Culture Blues

The Simplicity of Hope

A couple days ago we gave Jeff a copy of Sarah Palin's new book. We locked him in a windowless room and made him read it. He came out... Changed.

Turn your brain off.

Go ahead. It’ll be ok.

Your problem is that you think too much. That’s why you’re sad all the time. You never quite got over that freshman philosophy class – thinking about thinking, man, you’re going to drive yourself nuts! Contemplating the world, pondering the self. Where has all that thinking ever gotten you?

Shit, enlightenment is hella depressing.

Here’s some scientific research from the heart: smart people aren’t happy. The key to unlocking your limitless smile is to embrace your inner simpleton.  McDonalds isn’t hugely successful because people are poor and hungry. It’s successful because fat people like getting fatter. And books like The Secret, Your Best Life Now, and The Power of Positive Thinking aren’t mega bestsellers because readers need an escape from all their brooding and navel-gazing. Nuh uh, buddy. Those millions and millions of readers are already hopeful and happy and just itching to ingest another savory helping of chicken soup for the soul.

Don’t despair. You can be like them. Quit existing on the intellectual frontier, wrapped up in your parka of rational discourse and analytical intelligence, and climb into the warmth of the inspiration wagon!

Today your driver is Vice President of down home realness, and super lady, former Governor Sarah Palin.

Did I just blow your mind? I guess you must be one of those knee-jerk intellectuals for whom the mere mention of Palin conjures up flashbacks of bimbos staging a coup d’état on precious democracy. Oh no, you’re thinking, how can this awful man mention Sarah Palin alongside the word inspiration?

She’s my kind of thinker. We’re talking Going Rogue here, but we’re not actually going rogue. We’re talking about experiencing life as it really is.. I just want you to know that Sarah can cure what’s ailing you. Millions of your countrymen have already tried it. Why won’t you?

You just need to open your heart and turn off your brain.

“These good folks were exactly the type of Alaskans who supported us: hardworking, unpretentious, patriotic, and ready for honest leadership. They treated us to slices of homemade rhubarb pie, then gave us a whole blueberry pie that we shared with friends after our 800-mile, 40-hour round-trip, driven to the sound of the Black Eyed Peas and an old LL Cool J remix we found in the glove box. “ (Going Rogue, 114)

You are a good person, aren’t you? Patriotic? Of course, who isn’t! Unpretentious and hardworking? Well, probably not, since you’re here reading this site in the middle of the day. Don’t worry, we can fix your annoying un-American qualities. You’ll notice that Sarah doesn’t talk about how intelligent or thoughtful her parishioners were, right? In fact, unpretentious is a clever way of describing just how unburdened by thought these early followers were. That doesn’t make them empty, or bad. Far from it. It makes them lucky. You have your brains, they have their rhubarb filling.

Doesn’t that sound better? Wouldn’t you rather be delicious?

Don’t you want to listen to the Blacked Eyed Peas and be a real person, for a change? Don’t you want to find interesting beats in the glove box of your heart?

Don’t you want to be a pie?

“But I do believe in a few timeless and unchanging truths, and chief among those is that man is fallen. This world is not perfect, and politicians will not make it so. This, above all, is what informs my pragmatic approach to politics. I am a conservative because I deal with the world as it is – complicated and beautiful, tragic and hopeful. I am a conservative because I believe in the rights and the responsibilities and the inherent dignity of the individual.” (Going Rogue, 385)

Isn't that beautiful, you guys? The world is a crazy wonderful place and it isn't always easy to find where you belong. Just embrace the fact that you're born imperfect. Is that such a bad thing, really? We all plop out of our mommies with the unwashable taint of sin upon us. It's like getting sprayed by a skunk, but the skunk is God and the tomato juice bath, in this case, is, well, I haven't figured that part out yet. Wait! Yes, I have! There is no washing off the stink. With Sarah and I you will stink for life.

I think I get it.

And listen, you real stinky thoughtless American, you have inherent dignity. We're proud of you for turning off your brains.

Of course, there will always be detractors.

“But Katie [Couric]’s purpose – shared by most media types – seemed to be to frame a “gotcha” moment. And it worked. […] I tried really hard to smile, but wondered again about a media strategy that involved ignoring objective journalists and continuing with a reporter who clearly had a partisan agenda. […] It wasn’t that I didn’t want to – or as some have ludicrously suggested, couldn’t – answer her question; it was that her condescension irritated me. […] Still, my biggest disappointment wasn’t the badgering, or even the selective editing. It was that the interviews ended up wasting time. There were any number of productive things I could have been doing instead: meeting with constituents, greeting the thousands of good Americans who waited in sweltering lines and stuffy hangars to hear from us, or speaking with the many good reporters who just wanted to do their jobs.” (Going Rogue, 275-79)

Everyone that isn’t us is out to get us, ok? They're a bunch of spoil sports. They don't have to be media types either. They can be the know-it-alls hovering around you in your day to day life. Always looking to challenge the things you're saying. Always condescending to us with questions we don't know the answers to!

What these folks don't get is that it's not that we don't know the answers. We just don't want to answer! Questions are irritating, am I right? You know what questions cause? They cause thought.

And we've pretty much covered what happens when you think too much…

It's unproductive. Instead, slap on a smile and go meet some of the good people out there. Sarah learned this lesson so that we won't have to. Don't waste your time suffering the slings and arrows of these “gotcha!” types. It's unproductive! Go out there and meet some good people. They'll understand your empty unthinking attitude, and they'll support and laud you for it.

And so we come to the end, my dear. I know this has probably been a little scary for you. Maybe it's even hurt a tad. Embracing a worldview completely devoid of thought and reason. Just remember your inherent dignity and the fact that nothing you say can ever be wrong because you believe it. And if it ever gets really scary out there, remember this…

It's out of your hands:

“One summer, I attended a youth Bible camp in Big Lake and understood for myself what Pascal was talking about. Looking around at the incredible creation that is Alaska – the majestic peaks and midnight sun, the wild waters and teeming wildlife – I could practically see and hear and feel God’s spirit reflected in everything in nature. I reasoned that if God knew what He was doing in this magnificent creation, how much more did He know about me? If He is powerful and wise enough to make all this and thought also to create a speck like me, there surely must be a plan, and He’d know more than I did about my future and my purpose. I made the conscious decision that summer to put my life in my Creator’s hands and trust Him as I sought my life’s path.“ (Going Rogue, 22)

Tagged as: god's plan for katie couric, going rogue, inspiration, rhubarb pie, sarah palin