Culture Blues

Ask Jason: Day V

Welcome to the final day of our week long question-and-answer session with the illustrious Jason Voorhees. On Monday, Jason covered learning to swim and interior decorating. On Tuesday, he discussed his Thanksgiving plans and his taste in women. On Wednesday, he caught the attention of some creepy internet swingers. And yesterday he dished out even more Thanksgiving advice. Today, Jason finishes off the last of your questions.

We'll miss you, Jason!

Dear Jason,

Do you have a favorite machete?

Sean, Tacoma, WA

Dear Sean,

Thanks for your question. It’s always bothered me that I’ve become so identified with the machete. The connection certainly has some merit, but I’ve always prided myself more on my resourcefulness than anything else. But on to your question.

I really never stray from the Latin style machete. Its long reach and small handle makes it incredibly easy to hit blade to flesh. A bolo machete will work in a pinch. I tend to opt for longer blades, in the 18-20 inch range. I mean, when I run someone through, I want to see it come out the other end. And weight isn’t really a concern for me because I have super strength.

I prefer to stay away from machetes with fancy adornments. Not to sound shallow, but the look is important to me. And I go for simple and iconic. It’s becoming harder and harder to find machetes without the saw on the spine of the blade, which really irks me. It’s not all that noticeable, but I don’t care for it. First of all, while it doesn’t affect your chopping motion, it makes digging it out of a body a bit more difficult. And second, it really doesn’t have much practical use for me. I’m not chopping down trees over here.

All that said, my preferred machete is Cold Steel’s 18 inch Latin model. It mixes a classic look with modern construction. I wish the blade were a bit stiffer, but it suits my needs better than anything else I’ve found, and is my choice for when you absolutely need something dead right now. Tell ‘em “the big guy in the hockey mask” sent ya.

* * *

Dear Jason,

Me and my dogs love your movies and they wanted to know if you have a dog or any pets of your own.  If so would you like to meet up at the dog park for a play date?

Gerald, Madison WI

Dear Gerald,

No, I don’t have a dog. You know when you pet a dog’s head roughly and you can sort of see its eyes bug out? Yeah, that happens to me a lot, only way worse. Anyway, I noticed that you said it was “your dogs” that wanted to know about a play date. Don’t do that. Don’t personify your dogs. I know, this is coming from a guy that takes orders from his dead mother, but giving your animals personality like that is just dorky.

* * *

Dear Jason,

I really enjoyed your Thanksgiving advice in yesterday’s column. Could you give us some more details about brining a turkey? I think I’m going to try that this year. Thanks!

Laura, New York NY

Dear Laura,

Aaaaarrrrggh! I can't find my notes from yesterday. I just tore the office apart looking for them [ed. note- when Jason says he "tore the office apart," he means it quite literally. He smashed a desk in half, he punched a hole in the wall. He threw Carl Alter out a window! We don't even know if he's OK. Then he headed outside and took a garbage can to some cars, before he ripped a door off one of those cars and threw it at a passing tractor trailer, which burst into flames when it crashed into a bridge abutment. Then, he started throwing flaming shrapnel around. Needless to say, we're relieved Jason Week is almost over. Now back to the psycho]. Next question!

* * *

Dear Jason,

I have seen a lot of sex going on in your movies but I never see any going on for you.  Any particular reason why?

Aquanetta, Atlanta GA

Dear Aquanetta,

If you’ve seen my movies then you should be pretty familiar with my stance on premarital sex. I’m against it. It was premarital sex that caused me to die. The first time. That’s why you never see me “hooking up” (as the kids like to say) in any of my movies. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that sexual love shouldn’t be expressed outside the confines of marriage. And if you disagree with that, please grab your significant other and find a tent to sex in so that I can double impale you. All that isn’t to say that I’m not constantly on the prowl for the future Mrs. Voorhees. Mom would sure like some grandchildren. It’s just tough to find a woman in these so-called liberated times that hasn’t already gone and sullied herself. Let’s face it – most women are irresponsible whores. But, if you know one that isn’t, please give her my contact information. I’m sure there’s got to be someone out there that can love a big, strong, motivated man like myself. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, they say, which would be more reassuring if I wasn’t so terrified of water. Oh well, being an immortal killing machine and all, I guess I have plenty of time to find the sheath for my machete.

* * *

Yo What Up Jay,

Why are you such a frightened retard?

Brian, Rochester NY

Dear Brian,

I’m coming for you.

Tagged as: advice, firday the 13th, frightened retard, Jason Voorhees, mailbag, sleeping bag murder, thanksgiving