Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

Ask Jason: Day II

Culture Blues is proud to present a week long question and answer session with guest contributor Jason Voorhees. Yesterday, Jason covered learning to swim and interior decorating. E-mail questions to Voorhees@cultureblues.com and we promise an answer.

Go ahead, ask him. Voorhees@cultureblues.com

Go ahead, ask him. Voorhees@cultureblues.com

Dear Jason-

What are your plans for Thanksgiving?

-Cindy, Scranton PA

Dear Cindy-

Well, holidays have been a little tough since Mom was beheaded by Alice Hardy. Plus, I don't really have a ton of "friends." But I'll probably cook a big turkey, mash some potatoes, play a little football with the neighborhood kids, catch up on Dexter (great show), root for the Lions, forage for some left overs and then hit the sack. No big deal. By the way, everything I just said is a euphemism for murdering people.

***

Dear Mr. Voorhees-
My husband recently came back home from a hunting trip and had blood all over his clothes. Do you have any tips on how to remove it?

-Miriam, South Dakota

Dear Mrs. Miriam-

Why bother?

***

Dear Jason-

Do you like it when big nippled ladies don't wear bras and run through the woods?

-Jess, Brooklyn NY

Dear Jess-

Please don't make me go to Manhattan again.

Please don't make me go to Manhattan again.

Yes, I do like it when big nippled ladies don't wear bras and run through the woods. Sometimes, it's nice to just be able to do some killing right outside your front door. In these tough economic times, many parents are no longer sending their kids to summer camp. Lots of people fail to understand that when times are tough for Camp Crystal Lake, they're tough for Jason Voorhees too.

In the past, when the camp has been deserted, I've had to go all over creation to maim and slaughter. Into town. Off to Manhattan (what an exhausting weekend that was!). To hell. That's right, one time I had to go to hell just to find some people to murder. And there's no reason why Camp Crystal Lake shouldn't be at capacity every summer. Our kids are becoming more and more insulated with the video games and the iPods and the pot. I mean, childhood obesity in this country is downright scary.

Here at Crystal Lake, we have it all. A beautiful, safe lake perfect for recreation. A team of incredibly caring and attentive counselors. Miles of untouched nature great for hiking. Heck, you're likely to get lost out there. So, make the summer of 2010 a Crystal Lake summer for your little ones. Oh Gosh! Would you look at that. Next year, August has a Friday the 13th. That'll be so much fun. For the kids.

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