Culture Blues

The Final Countdown: November 6th Edition

Let's face it:  All the people at this party are way cooler than you. They know things. They're capable of substantive conversation about what's going on in the world. You? You're a wreck; a sweaty, stammering mess of non-sequitors, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious jerks with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.

Friday the (13) How about some site news to kick this bitch off, huh guys? Devoted reader that you are, you probably noticed that we featured our first guest columnist this week (you can check out Kieran Walsh's take on Sesame Street here). What does this mean for you? Two things. First, Culture Blues is now accepting submissions from our unwashed public (hit us up at editors@cultureblues.com). Second, we're proud to announce that we've already come to terms with our second guest contributor. Next week, renowned mass murderer and syndicated advice columnist Jason Voorhees will be joining the staff of Culture Blues! Jason will be answering reader questions on anything from how to deal with an unfaithful spouse (you murder her) to how to properly dispose of waste at a campsite (you murder it). Send any questions you might have to Voorhees@cultureblues.com.

We're going to outfit our giant robotic teddy bear with some of these.

(12) While the military is still busy with robotic exoskeletons that make it easier to lift stuff (LAME!), Everett Bradford (aka Mr. Bad-ass) has built a fucking flamethrower that rests in the palm of his hand! We’re not even going to comment on this. The video speaks for itself. Our favorite part is when he starts throwing Street Fighter style fireballs (how could he not?).

(11) According to a recent statement, Hulk Hogan lobbied hard to become the new bassist for Metallica, presumably following the death of bassist Cliff Burton in 1986 (Metallica also had a bassist vacancy in 2001, after the departure of Jason Newsted). "When Metallica was looking for a bass player, I called and never heard a word back from them,” the Hulkster told The Chicago Tribune. Which is a good thing, because had he joined Metallica, wrestling fans would have missed out on some of his best years in the squared circle, and some of his finest advertising work.

(10) It was reported this week that 30 Rock scored a 0 rating in its debut on German TV (we didn’t realize that was possible either). Obviously those Germans, with their widespread praise of David Hasselhoff’s music, love of Ramstein, and ludicrous cookie commercials are in a position to judge the quality and value of entertainment.

Useless

(9) One of the most blatant moneygrabs in the history of mankind (okay, maybe in the history of this year) was unveiled this week as the TwitterPeek was introduced. Get this. Gadget-maker Peek has created a product that does nothing but interfaces with twitter; it lets you tweet and read your friends' timelines from anywhere, at anytime. You know, just like your phone... which incidentally is also a phone. The Twitterpeek doesn't have a web browser, storage space for your tunes, a camera, or any of the other shit we take for granted from our mobile devices these days. Oh, and it costs a hundred dollars WITH a seven dollar monthly fee (twitter, btw, is a free service). This is so lame that even people who own Zunes are laughing.

(8) The Fourth Kind comes to theaters this weekend. Most famous for being “the one that isn’t Paranormal Activity,” Fourth Kind has tried to drum up interest recently with TV ads featuring quotes from… Larry King?!? Apparently he’s the only one who has seen and enjoyed the movie, and he offers such delightful bites as a play on the title of Fourth Kind and that lame Steven Spielberg movie, but when did Larry King become a viable critic. This is kind of like quoting Jay Leno when the star is on his show and he fawns over how great the movie is. Or quoting our grandmother who frankly, didn’t really understand what was going on. If we want to know what an overreacting, senile, should be retiree thinks of a movie, we’ll read Ebert’s review (that’s a joke, we love Ebert, but his reviews are getting a little bit out there).

NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(7) The summer pseudo-blockbuster G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was released on DVD and VHS this week. But who cares about that shit cause they also released a new G.I. Joe cartoon. Following in the massive footsteps of the original animated Joe movie, G.I. Joe: Resolute isn’t exactly a must see, but it taps into the nostalgia without alienating an adult audience way better than the theatrical film. With more characters, more realistic violence (people die!) and a script by legit writer Warren Ellis, it could be the start of something beautiful. If you’re on the fence, check out this fairly on point post about what the movie gets right and wrong. Warning, there are some spoilers in there.

(6) Wanda Sykes new late night show premieres on Fox this Saturday evening. Everyone knows that Wanda Sykes is funny and smart, but they’re touting it as a place where viewers can hear a different take on current events and pop culture. If the ads are any indication, it’s going to be a lot more like typical stand up bits that we can hear at any open mic we wander into. We’re only tuning in if Krazee Eyez Killa makes an appearance. “Yo, Delicious!”

Argleton! Argleton is what lies in the shadow of the statue!!

(5) File this under Why the Fuck Didn't We Think of This Before:  Jason Sadler, an unemployed Florida marketing executive started www.iwearyourshirt.com. Different companies pay him to wear their t-shirt for a day and he goes around taking pictures with it on. He then posts the pictures on his website, facebook and twitter. His salary for doing what we do everyday for free - $83,000. Jason Sadler you are a real American genius, Mr. Social Prostitute.

(4) A glaring glitch in the Matrix was discovered this week as the internet was set ablaze by the discovery of British "mystery town" Argleton in Lancashire. A quick Google Maps Search shows that the town of Argleton is actually located in the middle of an empty field in England, yet there are posts for businesses ranging from chiropractors to dating services. There are various theories for why this anomaly exists; some of the more rational and banal ones point towards this being some sort of copyright measure for their satellite images (BORING!). We here at Culture Blues suspect it is some kind of spooky "town that time forgot", or at least has something to do with the final season of  Lost.

(3) In the week’s edition of “The Cast of Notting Hill: Where Are They Now” (you know you care, or that you at least saw the movie cause you were trying to get laid) Hugh Grant was spotted at New York’s Standard Hotel—he was drunk and cavorting with a 23-year-old model.  It continues to astound us how much we can despise Grant’s movies, and yet, deeply envy his lifestyle choices. Cheerio.

He's big in Kosovo.

(2) Bill Clinton was honored this week by Kosovo’s Albanian majority when they unveiled a 10 ft. statue of the former president. Clinton has been hailed as a hero in Kosovo since he launched NATO air strikes to stop ethnic cleansing in 1999. Slick Willy was on hand for the unveiling, on Bill Clinton Boulevard no less, and stated that he “never expected ... anywhere someone will make such a big statue” of him.  And somewhere else, George W. Bush was sitting back, sipping a non-alcoholic beer and dreaming about the day when they’ll build a statue to honor him in Iraq, although then it will just be known as Sector R10 of the wastelands.

(1) Proof positive that great filmmakers aren’t all self important bores, Joss Whedon and Wes Anderson had some fun this week. Whedon responded to news that rights to the Terminator franchise were up for sale by making a $10,000 offer. Whedon’s pitch includes ideas such as setting Terminator stories in the Lord of the Rings Universe and adding more porn (for those wondering how there can be “more” porn, watch that sex scene in the original movie, it’s basically soft core). Whedon added that he would also pay $10,000 for the LOTR or Batman franchises. Wes Anderson, on the other hand, responded to questions about his follow up to Fantastic Mr. Fox by telling reporters that his next project will be a sci-fi movie and that he’d like to film some of it on location in outer space and on the moon. We would like to sincerely thank Whedon and Anderson for making this week’s entertainment news considerably less dull.

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, Giovanny Caquias, John Burgman and Cheese contributed to this Countdown.