Culture Blues

Cheese: Dead That: Words That We Are No Longer Using

As the Ombudsman for Culture Blues, I feel that, from time to time, it is necessary for me to climb down from the mountain and comment on our culture.

Sometimes, there are words that creep in to our everyday vernacular and hang around a little too long, like bad guests after a party. And sometimes there are words that throw up in the plants outside, have sex on your parents’ bed and then pass out. In these cases, we as a society must band together to expel the unwelcome guest. We must dead them.

Here are some guidelines for deading words:

1. If Oprah says it? That’s it. Dead.

2. If I hear a word and it makes me want to throw whatever it is I am holding (remote, beer, small animal) at the person who says it? Dead.

3. If it can be said by a 3 year old and everyone goes “Awww that’s cute”? Dead.

4. Whatever words that Merriam Webster guy who wrote the dictionary adds on every year? Dead. Modern English as a language is over 200 years old. English in general is over 1500 years old. If they haven’t figured out a word for something by now, fuck you Merriam. Too late.

Now, let’s kill off some of our worst offenders before they hatch and spawn more. Like in the movie Alien. These are words that have crept into people’s vocabulary and if we don’t stop them now, they will tear through society.

I encourage all of my sexy readers at home to play along. If you have a word and a reason why it should be dead, twitter me @cheeseblues. I will sail it in front of the committee (me) and if it floats, I will post it and give you credit.

The following words are dead:

Vajayjay-def: slang for vagina. Oprah uses vajayjay. Hence it is Dead. Alternate words that are allowed in place of vajayjay; the vertical smile, the baby factory, the pink taco, cooch. Or, how about we just bring back pussy? Pussy works for me.

Bling- def: Please, if I have to explain that word to you, get out from under the fucking rock you crawled under 10 years ago and join society. When a word that was coined by rappers starts getting used by people WAY outside of hip hop culture (extending to pre-adolescents in department store commercials hawking jeans with fucking sequins on them), that shit is dead. My grandmother knows the term bling and she passed away 12 years ago. P.S. I love you Grandma!

Bromance – def: Used when two “supposedly” heterosexual men hang out with each other all the time. Let’s just call it what it is: Two sexually confused guys that if given the drunken opportunity would say “I love you man” and the other would say, “I know” and the first guy would reply, “No, I really love you man” and the second guy would take his hand and say, “I know.” Cue the techno music and SCENE!

Foodie – def: A person who likes to eat, cook or talk about food. I hate this. Just call us fat. We know we are, and we’ve accepted it. Never ever use husky though. Husky was that clothing section where my mom used to buy me clothes when I was a kid. God I hated going to Macy’s.

Techie - def: See foodie and figure it out yourself. Just call us nerds please.

Uber – def: An adjective denoting excess or superiority. If you are Frederic Nietzsche you can use it. Otherwise, shove uber into the back of the closet where you keep those lederhosen you got on your trip to Europe back in college. Dead.

Chillaxing- def: A combination of the words chill and relaxing. In today’s slang they mean the exact same fucking thing! There is no need to combine these words. Dead this before it spawns into something like pissinating. So I was drunk and I couldn’t find the bathroom so I just pissinated on your plants, they looked thirsty. Dead!

Sexting- def: It’s like phone sex with texting (I can’t believe I just typed that). First of all, you don’t name stuff that shouldn’t exist in the first place. Second, if you’re not texting me, then I could give a rat’s ass. Remember ladies, twitter me @cheeseblues.

Also dead: Using IM acronyms when you are talking to people face to face. Like OMG my BFF Ashley and I were hanging out and she said a joke and I LMAO. BTW her BF is such a DB. JK! LOL! 143! And if you’re doing it to be “funny” or “ironic,” guess what? Everybody hates you and wants you to leave. IMHO Dead this.

Please, my sexy readers, I beseech you to remove these words from your vocabulary and to act as Quality of Language police for friends, family and strangers. The sterling integrity of our nation depends on it