Culture Blues

The Final Countdown: October 23rd Edition

Let's face it:  All the people at this party are way cooler than you. They know things. They're capable of substantive conversation about what's going on in the world. You? You're a wreck; a sweaty, stammering mess of non-sequitors, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious jerks with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.

"I'm gonna save the fuckin' day!"

(16) We here at Culture Blues normally type these blurbs on laptops in our penthouse suite on Madison Avenue. And because of that, we really have no concern or regard for real estate news (worrying about the housing market and stressing economic swings is for suckers). But, we'll make an exception for Cameron Poe. It was reported this week that Nicholas Cage will be selling his Los Angeles mansion, likely due to the fact that he owes a measly $6 million in back taxes (chump change). He's also involved in a joybungle of sue-or-be-sued lawsuits with his former "business manager" (one of life's dangerously nebulous phrases, along with "Creative Consultant," "Associate Producer," and "Please stop"). To assuage his mounting financial debt, Cage will likely do something out of character and sign on for a multitude of regrettable film projects. But, hey, whatever gets us closer to a sequel of The Rock is cool with us (Connery ain’t getting any younger!).

(15) In other tax news, 2009 just went from “bad” to “holy shit, I’m screwed” for the homie Nas. Earlier this year, the Bronx-rapper was served divorce papers for allegedly cheating on wife, Kelis. This week, the IRS smacked Nasty with a $2.5 million lien for not paying taxes in 2006 OR 2007. Damn- two years… in a row? Maybe he thought that the US government wasn’t paying attention to a rich black man that wanted to title his latest album “Nigger.” Nas joins Method Man on the list of rappers who do not, in fact, believe that doing taxes is what’s hot in the streets. To quote Jay-Z, “smarten up, Nas!”

It sure beats those awful "I'm a PC" ads.

(14) The latest installment in the Saw franchise elaborately deathtraps its way into theaters this weekend, sure to make lots of money. We’re big fans of serialized horror stories (see Jeremiah’s  thorough take on the underappreciated Harper’s Island) but we’re not fans of this lousy series (see Jeff’s latest Movie Primer) which survives only because moviegoers are actually dumb enough to keep buying tickets and not because anyone actually cares. Until Jason Voorhees stomps through one of these movies, consider us uninterested.

(13) Microsoft released the much-hyped Windows 7 this week, which doesn’t really matter to us (we’re strictly DOS, baby). But it better not mean they’re going to stop airing this commercial. That would just be cruel.

(12) Michelle Obama will answer 10 “rapid-fire” questions on the Jay Leno show tonight (AT 10!!!). The incredibly contrived segment is sure to touch on humorous and intriguing topics such as parenthood, the food in the White House, Barack’s Nobel prize, and her husband’s support for renewing the Patriot Act’s provision allowing roving wire taps (just kidding on the last one).

The star of That Lame Dog Whisperer Show

(11) Wilmer Valderrama, whose name you undoubtedly have not read since 2002, will be starring in a new TV show based on the life of the Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan. Strangely, the show will be a comedy--quite contradictory to the milky, self-righteous nature of Millan's own show in which he reforms aggressive dogs using a pious combination of discipline, tough love, and a viewership of obese, bubble-bathing, stay-at-home moms. Plus, Fox, who is developing the show, has apparently forgotten what the producers of That '70s Show learned after eight ungodly seasons -- Valderrama is not funny, nor charismatic, nor talented. Plus, Asthon Kutcher sucks, so, there.

(10) Congratulations on reading Culture Blues! You’re ahead of the curve. But the rest of the world/internet is starting to catch on. This week, CB writer Jason Arican was tapped for a guest verse/post on Will Stockert’s mixtape/blog doing sTuff wiTH Things. Go ahead, Jay. Get that guapoly.

(9) This week, the House voted to expand the federal definition of hate crimes to include those based on a victim’s gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or disability. The fate of the provision (which was unnecessarily tacked onto a bill providing for military pay, construction and disability benefits in typical legislative fashion), now lies in the hands of President Obama. Obviously, this has a lot of hatemongers up in arms as they vehemently oppose anything that acknowledges homosexuals as human beings. We’re just happy the bill doesn’t extend the definition to include Richies. So feel free to continue to set fire to mansions and tip over BMWs.

Come on, Murray. He gave us this. He can't be all bad.

(8) Bill Murray did some serious McG hating this week when he responded to reports that the Fastlane creator claimed he and Murray butted heads on the set of Charlie’s Angels. Murray deadpanned that McG should die. We love Bill Murray and are REALLY mad at McG for that shitty Terminator movie he trotted out this summer, but let’s all just look at this as a blessing in disguise because it led to Bill Murray not being in Charlie’s Angels: Full Fartle (aka one of the absolute worst movies ever).

(7) This week, while some has-been reality show loser was busy calming the treacherous waters whipped up by his family’s fabricated balloon debacle (to which we advocate getting all draconian on his ass, strapping him to a balloon and sending him to the cosmos for wasting valuable media time--meaning, our MacGyver reruns), the Hoff was signing a deal to be in his own reality show—think Breaking Bonaduce with less ‘roids but hotter women. In what will be the best example of art imitating life seen all year, sorry sack-of-shit viewers will now be able to eat junk food, get fat and stay astoundingly wasted while watching someone eat junk food, get fat and stay astoundingly wasted (KITT would not approve).

(6) Amidst all of the fuckery from that ridiculous balloon boy hoax… finally something worth our limited attention spans. On his way home from picking up a sack work, an unidentified neighbor of the Heene family literally ran into some media folks in the street. You have to watch the video to truly appreciate what happens next… but essentially a lame (but weirdly awesome) fight ensues after the neighbor is jumped on “FROM BEHIND?!!”

(5) Underrated comedic mastermind Bob Odenkirk celebrated his birthday this week. If you don’t know who Odenkirk is, you’re probably reading this site from a bleak alternative dimension devoid of laughter and happiness. While we have no way of backing up this statement, we’re pretty sure that Odenkirk has either written, directed, or acted on every worthwhile comedic venture since the mid-nineties. Odenkirk wrote for Saturday Night Live and for early episodes of the Late Night with Conan O’Brien (when Conan was truly batshit insane), he’s guested on shows like Seinfeld and Arrested Development, and he directed the Will Forte tour-de-force The Brothers Solomon. His greatest contribution remains the insanely brilliant HBO sketch show Mr. Show, which Odenkirk created with super best friend David Cross. Mr. Show was subversive and cool, and usually on after Real Sex, which made it perfect sleepover material for the developing adolescent brains of your Culture Blues editors. Happy birthday, Bob. You’re part of why we’re so fucked up.

Somebody just told him there's no championship belts in heaven.

(4) Hulk Hogan was on the press circuit promoting his upcoming book, My Life Outside the Ring, this week. In the book, Hogan admits to nearly offing himself with a gun when his marriage to Linda Sorta Milf Bollea ended. Jeez, can’t we all just go back to the halcyon days when pro wrestlers were fun, the sport was untarnished, and gimmicks were wonderfully lighthearted?

(3) Typically the only English things we’re interested in are Guy Ritchie kabala anecdotes and Oasis break up stories, but this week’s tale about the Performing Rights Society (Britain’s answer to the RIAA) harassing an old lady for singing in her shop caught our attention. After years of downloading music illegally (just kidding, FBI!) and spending our time railing against the greedy out-of-touch suits that lord over the American music industry, we’re shocked to say that we’re actually glad to have them. It could be much, much worse. Apparently, England’s PRS operates like an auditory Gestapo, going so far as to regulate when and where ordinary folks can listen to their radios. In the last few years they’ve levied fines against business owners for playing radios in their stores, kids singing carols, and lonely farm maidens playing music to calm their horses. Say what you will about the RIAA, but we’ve been straight jacking those fuck-ups for years and they’ve never had the temerity to pop by our office and give us a ticket for our penchant to spit a little ODB on our lunch hours.

You're welcome.

(2) It was a slow news week, which means we reverted back to one of our favorite pastimes – trying to dig up some info on when we’ll be able to see the Cat Shit One animated series. Explaining the whole thing would be pointless. Just take a look at the picture on the left, then watch this trailer, then join us in eager anticipation. Also, prepare to be dumbfounded.

(1) Apparently not knowing when to quit, Kentucky Fried Chicken (fuck your initials) is preparing for another grilled chicken giveaway on Monday. In case you don’t remember (or were lucky enough to be uninformed), their last stunt like this resulted in massive crowds, long lines and a worldwide chicken shortage that nearly crippled the global economy. Look people, we know that times are tough. We know that you will line up and wait for anything that is “free” even if you don’t know what it is or why you want it. So, we are making a plea for sanity here. That free chicken is going to cost you valuable fleeting moments of your life while also infecting you with chemicals that were never meant to be in a chicken or human’s body. It’s bad chicken, and it will mess you up. Furthermore, why don’t you just go pay for some Popeye’s? That shit is delicious! Remember folks, just because it’s free doesn’t mean it’s worth it.

Jeff Hart, Jeremiah White, Jason Arican and John Burgman contributed to this Countdown.