Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

The Final Countdown: October 9th Edition

Let's face it:  All the people at this party are way cooler than you. They know things. They're capable of substantive conversation about what's going on in the world. You? You're a wreck; a sweaty, stammering mess of non-sequitors, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious jerks with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.

 

(15)  A Note From the Editors: As you've probably already deduced, we editors are pretty much the Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark of this internet blogging thing. We like mysteries, alcohol, and punching people in masks. We also hate cleaning our office. That's why, billionaire playboys that we are, the staff of Culture Blues hires a maid service. Normally, this is great for everyone - our office gets clean, we stimulate the economy, and the little Russian girl that failed as a ballerina learns some new English words. But this week, in a maneuver unprecedented, they sent us over a dude-maid. Sure, our stuff is clean. We guess. But it lacks the gentle, matronly touch of an out-of-work actress. Our office feels violated. Imagine his gruff, calloused hands molesting our keyboards; his single diamond earring seducing our futon; his pee in our toilet. It's unacceptable. That's why we'd like to take this space to announce an official ban on dude-maids (janitors and butlers are still ok). Either this horrific trend stops or we have to keep moving our office, and we can’t afford the security deposits.

The Culture Blues Science Team

The Culture Blues Science Team

(14)  In a mission codenamed The Chairface Chippendale, NASA exploded a bunch of shit on the moon today, to see what would happen. Allegedly, the goal was to uncover a source of water that would make setting up a moon base super easy, and bring us one step closer to living in the world of Total Recall. Of course, we don't believe them, and Culture Blues' crack team of scientists have shown us convincing reports (and pie charts) that reveal NASA's secret goal of knocking the moon out of orbit, thus fixing climate change. Either that or unearthing the rock-people that live in the moon's fiery core. We’ll e-mail interested parties the details.

(13)  Nissan is currently showing off this futuristic electric concept car that tilts into corners for better maneuverability in tight spots. The two-seater, described as a “personal city commuter,” looks like it will be a lot of fun to drive, but Nissan better hurry up on production before it’s a lost cause. After all, this thing is unlikely to provide the power needed to plow through the debris of a nuclear wasteland.

(12)  Halloween is coming up, which can mean only one thing: girls in slutty costumes! Oh, and also pumpkins! Shot out of cannons! If you’re a resident of Ulster County NY, have some time on your hands, and happen to have a degree in engineering cool shit, then you too can build your own Pumpkin Cannon. Yes, it is as awesome as it sounds. Damn us Americans are smart! But…where are those pumpkins landing?

Always bet on black!

Always bet on black!

(11)  Wesley Snipes is looking to collect some more tax-free cash by starring in Game of Death, which is not a remake of the one where Bruce Lee fights Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The action movie, directed by Abel Ferrara of Bad Lieutenant, King of New York and Invasion of the Body Snatchers fame, is about a politician’s bodyguard who must protect his charge from the world’s five deadliest assassins. It sounds like the plot to a very slick, Hong Kong inspired slow-mo fest, but hopefully Ferrara’s involvement means that it will stray from rote genre fare. Unfortunately, all we can think about is that time we got excited for Smokin’ Aces. Ugh.

(10)  Harry Connick Jr might have been terrible at dog-fighting alien worships, but he’s pretty good when it comes to speaking out against Australians in black face (and pale face). Check out this clip from Australia’s Hey Hey It’s Saturday where a bunch of bad dancers do some kind of Jackson Five parody, and then Connick plays scary American and makes the host apologize. The big thing to take away from this is that other countries have awesomely weird television. We’re elated that the Gong Show still exists, even if it is on the other side of the world.

(9)  Apparently Oasis is no more as Liam Gallagher has confirmed the demise months after brother Noel quit. The split, which is expected to last up to four years, prompts us to ask, “Wait, Oasis is still a band?” Don’t feel bad for the abandoned Liam, though. He’s got a clothing line coming out and he just received a condescending offer from Jay-Z to “give [him] a call” so the two could work together to create something worse than Jay-Z’s collaboration with Linkin Park. While Oasis is totally irrelevant in 2009, they were once huge and the only advice we can offer them is to not look back in anger.

DouCHEbag

DouCHEbag

(8)  This week marks the executionversary of that dude on all the t-shirts. You know, old-whats-his-name. The dude with the beard and beret. Castro? Benicio del Toro? Anyway, numerous celebrations are planned to honor this dead guy that did some stuff, including a 50% markdown at all Hot Topics, hippy poseurs in the Wilkinson dorms calling their parents for money while absent-mindedly gazing at their poster of aforementioned grizzled dude, and Domino's debuting a Guerrila 'Zza (an extra layer of mozzarella hides pepperoni so spicy it'll overthrow the government). Viva la Resistance!

(7)  This week, The Daily Show, which is usually restricted to comedy bits, uncovered one of the most interesting and poignant stories the current recession has produced when they spoke with struggling rapper Slim Thug, who has suffered a 60% decline in video hos, as well as other similarly humbling cutbacks. Our thoughts are with him. There is a ray of light at the end of this story though, as Slim Thug was able to team up with The Daily Show for a ballin’, but also fiscally responsible, new video: Still a Boss.

(6)  Michael Vick is going to have his own reality show, er- eight part “docu-series” on BET. “The Michael Vick Project” will debut early next year and follow Vick as he tries to pay back the $20 million he owes creditors rebuild his life and family. Unless there is actual dog-fighting footage, you can bet that we won’t be tuning in. All of our television-related crying is being used up in the new season of “The Simpsons”. Just give it up, Groening.

Toby Keith seen here not being a racist

Toby Keith seen here not being a racist

(5)  The line-up for Stagecoach 2010 was announced this week! What’s that? You don’t know about Stagecoach? Well shit, son, it’s only the biggest country music festival this side of the Mason-Dixon (we aren’t sure which side that is). It’s the Lollapalooza of country. This year’s headliners include Toby Keith Urban, Sugarland, and Brooks & Dunne. We can’t wait to put on our Stone Cold Steve Austin T-shirts, run the stars and bars up the flagpole we installed atop the Culture Blues RV, and truck it on down to Indio, California for two days of songs about spousal abuse and soldiers! Yee-haw.  But seriously, fuck country music. Except Garth Brooks.

(4)  Chevy Chase celebrated a birthday this week. An original cast member of SNL and current co-star of Community, Chase has made a career of questionable decisions and alienating colleagues. He's unquestioningly a genius and we aspire to be just like him. Here’s a Fletch montage.

(3)  Today, President Barack Obama won the Nobe—oh shit! Tracy Morgan just joined Twitter (while you’re there, you should also follow us)! Finally, a reason for us to go on the stupid Twitter besides incessant self-promotion. Lets celebrate with a 9 minute Tracy Morgan clip from a movie you probably haven’t seen. Thanks for the heads up, Gawker.

This is after the heroin but before the ass-on-ass part

This is after the heroin but before the ass-on-ass part

(2)  Speaking of black icons, it looks like Marlon Wayans may end up playing Richard Pryor in Bill Condon’s upcoming biopic, Richard Pryor: Is It Something I Said? rather than Eddie Murphy as previously rumored. While many people will bemoan the fact that the third funniest Wayans brother (we think we counted right) will get the role over Murphy, who idolized Pryor and was, for at least some amount of time, the Pryor of a new generation, let’s not get carried away with considering this a downgrade. Wayans only has one good dramatic role under his belt, but so does Murphy. We’re going to wait until we actually see the movie to dismiss it as another bland biopic.

(1)  Forget Obama. Big deal! This week, the Nobel Prize for Literature was awarded to Herta Muller, a German author who has written about oppression and what it is like to live under a totalitarian regime for over two decades. We would like to join the chorus of voices currently proclaiming, “That’s bullshit!” That shit is depressing as hell. Why don’t you give that award to one of those nice girls who writes about wizards and vampires and fucking unicorns and shit?  This lady thinks she’s Sinclair Lewis or something. That shit is dead. It’s 2009. Write us some goblins that solve murders in New Chicago while their clan seals the BeastGate in Dimension 364 to thwart Lord Zaforian’s plan to breach the Current Space and turn our universe into a pile of dust. That’s what we want to read on the subway. Take us away from this dreary, ugly world!

Jeff Hart, Jeremiah White, Jason Arican, and Cheese contributed to this Countdown

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