Culture Blues

Place: Alaska

Here at Culture Blues, we take our Google Analytics seriously. In tracking our hit count, we've found that twelve states have yet to visit our wonderful site. In order to attract visitors from these hold out states, we've decided to honor them with a series of reviews. We’ve already had our way with West Virginia. Next up, Alaska…

The first of many lousy investments by our government

Over the last year and a half Alaska, our forty-ninth state, has become best known for its export of shithead politicians that make a mockery of democracy. Granted, Alaska might have the unfortunate distinction of harboring our country's first lady of dumbassery, but there is actually so much more to hate about this barren wasteland. Alaska is in fact so terrible  that many consider our current buffer zone (Canada) insufficient protection from the snowball throwing seal beating rejects regularly produced by the destitute northern land mass.

Deemed by the Russians to be too depressing, Alaska was sold to the Union in 1867 for 7.2 million dollars. Once viewed by Secretary of State Richard “Who Will Save My Soul?” Seward as a great bargain for its ample resources, the state's value has greatly depreciated due to bleeding heart conservationists, a ban on whale meat, and the alarming 95% suicide rate among residents. Currently, Alaska sits at an EBay buy-now price of 350 thousand dollars.

Despite being the largest state, Alaska remains the least populated. During the 1940s Alaska was briefly considered as a potential home for the displaced Jews of Europe but, having been through enough, the Jews decided the Middle East would be more hospitable.

Alaska has also been identified as one of the least religious states in the Union. Before you confuse this lack of belief in a deity as some form of mass enlightenment from the igloo-loving jerk-offs of Alaska, keep in mind that 57% of the state pray to polar bear God Iorek Byrnison, better known as a fictional character from Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy. Byrnisonology is not recognized by the US Census as a legitimate religion.

Adorable!

Alaska experienced a brief tourism boom in the early 90s with travelers visiting the coast to view the aesthetically pleasing site of the Exxon-Valdez crash (oil rainbows are so pretty). Many kind-hearted visitors partook in the trend of penguin wiping, but were eventually turned off by the statewide custom of skinning clean penguins and eating their raw, goofy brains. Tourism has since been curtailed, especially after efforts by the Bush administration to create a beautiful, new unnatural disaster (better known as the Flaming Freedom Ocean plan) were thwarted by local do-gooders that like their nature unspoiled and boring.

In terms of economics, 80% of the state’s revenues are derived from the oil and gas industry. Alaska ranks 45^th among the states in gross state product. So you can see how well that is working out for our northern friends. The other 20% of the state’s revenues come from salmon, recycled caribou parts, and Jewel poetry book sales.

Frankly, we’d be better off without them, but thanks for clicking Alaska! We’re glad to have you!