Culture Blues

As pop culture aficionados, your friends at Culture Blues are not immune to the end-of-decade lists currently overwhelming the internet. As the year comes to a close, and we get progressively lazier, please enjoy Listmania, where Culture Blues ranks their favorite shit in a bunch of different categories. The first, and most likely to jaw jack your sorry ass - our list of the 16 Biggest Badasses of the Decade.

Our panel:  Jeff Hart, Jeremiah White, Giovanny Caquias, and Jason Arican

(16) Omar Little

In quiet city Baltimore, no two words strike fear into the hearts of cornerboys and kingpins alike more than “Omar comin’.” Over the five seasons of HBO’s seminal The Wire, Omar Little, the trench coat wearing, shotgun swinging, openly homosexual stick-up kid and anti-hero broke new ground in television and exploded into the ranks of our badass list like a lit rag in the gas tank of Marlo Stanfield’s car. From avoiding a jailhouse shiv by duct-taping phone books to his ribs, to pulling “some Spider-Man shit” out of a fourth story project window, Omar’s every scene and damn near his every utterance oozed the kind of badass bravado never before captured on television. An urban Robin Hood, a felon philosopher, a nasty mother fucker trying to settle a score over his Grandma’s Sunday hat - Omar Little was a badass taken from us before his time. We’ll miss him.  Oh, indeed.

(15) Elizabeth Lambert

Soccer has a rich history of shocking on-the-field violence. Women, on the other hand, do not. Perhaps that’s why our nation was so captivated a few months ago by New Mexico State college soccer player Elizabeth Lambert, whose vicious attacks on her opponents have so far garnered more than 4 million views on Youtube. Here at Culture Blues, we don’t practice a double standard of badassery. Sure, we’ve only known Lambert for a few months but we can only assume that she’s been throwing elbows and making bitches recognize since junior high, and thus must be lauded as the first in a new breed of lady-goons.

(14) Joss Whedon

Aside from capping off two shows, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its spin off Angel, in typically epic fashion and getting a major movie studio to give him $40 million to make a series finale for a show that didn’t even last one season (Firefly), Joss Whedon may have given the entire entertainment industry a shake up when he independently financed Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, a 42 minute musical about an aspiring super villain created entirely with friends and family. Originally distributed online in three installments, it felt more like a web series. But now that it’s gotten a proper DVD release, it is a movie, albeit a short, low budget one. And Whedon has, over time, been able to reimburse all of the crew who were not paid at the time, proving that the studios and networks may not be as essential as they want us to think they are.

(13) The Bride

Tailor made by Quentin Tarantino to be a badass, to reaffirm feminine strength and to showcase the talents of his muse, Uma Thurman’s Bride still undeniably belongs on this list. Her epic quest for revenge might be enough all by itself, but what puts her over the top is that when it comes to the final foe, she doesn’t flinch, she doesn’t search for redemption and she doesn’t show mercy. Take that, Edmond Dantes. With a fashion sense informed by Bruce Lee and a body count that would make John Matrix blush, The Bride has carved out her own place in the history of badassery.

(12) Kevin Everett

The Bride is a good choice since she kills a ton of people and, among other things, teaches herself to walk again. The latter reason is why we found former Buffalo Bills Tight End Kevin Everett to be an obvious selection because he was PARALYZED and taught himself how to walk again in real life. It was after this hit on a special teams play in September of 2007 that Everett was left on the turf motionless. At the time he was transported off the field, he could only move his eyes. Days after surgery to repair dislocation of the third and fourth cervical vertebrae, Everett had no feeling below his shoulders. Two months later, he was walking, chewing snuff, and banging nurses. Ok, the last two are not true… or, rather, unconfirmed at time of press.

(11) Barry Bonds

Some badasses are more admirable than others. You can gain the title in a variety of ways, with honor, through being cold-fucking-blooded, and in the case of Barry Bonds, derisively. Bonds was already a badass in the 90s; a first ballot Hall of Famer who subsisted on a blend of hate and drive, Bonds was the literal definition of a five-tool player. Barry had already won 3 National League MVPs before this decade was even underway, but as the 90s drew to a close his skills had begun to diminish. During the historic 1998 baseball season Bonds watched, like the rest of us, as Sosa and McGwire rewrote the record books. It was then that Bonds - aware of the chemical edge of his colleagues - in a rage of hate-filed jealousy vowed to gain an advantage as well, and began his own doping regimen. What happened over the next decade was a sordid, and disgraceful, series of wrongly achieved milestones and accomplishments that disheartened many loyal fans of the game. Throughout this Barry collected his checks and accolades, while flipping us off with a smirk. He is the only man since Babe Ruth to hold the single season and career home-run mark. He is also blackballed from the game he betrayed.

(10) Trent Reznor

One of this decade’s defining stories is the decline of the record industry as we know it. While most artists are standing obediently by the crumbling labels or paying lip service to changes while secretly hoping Wal-Mart still moves units, Trent Reznor has made himself the enemy. He attacked Universal for “absurd” pricing and distribution practices with regards to Year Zero and he encouraged fans to “steal and steal and steal some more and give it to all your friends and keep on stealin'.” Then he announced that his contractual obligation to Interscope was done and he’d be releasing future albums independently. Rough translation: “fuck you.”

(9) Sayid Jarrah

Sayid Jarrah began the decade as a CIA operative, infiltrating a terrorist cell in Australia and betraying a friend in the process. That already sounds pretty badass, but when you consider the fact that he was a member of the Iraqi National Guard before he worked for Uncle Sam, you start to see the bigger picture. After his operations in Sydney were over, destiny handed Sayid a rather unfortunate hand, as he boarded a doomed flight to Los Angeles. On September 22, 2004, Oceanic Airlines flight 815 was lost and crashed on a mysterious island in the South Pacific. Sayid was one of the 72 survivors. The crash resulted in a sequence of events that have only served to grow the legend of Jarrah: on numerous occasions he has fixed electronics with barely more than spit and berries, he has brutally interrogated a multitude of individuals for everything from information to asthma medication, he has snapped a foe’s neck with only his feet (Sayid's hands were bound AND he was on the ground), he shot a child that helped him escape captivity in the stomach (the kid will deserve it), and he dug up a body in order to uncover a liar. Oh, and by the way, after he leaves the island...? He totally becomes an assassin.

(8) Ron Artest

In 2004, Ron Artest made America afraid of black people again. On that fateful night in the Palace at Auburn Hills, after Artest had entered the hostile crowd to punch out a beer chucking Pistons fan (he got the wrong guy, by the way), it’s pretty unlikely he was thinking of the NBA’s critics, largely old-timers busy reminiscing about Pete Maravich and using codewords like “thug” and “urban” to describe the current generation. Artest was too busy cold-cocking fans to worry about how his actions would affect the desperate state of PR around the NBA. Artest has never apologized for being a complete ghetto badass – from drinking Hennessey at halftime, to wearing multiple pairs of sneakers during an All-Star game while wooing an endorsement, and even applying for a job at Circuit City for the discount. On the court, Artest is a former Defensive Player of the Year. Do you know how badass you have to be in the travel-friendly game of the NBA to stand out as a defensive threat? Very, very badass. Like many of our badasses, Ron Artest is really just misunderstood. As he said on his debut rap album My World:  “David Stern, damn David Stern, I gotta teach you ’bout the ghetto, some things you should learn.”

(7) Dick Cheney

The comparisons to Darth Vader are numerous and apt. Former vice-president Dick Cheney, neocon messiah and unrepentant badass, turned the United States of America into his own personal Deathstar. With one hand warmly ensconced in the anal cavity of a president who Cheney didn't bother disguising his disdain for, Cheney used the other to force choke the shit out of foreign relations and civil liberties. “I'm absolutely convinced that the threat we face now, the idea of a terrorist in the middle of one of our cities with a nuclear weapon,” said Cheney “is very real and that we have to use extraordinary measures to deal with it.” You’re giving us chills, Dick! Those extraordinary methods he referred to? Water-boarding, war making, and heart attack surviving.  When he wasn't busy imperial marching, Cheney liked to relax by shooting his friend in their faces. We’ll never have another leader quite so badass.

(6) Master Chief

Master Chief Petty Officer John-117 is the MJOLNIR (Mark V) Armor-wearing Spartan who is the hero of our future (fingers crossed). In the present day, he is the protagonist of the most successful intellectual property in the history of the X-Box, Halo. His tale has been told in almost every medium (Denzel is rumored to be on board for the movie); Chief is the last hope humanity has against the unrelenting and savage race of aliens known as The Covenant. Over the course of three games, millions of people have accompanied Chief on his journey to distant planets, through enemy vessels, and even in defense of Earth itself, all while splattering the neon blood of his enemies across every available surface. A man of very few words, Master Chief (or "The Demon" as he is referred to by the Covenant) would much rather let his assault rifle do the talking, failing that, there is always his Brett Favre-like plasma grenade tosses, and of course his trusty energy sword (for those more intimate moments). His body count is staggering, his shield always regenerates, and he has not failed us once... Okay, maybe his jump is a bit questionable but it's fucking space, man!

(5) Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs has so much money he can buy the word badass and change its definition to his name. He is a technological visionary whose unparalleled success and trend creating abilities are the envy of all of the world’s businesses (just ask Microsoft). Have you ever heard of an iPod? How about iTunes? Mac Os-X? If you haven't, I bet you can look them up on your iPhone. Before his return to the company in the late 90s, Apple was in serious danger of becoming an anachronism in the tech-world. Jobs revolutionized computing by (get this) making their exteriors colorful!!! After millions of overpriced company-saving units were sold, Jobs began guiding Apple into a new age filled with aesthetically immaculate, pre-cognitively intuitive, shrewdly savvy electronics and software that are a litany of triumphs. Of course it doesn't stop there; ever the cunning businessman, Jobs negotiated a Disney/Pixar deal that made HIM the single largest shareholder of the Walt Disney Corporation (don't hate). Jobs himself has even become a bit of a cult hero; these days his trademark turtlenecks, glasses, and jeans are almost as iconic as his company's logo. We bet he will be on the next decade's list too. Especially after he opens Jurassic Park, his cults infiltrate our society, and he releases the Apple Tablet.

(4) Brock Lesnar

“The Next Big Thing” Brock Lesnar is the prototypical hillbilly badass; an insanely burly square-headed brick shithouse with an insatiable taste for violence. An accomplished amateur wrestler, Lesnar began the decade as part of World Wrestling Entertainment, where he once defeated The Undertaker in a Hell in the Cell match, and this other time totally threw the metal ring steps clear across the god damn arena. If that last sentence doesn’t mean anything to you, you’re neither an adolescent male nor a lover of all things badass. Eventually, the savage Lesnar graduated from fake wrestling to real cage matches, joining the UFC in 2007 and becoming their heavyweight championship in only his 4th fight. Lesnar’s success is largely credited to his massive hands, the 2nd largest in Nevada combat sports history. After his title win, Lesnar appeared ready to shooting star press every drunk mother fucker in a hostile Vegas crowd, parading around the octagon with double middle fingers and later telling host Joe Rogan (and a live TV audience) that his post fight plans included “climb[ing] on top of the wife.”

(3) Christian Bale

Christian Bale certainly has made the most of the last 10 years. He kicked off 2000 with a starmaking performance as psychopath Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. Then he starred in the excellent action film Equilibrium as the sword wielding Gun Kata expert and all around dystopian badass Cleric John Preston. Bale followed that up by playing that iconic granddaddy of all badasses, Bruce fucking Wayne. Make fun of the exaggerated voice if you want. Mock the unrelenting seriousness of The Dark Knight if you must, but understand that Christian Bale (with a great deal of help from Christopher Nolan) is the best live action Batman we will ever see. And those are only the highlights. Bale is also badass in Shaft (racist badass), the underrated Reign of Fire (dragon fighting badass), The Machinist (skinny badass), The Prestige (illusionist badass), Harsh Times (unhinged badass), Rescue Dawn (POW badass), I’m Not There (musician badass), 3:10 to Yuma (cowboy badass) and Public Enemies (gangster hunting badass). The decade wasn’t all puppy dogs and ice cream for Christian Bale though. A recording of him screaming at the director of photography on the set of Terminator: Salvation went viral on the web. While it’s hard to support an actor who excuses inappropriate behavior by talking about an intense day of shooting, let us not forget that Bale is one badass dude and that he might well be totally batshit insane. Did we mention that he lost 63 pounds for The Machinist on a diet of little more than coffee and apples? This decade cements Bale’s spot in the pantheon of all time badasses.

(2) The Strike Team

Throughout the past decade, one LA gang has proven more cunning, more ruthless and more well-connected than all of their contemporaries. They’ve been involved directly and indirectly in thousands of drug deals, they’ve murdered witnesses, they’ve intimidated civilians and they’ve waged war on rival gangs from all over the world. What’s most shocking is that the gang has only four members, and they are all Los Angeles Police officers. The Strike Team is like a team of super heroes (or villains). Vic Mackey, the leader, is a senior detective with great instincts, a seemingly preternatural ability to manipulate situations to his advantage, and a dogged loyalty to those he considers close. Shane Vendrell (aka Cletus Van Dam) is Vic’s right hand man. Sleazy and impulsive, Shane’s dedication to achieving objectives trumps everything else. Curtis Lemansky gives the team its somewhat questionable conscience, as well as its muscles and motorcycle. And Ronnie Gardocki is the team’s tech expert and most level-headed member. The LAPD’s dirty (not very well kept) secret for years, the Strike Team was always called in on the most important cases, the most urgent manhunts. Their methods were questionable even on these legitimate cases, but on occasion they received approval from even their most vehement critics (Claudette Wyms DID see Vic stab that guy with the badge pin). At their best, the Strike Team outsmarted everyone around them, kept (some) dangerous criminals off the streets, and robbed an Armenian money train. At their worst they murdered people, consorted with drug dealers, and sought to destroy each other. The question is, are we any safer with them no longer around?

(1) Captain America

In a decade where America was irrevocably damaged, perhaps the biggest badass to emerge from the smoke and fire of two collapsed towers was Marvel Comics’ Captain America. Once a flaxen-haired, clean cut goody two shoes, Captain America underwent two significant reimaginings during the decade. The first came during Mark Millar’s groundbreaking run on The Ultimates. There, Cap was recast as an out of touch relic of the Greatest Generation; a John Wayne infused tough guy that harkened back to the days when men were really men. Here was a Captain America that cut Nazi-aliens in half with his star-spangled shield, that said things like “you think this letter on my head stands for France?!,” and that beat an Islamic super-villain to death in front of the capitol building. Fucking badass. Meanwhile, in the mainstream Marvel line, Steve Rogers (the original Captain America) was assassinated for standing up for super hero civil rights during Marvel’s Civil War (a thinly veiled critique of America’s shaky civil freedoms in the wake of the war on terror). Writer Ed Brubaker handed the cowl and shield to former Cap sidekick Bucky Barnes. Bucky, complete with cybernetic arm and tragic past as a Cold War era Soviet assassin, would be a darker Captain America for a darker time. The kind of Captain America that the Marvel Universe would need to take down all the evil corporations fronting for terrorists and the bevy of “reformed” super-villains masquerading as political saviors. Searching for redemption and trying to earn the right to rock the costume of his mentor, Barnes would be a harder, more cold-blooded Captain America. He’d also become the first iteration of the American icon to pack some heat in the hand not swinging a shield. What says greatest badass of the decade better than a gun-toting constitutionalist fucking up bad guys for freedom? USA! USA! USA!