Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

The Twitter Report: BEEF!

When someone is first introduced to the idea of Twitter, the knee-jerk response is almost always some form of “why do I care about hearing when my friends are upset/watching The Hills/at capacity?”

And while these might be valid questions, the very concept of being connected with the thoughts and observations of over 5 million people around the world has to be compelling on some level, right? At any given time, you can know exactly what’s going on about any topic (except fake elections) in any part of the world (except Iran). People are sharing their personal experiences with you in a real-time environment. And of these 5 million people, we’re talking about thousands of very important celebrities.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he was banning all social media through his twitter account.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced a ban on social media through his twitter account.

Think about it: never before have we been blessed with such intimate access to the people that make our music, score our touchdowns, or star in our reality television shows. Sadly, celebrities receive PR training and get placed in contrived interviews all to help ensure they don’t say anything potentially damaging (except with DMX, who "might end up killin someone"). Twitter changes this.

Celebrities love attention; you have to guess that’s their main motivation in the first place, right? So what better way to get attention than to have an army of “Followers” who are forced to read about you several times a day? It’s genius, really.

For my money, nothing beats a good celebrity fight on Twitter. Especially when they use their considerable pull to get fans involved. As you will see, Fabolous is pretty good at this.

Here’s a rundown of recent Twitter-related beefs:

Terrell Owens vs. Rodney Harrison

Two weeks ago against the New Orleans Saints, Terrell Owens failed to catch a pass for the first time since Week 7 of his rookie year, in 1996. On NBC’s Sunday Night Football in America, former NFL safety Rodney Harrison called T.O. “a straight-up clown” for his press conference attire (fedora and sunglasses) and responses to reporters’ questions (terse). This, coming from a guy that played with Tom Brady and was coached by Bill Belicheck.

T.O. took exception to this comment and immediately hit the Twitterverse:

I could less about Rodney Harrison! Anybody tht using steroids, yes STEROIDS rodney, is a cheater & cheated the game!

and

Now THIS is T.O. being a clown.

Now THIS is T.O. being a clown.

Is tht Y u used steroids b/c u were worried about ur stats or ws it b/c u were losing it? Lol! U’re a loser & a cheater? Got any steroids I cn borrow?

T.O. went on to ask Harrison to mail a package of steroids to him at the Bills Training facility and went as far as to suggest what type of shipping he prefers.

Unfortunately, the beef was one-sided because Harrison isn’t on Twitter.

WINNER: T.O. by forfeit.

Fabolous vs. Bow Wow

Fabolous uses his Twitter account to go after other rappers on the regular. A few weeks ago, he started the hashtag, #flo-rida’shairline, ripping on rapper Flo-Rida’s hairline (ok ok- that’s fair game). Eventually, the roast was flipped back on Fab with the hashtag #fabsteeth, referring to his razor-sharp shark teeth. Bow Wow joined the roast with (among others):

u think if i had #fabsteeth tyra wudda kissed me?

(This being in reference to when Bow Wow kissed Tyra Banks on her show back in September. As much as I want to, there is nothing to hate on about that. Ok, well I’m not sure why he didn’t spell “would’ve” correctly. Yeah, that’s bad.)

He's the long lost fourth Street Shark.

He's the long lost fourth Street Shark.

Fab countered with:

#iheardbowwow got his own line of onezees coming out

(Sure, Bow Wow is a little dude… but… ouch)

And a new hashtag, #sorrybowwow:

#sorrybowwow I hav 2 inform u, u hav no more fans.. They’re all @souljaboytellem ’s now.

Meanwhile, the respective fan groups got into the fray with their own tweets. Search for the hashtags and you can see that people are still going at it.

It’s hard to pick a clear winner here. Fabolous scores for the multiple hashtagging, he also tried to coordinate a "Twitter Funeral" for Bow Wow. In the end though, gotta give it to Bow Weezy for changing his background to this for the entire two-day beef.

WINNER: Bow wow

Chad Ochocinco vs. Mark “Stink” Schlereth

This beef was started for, seemingly, no reason. Eight-Five expressed support for the freshly indicted Plaxico Burress, but then backed off after fans gave an overwhelming negative response.

Stink joined the fray with:

Way to stand firm for your boy, oh wait never mind!

For an ESPN analyst to comment on something a player is tweeting about is one thing, but to fire up someone that legally changed his name to the (incorrect) Spanish equivalent of his number is an entirely different beast.

If you were expecting his tweets to be grammatically correct because he's a professional analyst for ESPN, you're gonna be disappointed.

If you were expecting his tweets to be grammatically correct because he's a professional analyst for ESPN, you're gonna be disappointed.

Chad snapped back with:

Mark, where you been, stop killing me on TV or I'll be going to jail for assault, oh wait never mind, child please!!!!!

The rest of the beef can be found here, but in summary, Chad used a ton more exclamation points and said he would “not fail or lose” this year, while Stink talked about a time when he checked himself out of a hospital to play with his team after a surgery. Child please!!!!

This beef was particularly important because the very next day, ESPN released (and later rescinded) a memo declaring that employees could not tweet “unless it serves ESPN.” Which is ironic, because I’m pretty sure an eccentric NFL wide receiver threatening violence (even in jest) could singlehandedly power anywhere between 15 and 397 hours of ESPN programming.

Everyone knows that it's impossible to have a rational discussion with irrational people. For this reason, Stink loses by even trying to engage Eight-Five on a reasonable level. Child please!!!!!

WINNER: The artist formerly known as Johnson

Sold on Twitter yet? With so many celebrities actually tweeting their personal thoughts (only a few use handlers to update accounts), we’re getting insight into the stories we read on What Would Tyler Durden Do at work all day! The day after Tila Tequila was (allegedly) beat up and choked by NFL player Shawne Merriman, she declared “it’s on” and clocked 30 tweets in the next hour (a few can be found here). She later removed certain tweets due to the ongoing investigation (how easy it is to forget that Twitter has implications in real life), and eventually the charges were dropped.

On a lighter note, Alicia Keys used Twitter to get some playful revenge on Lil Mama after “The Voice of the Young People” interrupted and mean-mugged through the end of the Jay-Z/Keys performance of “Empire State of Mind” on the VMA’s. Simple, yet effective. A. Keys scores major points with this one.

Now that we’ve established ourselves on Twitter (@cultureblues **plug plug plug**), it only makes sense for us to start some beef of our own. We are declaring Twitter war on all other pop culture blogs everywhere. Come get some. And with that said, we rescind our previous endorsement of this blog. SUCK IT @CJFARRIS.

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