Culture Blues

Ask Jason: Day 1

Culture Blues is proud to present a week long question and answer session with guest contributor Jason Voorhees. Need some advice? Have a question you’ve always wanted to ask, but were too afraid? E-mail Voorhees@cultureblues.com and we promise an answer.

Dear Jason-

I’m nineteen years old and I’ve never learned how to swim. I try to hide it from my friends because I’m embarrassed, but I end up missing out on a lot of fun stuff. Going to the beach, sneaking into the hotel pool after prom, skinny dipping at the lake, etc. I know I could sign up for swimming lessons, but those seem like they’d be full of little kids. That would be too humiliating! Is there a discreet and normal way for me to learn?

-Jake, Rochester NY

Dear Jake-

Swimming is pretty overrated, but the best way to learn is to just dive right in. Literally! The human body is naturally buoyant, so for starters you might want to just float around a little and get comfortable in the water. If you’re concerned about safety (and you should be), you could always buy a life jacket or some of those plastic swimmies (personally, I’ve never found a pair that fit). Once you’re comfortable in the water, try taking off the life jacket. Don’t worry if you go under. Some nice girl with a canoe will always come along so that you can pull yourself back up to the surface. And if you sink all the way to the bottom, eventually a telekinetic teenager will mistakenly lift you free. Just be patient. In my experience, these things have a way of working themselves out. You can breathe underwater, right? Or is that just me? Please let me know what lake you and your friends skinny-dip at. Sounds like fun.

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Dear Jason-

Who would win in a fight? Casey Jones or “Battlin’” Billy Smith?

-Eric, Staten Island

Dear Eric-

Oh wow! A hockey mask question! Did you work extra hard on that one? I guess you thought that because I only feel comfortable wearing a hockey mask in public due to my hideously disfigured face and misshapen head, I must be the expert on every asshole, both real and fictional, that’s ever bit my style and donned a mask. Whatever. Putting your inanity aside – Billy Smith was one of the most brutal hockey goalies of all time and Casey Jones is a fictional character that sometimes helps the Ninja Turtles. Keep in mind that I once took the entire island of Manhattan in like 20 minutes and Casey Jones didn’t do a darn thing about, and Billy Smith was probably busy hiding out on the Staten Island, a place I wouldn’t even go to murder a multiethnic orgy. Ahhh…tough one. I’m going with Casey. He’s got more weapons. I admire versatility.

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Dear Jason-

I'm a 22 year old male who, for the first time in his life, is responsible for a living space that isn't a college dorm. I feel like these milk crates and this poster of John Belushi with his College sweater aren't really suitable for an adult. And don't even get me started on my empty liquor bottle collection. Any advice how to spruce up my first "adult" apartment?

-Ben, San Francisco CA

Dear Ben-

I'm really happy that you wrote in. Interior decorating is actually a hobby of mine but I rarely have the opportunity to share my knowledge with others. My first rule is to keep things simple! Too much decoration can just end up looking like clutter. It will create a more anxious environment and it will overwhelm visitors. You can have a sparsely decorated shed that will absolutely WOW anyone who happens to wander in from the woods. Just invest in a few nice furnishings and they'll be speechless, except for the occasional shriek of delight. Next, don't be afraid to let your personality shine through. After all, it is your home. Feel free to put your interests on display and highlight things that are important to you. If you want to put up a tasteful shrine to your deceased mother, GO FOR IT! Just remember my first rule. Too ostentatious and you'll look like you're fishing for sympathy. A few candles along with something that was important to the deceased (something personal, maybe a favorite item of clothing), plus your mother's decomposing head should really do the trick. Finally, my last bit of advice, one of the most important and often overlooked aspects of keeping an attractive home is cleanliness. Make sure everything is neat and orderly. Make sure that all machetes, pitchforks and other murder tools are stowed away safely. Not only does it look nice, it cuts down on the chances that they'll be used against you by intruders. Follow these tips, Ben, and you'll be well on your way to creating a home any adult would be proud of. One last thing, I'd be happy to come over and help you hang some pictures or move furniture. Just send me your address.

Tagged as: advice from a mass murderer, culture blues exclusive, Jason Voorhees, question and answer