Culture Blues

Ask Jason: Day III

Culture Blues is proud to present a week long question and answer session with guest contributor Jason Voorhees. On Monday, Jason covered learning to swim and interior decorating. Yesterday, he discussed his Thanksgiving plans and his taste in women. E-mail questions to Voorhees@cultureblues.com and we promise an answer.

Go ahead, ask him. Voorhees@cultureblues.com

Dear Camp Crystal Lake Killer-

I am thinking of starting a camp for nubile women and emasculated men. Any tips on how to make it safe for them to frolic around?

-John from West Virginia

Dear John-
First of all, John, that's alleged Camp Crystal Lake Killer, if you don't mind. This might surprise you, but I have never been to court, not even for so much as a parking ticket. I have a pair of really good lawyers - Mr. Machetestein and Mr. Axtraub (you can tell they're good because they're Jewish).

Allow me to answer your question with a question. Why would you want to open a camp for nubile women and force them to mix with emasculated men? Doesn't make sense. I wouldn't necessarily refer to myself as a ladies’ man, but I'm pretty sure that attractive women aren't going to want to frolic with a bunch of wimps. There's nothing I can do to help you unless you change your basic premise. Good looking ladies want alpha males; the kind of strong take-charge man that can confidently burst from a shadowy closet, press a harpoon to their tender necks, and give them what-for. And anyway, what you're describing doesn't even sound like a camp. Adults don't go to camp, idiot. What you're describing sounds like a classic orgytown.

If that's the case, let me assure you, there is very little that you can do to keep your swingers safe.  You would need a professional like me to have a look around. Once you're up and running (and assuming you get any takers at all, weirdo) I'd be happy to execute what I call a test frolic. Have you ever tied someone to a tree and then frolicked the hell out of them with some rusty razor wire? I'd like to start there.

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Dear Jason-

What is it that has made you last so long in the business?  I have made 8 movies, meanwhile you have made 12.  12 fucking movies!  That's it I’m firing my agent and when I say fire, I mean I'm going to kill him and hang his remains from my front door.

-Freddy, The Dreamscape

Dear Freddy-

We’ve been over this. I explained all of it to you when we were wrestling at the bottom of Crystal Lake right before I separated your head from your body. First, you made a huge mistake when you signed on for Wes Craven’s New Nightmare. That’s a career staller. Sure, it was an innovative, aggressive mindfuck of a horror movie. But it was also self indulgent, post modern gobbledygook. Our fans don’t want to see us “push the genre forward.” It’s bad enough you have this whole “dream killer” thing going on. Even when I went to the future, I remained true to myself. I just kept pushing machetes through bodies, preferably mid-coitus. Secondly, your body counts are pathetic. How many did you drop when we teamed up? Two? I killed an entire cornfield keg party. Plus, dude, you’re a pederast. Nobody likes that. It’s gross.

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Yo Jason,

In Friday the XIII Part VII "Jason takes Manhattan". You ran through New York like you owned the place. Who do you think you are Mayor Bloomberg?

-Guiseppe (Joe), Staten Island

Dear Joe-

No. I’m Jason fucking Voorhees. I’m what’s going on.

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