Culture Blues

The Final Countdown: December 11th Edition

Let's face it:  All the people at this party are way cooler than you. They know things. They're capable of substantive conversation about what's going on in the world. You? You're a wreck; a sweaty, stammering mess of non-sequitors, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious jerks with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.

(10) Let’s start this Countdown off with some shameless self promotion! If you’re one of those wrinkled fuddy-duddies that still reads things in print, and if you’re also the kind of pretentious snob that might be interested in perusing a literary journal, then you should check out the latest issue of The Literary Review where Culture Blues regular Jeff Hart has a story featured. He even name checks Culture Blues in his “about the author,” probably because his life is so empty and sad and his writing career so unsuccessful that he has nothing better to mention. If that didn’t sell you, we don’t know what will.

See girl, only thing I'm tryin' to establish with you is not who's right or who's wrong but what's right and what's wrong real talk.

(9) What was R. Kelly doing all of those hours he was trapped in the closet? Well, it depends on what closet we’re talking about.  But assuming it wasn’t the closet of a children’s daycare or an elementary school, it turns out he was writing his memoirs. The “Ignition” singer released a statement this week saying he is working on his autobiography. It’s not exactly a match made in heaven—and certainly not something we’d endorse; but if there’s anyone who can combine literature and pedophilia and still somehow be accepted by the masses, we’re guessing it’s Kelly.

(8) Are your friends at Culture Blues going to have to eat some digitally animated crow? We’ve extensively covered our lack of anticipation for James Cameron’s upcoming holiday blockbuster Avatar. It looks like a video game, Sam Worthington is a douche, blah blah blah. We even invented the term “Avatard” (yeah, we’re super clever). But, early reviews are coming in from critics and, gasp, they’re exceedingly positive! Check out the Hollywood Reporter for starters. We’re having trouble wrapping our heads around this. Could Avatar actually be good?

The Mongolian tag team champions/senators

(7) Hey kids, let’s learn about Mongolia! This week marks the twentieth anniversary of the Peaceful Democratic Revolution that turned Mongolia from a freezing communist wasteland into a loveable multi-party system with a flourishing free market economy. Ironically, 300 Mongolians were beheaded during the so-called peaceful revolution, but that’s actually pretty low key for a country whose primary export is cold-blooded barbarians. Did you know that while Mongolia supports the war in Afghanistan, they only sent us like 200 troops? Don’t let that number fool you. Those 200 sword-bearing plate mail clad psychopaths are as dangerous as two whole regiments of British (pansies). We love you, Mongolia. Congrats on the democracy.

(6) In a recent interview with Complex Magazine, Jayceon Taylor a.k.a. The Game comes off as mature and introspective. He talks about the beef with 50 Cent, insightfully pointing out the silliness of over-the-top rap beef, “It’s not a gang war… this ain’t fuckin ‘85”. But then, a few weeks later, he gets inked up with the logo of a label that he’s not even signed to yet. Huh? And then he shows off a drawing for his next tattoo, a collage of video game controllers and a gun. WTF? Is this guy talented? Yes. Mentally stable? Apparently not.

Rebadow > Madoff

(5) Disproving the theory that raping and shivving old men is a top priority amongst our nation’s convicted criminals, it turns out that icon of Ponzi (we still don’t know what that word means) Bernie Madoff is actually quite popular in prison. And we don’t mean that in a sexual Tobias Beecher type way. We mean that Madoff is busy getting his portrait painted, signing autographs, and generally acting like a friendly old uncle. Apologies to everyone who thought Madoff would receive his comeuppance in the form of severe gangbang while in prison. I guess our nation’s prisoners just don’t care about the financial sector.

(4) It was the bus crash heard around the world…if, by “world,” you mean hipster bars, thrift stores, walk-up lofts and Williamsburg.  Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo was injured this week when his tour bus hit a patch of ice and crashed in New York. (Ironically, the whiny singer is known for tunes such as “Buddy Holly,” and Holly died in a plane crash when he, too, was touring). Cuomo is sidelined indefinitely and Weezer’s current tour has been canceled. But at least we’ll probably get some woe-is-me songs from Cuomo, which will be completely new ground for Weezer.

Cheater.

(3) Miley Cyrus was disqualified from the Best Song Written for a Movie category of the Grammys this week. Apparently, because the song in question “The Climb” was shopped around before being purchased and programmed into Cyrus’ big stupid head, that renders it ineligible. Who knew that there were rules for the Grammys? And who would have thought they’d apply to how the music for these mass produced pop stars came into creation? Really lends the Grammys that air of class and authority we thought they’d lost. Can’t wait for that Black Eyed Peas album to pull down Record of the Year.

(2) Last Sunday, the Washington Redskins were cruising to an upset victory over the undefeated Saints. This prompted Louisiana’s Wayne Spring to offer up his 60” television to get shot by any of his friends if the Saints won.  Which they did. Thank you, beer. Thank you, guns. Thank you, YouTube. Thank you so so much. WHO DAT?! WHO DAT?!

(1) A recent study conducted by a bunch of pervy Minnesotan researchers has concluded that casual sex is no more psychologically harmful than committed sex. We could have told you that. Frankly, they’re both equally damaging. All that quiet crying during the act, and then that empty feeling afterward. It all just makes us want to sit around in our boxers, wrapped in a blanket, eating salami we cut with a pocketknife and drinking orange juice straight from the carton. There’s no safe word for heartbreak.

Jeff Hart, Jason Arican, and John Burgman contributed to this Countdown. Jeremiah White is off this week.