Ask Jason: Day IV
Culture Blues is proud to present a week long question and answer session with guest contributor Jason Voorhees. On Monday, Jason covered learning to swim and interior decorating. On Tuesday, he discussed his Thanksgiving plans and his taste in women. And yesterday, he caught the attention of some creepy internet swingers. Today is your last day to e-mail questions to Voorhees@cultureblues.com before Jason leaves us to get back to murdering and blogging for Pitchfork.
Go ahead, ask him. Voorhees@cultureblues.com
Hey Mr. Voorhees!
I am a 17 yog with blonde hair blue eyes and, let's face it, boobs way too huge for my age. I've been told that I'm "not the brightest" but really like whatevs I'm totally hot.
Rumor has it there is like some kind of crazy serial killer roaming around my town and I'd like to know if you have any tips for me to stay out of danger, or if I should like consider changing any of my plans for this weekend. I plan to throw a like totally awesome rager party at my parents house while they were away. Invite like all of my jock and cheerleader friends and my like one black friend. The theme is gonna be girls in lingerie and guys in jerseys, I totally thought of it myself. I want to remove all the lightbulbs in the house and instead have some like totally spooky lights and candles. I also want to like have a séance (thanks spellchecker!) in my basement to find out if it's true about the little girl who died in my house. If there's time, I also want to check out this old shack in the woods where like people say this like spooky witch lives, and if the party goes really well or I have too many wine coolers LOLZ l think I will finally give in and have sex with my older hunky boyfriend—people say he's a bad boy but he totally loves me (like duh, I'm hot) and I just know we're gonna be together forever.
Totally rad right? I can't wait to debut my bunny lingerie! It's gonna be just like a Playboy party except for like we're still in high school.
OHMIGOD if you don't have plans you should totally for sure come! The address is 1212 Main St, BYOB!!!!!
See you like this weekend!
Tiffany, West Lake, FL
Dear “Tiffany”-
Tricky little bastard.
Oh, so you’re having a high school sex party, are you? You’ve got big heaving breasts, do you? You even have a black friend? Bullshit. How gullible do you think I am, old friend? Did you really think I’d fall for such an old trick? This is e-mail, dude, it’s not even a futuristic space hologram, and I’d recognize the stink of Tommy Jarvis anywhere, even in cyberspace. I know you’re out there, Tommy, popping your Zoloft and trying desperately to make your hair look as cool as it did in the 80s. Give it up. You’re never going to best me. I’m Jason Voorhees. You’re Tommy Jarvis. You’re a has-been. You don’t have a cool robot sidekick, or even a hit show on the CW. It’s over. Go back to your weird rural mental institution or, gasp, consider getting a job and becoming a productive member of society. Stop pretending to be a girl. It’s pathetic.
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Dear Jason,
How do you make a moist turkey? Please help make my Thanksgiving AWESOME.
Love,
Sheri, Bald Knob, AK
Dear Sheri
In my opinion, a freshly killed turkey is the best. I assume since you live in Arkansas that this shouldn’t be a problem for you. You might also want to consider brining your turkey. That’s where you soak the bird in a brining solution 24 hours in advance. You’ll want to make sure your bird is all natural though, otherwise it will come out too salty. Shouldn’t be a problem if you killed it yourself. I love you too, you remind me of my Mom.
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Jason,
I will be hosting my first Thanksgiving dinner this year, and I hate to admit it-- but I don't know the first thing about carving a twenty pound turkey. I thought maybe you could provide some instruction? I would hate to give my battle axe mother-in-law one more thing to complain about. (Feel free to throw in advice about dealing w/ a difficult in-law during Holiday occasions.) Thanks!
Angela, Chicago
Dear Angela,
Wow, I guess my Thanksgiving advice is really in demand! If you follow my instructions for brining a turkey, you should have a tender bird that is super easy to carve. I’m not big on fancy carving techniques. Just remember to carve it just like you would a person, and you’ll be fine. As for that battle axe mother-in-law of yours, just remember, she’s not your real mother. She might put on your mother’s old sweater and spray some of her perfume, but don’t be fooled, she’s just trying to confuse you. I recommend stabbing her through the eye with a serving fork. Not sure that I’ve even tried that one. Let me know how it turns out!
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