Culture Blues

Music: “Battle Studies” – John Mayer

John Mayer holds a very unenviable place in pop culture. Over the years he has somehow managed to make the common man hate him, more for who he is as a person than for how awful his music is. Those who care already know his story: Connecticut boy grows up with a love for Stevie Ray Vaughan (damn it), goes to music school, moves to Georgia and then writes some of the most painfully bland and unimaginative tunes ever. Sadly, most of the women you know LOVE his records (he's just SO cute). He has gone on to become a commercial success, a completely shameless media-whore (just look at some of his TMZ stunts), an infuriating "guitar hero" to those who can't remember floppy disks, and he dated the hottest Friend. WHY??? How on Earth did he merit this kind of success and respect? Think to yourself for one second about the "accomplishments" he has achieved in his career. What has he contributed to life and art other than omnipresent mediocrity?

God, I hate him.

Nevertheless... Mr. Mayer is back with a new record all about how hard it is to be him (gimme a fucking break). Battle Studies is Mayer's fourth studio triviality and it is chock full of lamentations about how he can get stoned and sleep with random groupies if he wants, but he is really alone in his fancy Japanese hotel room. Oh, and he wants us to stop fighting wars (he is a humanitarian after all). Each track is a trip to the deepest reaches of his shallowness, accompanied by some of the most teflon-slick production this side of a Black Eyed Peas record. With the albums initial offering (HeartBreak Warfare) the sonic stage is set immediately. The drums are bone dry, the U2-esque delay-drenched-leads flicker in and out of existence, and you start zoning out once you hear his voice. In later tracks, he breaks out the occasional acoustic (complete with cliche pianos, and wurlitzers), dazzles us with horrendous sounding string samples, makes us laugh at infant weak distortion, and pretty much lulls us to sleep.

There are no real surprises on this record; there is nothing on it that is dramatically egregious, and most of it is as vanilla as you would expect. Battle Studies is a safe, jejune, bore; even his attempt at the Robert Johnson uber-classic (Crossroads) fails to show a reason why it was worth recording. This record is a complete and utter waste of time (his and ours). It will no doubt go platinum, he will date someone awesome, continue to defile seminal blues tracks, and show up on every TV show that will let him on the soundstage. This is the problem with John Mayer, which is why I propose a boycott... Not just of his music, but of even mentioning his name... Maybe if we ignore _________, he will just go away.