theaters, while the Blu Ray boasts a Director's Cut as well as fascinating behind the scenes featurettes that explain just how they made such a spectacularly subpar movie. We're going to get off our high horse for a minute to talk more about this “Director's Cut.” Director McG previously claimed it would be 30-40 minutes longer, but it's actually about 2 minutes longer (there will be a longer version in the future, you read it here first). And the one scene that everyone is talking about involves some sideboob from Moon Bloodgood. Yeah, that's how they are trying to sell you a $200 Blu Ray player now. Sideboob. Avoid buying a Blu Ray by just watching the deleted scene here (and read about how much of a wanker McG is).

Even if you give him all your fruit and bread, he's still taking the car.

Even if you give him all your fruit and bread, he's still taking the car.

(2) South Africa’s high crime rate has bled into the primate world. A spike in baboon crime could not come at a worse time, as the 2010 World Cup nears. The increasingly aggressive creatures are just one of many topics heating the controversy surrounding the host nation. We here at Culture Blues urge FIFA to incorporate baboon ringleader ‘Fred’ into the disciplinary action they are considering against French striker Thierry Henry for his malicious handball in the World Cup qualifying game against Ireland.

(1) This week, the New York State Senate voted down a bill that would have extended marriage rights to same-sex couples by a vote of 38-24. Way to go, New York. In case you’re wondering, the state senator for the New York arm of Culture Blues, Eric Adams, was part of the rational minority that had enough backbone to stand up for equal rights. We’re honored to have him representing us, even if we did just find out who he was this morning (thanks Google). Meanwhile, a Republican adviser had this to say following the vote: “Several Republicans wanted to vote for this. But those Republicans aren’t willing to take a tough political vote when the bill has no chance of passage. And that’s the political reality.” That’s why we elect leaders, right? We want them to represent us and, as they typically go quiet when their opinion is unpopular or kowtow to whoever is swinging the biggest wallet, they actually do a good job of capturing the essence of the average American constituent. Sometimes, though, it’s important to lead by example rather than cowardice. Take, for example, state senator Diane Savino.

Jeff Hart, Zach Falk and Jeremiah White contributed to this Countdown.

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1 Responses »

  1. #10 is awesome