Culture Blues

Here at Culture Blues, we take our Google Analytics seriously. In tracking our hit count, we've found that twelve states have yet to visit our wonderful site. In order to attract visitors from these hold out states, we've decided to honor them with a series of reviews. We’ve already had our way with West Virginia and Alaska. Next up, New Mexico…

It just looks stupid.

Popularly known as America's Testing Ground, New Mexico ranks amongst the most desolate of all states. It’s large (5^th in the nation), sparsely populated (6^th in the nation), and home to those Hills Have Eyes cannibal mutants. Throw in the fact that it's essentially a military staging ground and its unsightly proximity to Real Mexico, and you have exactly the kind of place no one should ever visit.

Our 47th state is actually the cobbled together result of a high stakes hot potato game involving the United States, Spain, Mexico and France. A game which saw the United States left holding the arid, uncomfortable mass of land filled with such unpleasant, and sometimes deadly, destinations as caverns, deserts and haunted Aztec ruins.

Our government was able, astoundingly, to make the land less hospitable when it was used as a testing ground for the first (and most unstable) atomic bombs during World War II. The project was such a smashing success that the government still maintains three Air Force bases, a missile range and two federal research laboratories in the Land of Enchantment.

In return for being constantly exposed to the dangers of misguided missiles, alien UFO landings and the straight up batshit insane plot of Half-Life, the New Mexicans (what did you think they were called?) get prime suckling space at the government's ever flowing communist teat. The federal government spends $2.03 for every dollar of tax revenue collected from the state, which is the highest rate of return in the country. So, if you've ever wondered where your taxes go, well the answer is basically New fucking Mexico.

Probably the last thing you see before they start eating you.

But government spending isn't the only thing going on in the big NM. With a thriving scientific community, New Mexico is a veritable land of opportunity. It features exciting growth industries such as microelectronics, call centers and Indian casinos. New Mexico is the American Southwest’s second hottest gambling destination, right behind the entire state of Nevada.

After a long, hard and not at all rewarding day of telemarketing, residents like to unwind. Luckily, New Mexico hosts such exciting entertainment possibilities as minor league baseball's Albuquerque Isotopes (they actually got the name from The Simpsons, and the radiation), the International Balloon Fiesta and a post Labor Day celebration where they set a 50 ft. marionette on fire (just like that delightfully quaint island community in The Wicker Man).

Visitors are often confused by New Mexico’s made up language. And no, we’re not talking about Spanish. That would be racist. It’s New Mexican Spanish, and it’s an archaic Spanish dialect peppered with Native American words and Anglicized vocabulary. Needless to say, no one speaks it anywhere else.

New Mexico is, in fact, so deplorable that its most famous son, John Denver, dedicated his life to writing songs about beautiful places that aren’t New Mexico.

Thanks for stopping by, New Mexico! We’re glad to have you!