Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

The Final Countdown: October 16th Edition

Let's face it:  All the people at this party are way cooler than you. They know things. They're capable of substantive conversation about what's going on in the world. You? You're a wreck; a sweaty, stammering mess of non-sequitors, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious jerks with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.

(15)  Master of disaster Roland Emmerich has been making news this week with talk of an upcoming project. No, not that shitty 2012 movie, but the long rumored Independence Day sequel. According to Emmerich, there is a good story all ready to go but he won't move forward because Fox hasn't figured out a way to get Will Smith in the movie yet. There's two things that bother us about this. One, what the hell are you going to blow up this time? You didn't really "save" too much for a sequel. And two, who cares if Will Smith is in it? This is the ONLY scene in ID4 that matters (take that, Obama).

Stop giving us nightmares!

Stop giving us nightmares!

(14)  Today is National Feral Cat Day. NFCD only happens once a year people, so get out there and kill us some strays! Wait – what? That’s not what NFCD is? Oh, well, the pet lovers at Modern Cat will probably explain it better. Here at Culture Blues, we love our feral cats, especially the two that are always fighting outside our bedroom window at 3 in the morning. There’s one that sort of meows like a human, especially when it’s in pain, and it sort of sounds like it’s screaming help. No, that’s not freaky at all. We’re cool with cats.

(13)  Attention liberal conspiracy:  we did it! Upstanding citizen and all-around awesome fucking dude Rush Limbaugh was bounced from his exclusive coterie of rich-ass white jerks trying to buy the St. Louis Rams. Aww, sorry Rush. Apparently, a pain killer addiction alone isn’t enough to get you in the door at the NFL.

(12)  Remember that big particle collider they turned on last year that everyone thought was going to destroy the world? Remember how it promptly broke and we all went back to ticking off days until 2012? As scientists get ready to turn it back on, the two physicists who started all the "collapse of the universe" talk are now positing that the future itself might be sabotaging the collider because of potential (aka certain) disaster. We don't understand most of the hullabaloo in this article (it's a lot like Timecop), but please understand that it includes a claim that "God" hates the collider, a reference to Kurt Vonnegut, and the phrase "anti-miracle." Sounds like a “must read.”

My name ain't chump.

My name ain't chump.

(11)  The annoyingly faux-scrappy indie film Paranormal Activity may have just gotten some marketing lady a raise. After a very limited release and a lot of begging for attention like those people on Facebook that everyone ignores, the haunted bedroom flick is going nationwide. And now the marketing effort is receiving dubious praise essentially crediting it with “discovering” internet buzz. So not only is the movie a Blair Witch rip off, so is its advertising. The marketing exec claims that her inspiration was President Obama (seriously). Thankfully this silly article seriously undercuts its credibility by claiming that Zombieland is a movie with “no stars.” I guess these people have never seen White Men Can’t Jump (aka the second best sports movie of all time).

(10)  A penis filled sock sized happy birthday to Michael Peter Balzary, better known as master bassist/nihilist Flea! Here’s some fun Flea facts that we learned while reading his Wikipedia: he was born in Australia, he’s been smoking cannabis since age 13, and Anthony Kiedis gave him his nickname because of how jumpy he is. Thanks for the bass lines, Flea.

(9)  The hottest new craze in utterly worthless internet videos is apparently babies dancing to Beyonce’s Single Ladies. This article has some explanations as to why babies love the formerly ubiquitous song/video so much as well as some killjoys bemoaning the fact that kids are dancing along to a sexy video in which Beyonce equates a ring with a long lasting personal commitment to a significant other. But who cares about all that? Much more important: Hey Beyonce fans, you like the same music as babies! No baby has ever danced to this Gwar video we’re watching right now.

RIP Captain Lou

RIP Captain Lou

(8)  On a serious note, our condolences to family and friends of “Captain” Lou Albano, a stalwart professional wrestling personality of the 1980s, way before wrestling got all stupid and fake. For any ignorant readers among us (don’t visit our website again), Captain Lou was involved with storylines with Superfly Jimmy Snuka, Rowdy Roddy Piper and other WWF stars. Perhaps most notably, however, was Albano’s cross-promotional work that helped propel the WWF into the mainstream consciousness. He appeared on MTV, acted in Cindi Lauper’s music videos and was part of Hulk Hogan’s Saturday morning cartoon, Rock ‘n’ Wrestling, on CBS. He also starred as the live action Mario in the Super Mario Brothers Super Show. Remember Andre the Giant in The Princess Bride? Familiar with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s glorious filmography? Strongly believe that No Holds Barred should be released on DVD (we’re starting a petition)? Virtually all cross-promo work by wrestlers nowadays owes a rubberband-cheeked nod to Captain Lou.

(7)  So a bunch of eggheads strapped a mouse to a big science-ball and had it run through a virtual maze in order to better study neuron reactions in the animal brain or some shit. We don’t understand why they did it, probably working on some Matrix-style mind control machine, but man do we find the experiment video depressing. Poor mouse. Says so much about the human condition, right?

It's hard for many people to believe that there are extraordinary things inside themselves.

It's hard for many people to believe that there are extraordinary things inside themselves.

(6)  Holy shit! That baby just got hit by a train! In an absolutely unreal video from Australia, watch as a stroller rolls off a subway platform only moments before a train tears through the station. It looks like a Jackass prank but it is, unfortunately, very real. But relax everybody! The baby from the stroller is ok! Really! It made it out from under the train with only a bump on the head. Reportedly, the name of the baby is David Dunn.

(5)  In his continuing effort to make the world forget about Friends, David Schwimmer will direct Clive Owen and Catherine Keener in a “dark drama” as the parents of a young girl who is somehow violated by one of the few online predators that Dateline didn’t catch. Here at Culture Blues, we don’t have a problem with Schwimmer and if he is responsible for Clive Owen actually doing some real acting again, we just might honor him with some sort of medal.

(4)  Mel Gibson is back. You can check out the trailer for his upcoming action flick Edge of Darkness here. In Darkness, Gibson plays an older version of the Martin Riggs supercop whose daughter is killed in some zany terrorist conspiracy. What is with all the daughters in danger lately? Also, what is with Gibson’s last lines in the trailer? “You better decide if you want to be hanging from the cross or pounding in the nails”? Really, Mel? Just can’t let it go?

(3) Modern “literature” is dominated by wusses like Tom Clancy (a former insurance salesman that couldn’t get into the army because his eyes were as weak as his heart), Dan Brown (a pop singer/songwriter who spent his youth playing squash, participating in the glee club and doing puzzles alone in his room) and J.K. Rowling (a woman). But some of the biggest names in real literature were also huge bad asses. It’s not news that Hemingway was a man we could all be proud of. But did you know that Ian Fleming was a spy himself and the man who wrote King Arthur’s tales was “a mixture of Robin Hood, Harry Houdini and Sean Connery?” Or that Lord Byron’s pets included a fox, monkeys, a crocodile and a bear (!!!!), and that Arthur Conan Doyle probably had super powers? We’re pretty sure these revelations make it ok for us to blog.

Cow.

Cow.

(2)  Grotesquely fat model fired by Ralph Lauren. THANK GOD! We’ve been seeing Filippa Hamilton’s rotund face all over the place for years now. And it never ceased to be absolutely revolting. The Swedish-French model’s wretched 5’10” 120 lbs frame is enough to convince anyone that America’s obesity epidemic has gone global. We don’t know how she got into modeling, but we can all rest easy now knowing that her corpulence will no longer shame the noble world of fashion. Good riddance.

(1)  This week in viral videos:  Sarah Silverman advocates selling the Vatican in order to end world hunger. It’s a fun little video, but like any internet viral with even a smidgeon of controversy, the real reasons to stick around are the anonymous Youtube commentators. Where else could you find such gems as:  “Maybe the jews that drove America into a ditch should give their 23 billion dollar bonuses to the poor people they stole their entire lives from.” And “Thank God Obama is going to put the jews in thier place.” You might think that people who post comments on the internet are just loudmouth fringe lunatics, hillbillies, or teenagers (which is why we have so few comments on this site, because our readers are so lucid, adult, and cosmopolitan). And while you might be right in your estimation of the internet’s population of impotent trolls huddled in the armor of anonymity, joyfully spouting backwards rhetoric that would get them ridiculed or maybe punched in a social setting, it’s important to remember that you probably know some of these people. In fact, we guarantee that you do. Everyday, you interact with an anonymous internet weirdo. And we’re not even touching on the Craigslist Casual Encounters types, because at least we can understand the motivation for that (murder). A glorified internet troll probably works in your office and we bet that they seem normal enough, but once they get home they’re posting about how evil the Mexicans are on every Shakira video they can find (we know she’s Colombian). Why do they do it? And do those twisted, base opinions fester in all of our internet hearts? Are we just one bad day away from shitting misspelled hate missives all over every internet forum that’s ever wronged us?

Explain why you’re such terrible people in our comments section.

 

Jeff Hart, Jeremiah White, and John Burgman contributed to this Countdown.

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