Culture Blues

Place: North Dakota

Here at Culture Blues, we take our Google Analytics seriously. In tracking our hit count, we've found that nine states have yet to visit our wonderful site. In order to attract visitors from these hold out states, we've decided to honor them with a series of reviews. Alaska recently capitulated, but there are other hold outs, such as the North Dakotans...

In a reversal of geographic and demographic norms, a Northern land has proven that its Southern fellows are a more cultured bunch. As much as we here at Culture Blues are heavy into irony, this is one role reversal we are unwilling to lightly accept.

Granted, we sympathize with North Dakota’s undesirable identity as the forgotten Minnesota. Were it not for its status as one of the nation’s North-South tandems, it would unquestionably be most responsible for the demise of “name all 50 states in two minutes” contestants who have forked over money in a shameful display of trivia Americana.

Admitted to the union before its partner on a mere alphabetic technicality, North Dakota continues to stay culturally dormant and ride that 19^th Century happenstance as its biggest success story to date. Meanwhile, South Dakota has overcome its original position as the second Dakota with visits to the CB homepage and brilliant stone carvings of our most revered slave owners. Perhaps North Dakota should consider a rivaling monument to the CB editorial board if it wants to get back on top (figuratively, that is).

The Coen Brothers’ Fargo brought a nationwide cultural consciousness to the shadows of North Dakota life, where everyone is pathetic. William H. Macy’s character, Jerry Lundegaard, is clearly among the most helplessly desperate protagonists in recent cinematic memory. Steve Buscemi’s role demonstrates the sloppiness of the state’s criminals, and even Francis McDormand’s witty, intrepid character, clearly the county’s Albert Einstein, is married to a bald loser whose life’s work only made it onto the 3-cent stamp.

Not to mention, the criminals had to go to Brainerd, Minnesota to get laid. C’mon ND, don’t you know how to have any fun?

Don’t be misled, Jerry Lundegaard’s father-in-law informs us that it’s not a matter of innocence. He scornfully suggests North Dakotan youth take part in illicit activity when they say they’re going to “hang out at McDonald’s”.

The exact line goes: “What do you think they do there? They don’t drink milkshakes I assure you.” What might Mr. Gustafson be implying? We see the following options as possibilities:

1. Boredom-based crystal meth parties popularized by neighboring Montana
2. Satanic séances behind the bushes by the drive-thru menu
3. Acne swab comparisons under the french fry light

However, after further investigation, we here at Culture Blues have determined that simply drinking milkshakes is exactly what North Dakotan adolescents do at McDonald’s.

Considering the aforementioned North Dakotan pastime of shake drinking, the state’s population has steadily declined since 1990. North Dakotan boredom, among the nation’s most impenetrable, has engendered all kinds of success from its native sons. Elsewhere of course. Famous expats include:

Phil Jackson — While his fellow high school classmates were busy putting triangles into circular holes, Jackson was making them into a basketball offense that would win 10 championships.

Chuck Klosterman — The absolute dearth of cultural education in his North Dakotan upbringing fostered a unique perspective that led him to become a super-successful pop culture commentator once he left his barren homeland.

Louis L’Amour — His original name, LaMoore, was popular among North Dakota families during his turn-of-the-century childhood. In classic North Dakota fashion, he distanced himself from his homeland by changing his name and moving to the bustling metropolis of Oklahoma City. There he published his first of 100-plus books that today take up five shelves at Barnes & Noble despite their inability to sell.

At the time of publication, none of these people had yet to give back to North Dakota.

Those who have loyally stayed behind continue their lives of general confusion. They go to church—ND has the most churches per capita and least percentage of non-religious residents—and vote for Democratic senators. Go figure. Senator Kent Conrad’s longtime political success is credited to his “Castrate not Kill” tolerance campaign against abortion-performing doctors, while Senator Byron Dorgan is best known for convincing his constituents that stem-cell research is crucial to solving the state’s ongoing IQ crisis.

For now, North Dakotans think they can live without us, but the recent launch of the Culture Blues Lutheran newsletter directive should create some hits from the Flickertail State. Until then, the Dakota that prefers to be on top remains drinking milkshakes in the cultureless basement.

Thanks for visiting, North Dakota!

Tagged as: coen brothers, fargo, flickertail, north dakota, worse than south dakota